Deadline

Tuesday, December 30, 2003


Before the end of the year I had to get in some charity for my taxes (and the good will of mankind). So I throw a bunch of my skinny clothes and out of date shoes in a bag and gave it to the gay thrift store. I also gave some orphanages some cash and candy bars. Plus my college got money for the library and some fresh bong water.

But the biggest charity was last night. I gave NBC one more viewer for their latest semi hit show "Las Vegas." now a days, if a show gets any kind of number, people run around like its the second coming of the Cosby Show. Then they give the show a 47 year deal and no one is the wiser.

"Las Vegas" opened with a Baywatch size open montage of butts and boobs in bathing suits. Then the plot began. Someone tried to rape the bosses daughter with roofies. Now this isn't an after school special! This is NBC's latest and greatest show! NOW SIT DOWN!

They stretched the search on for the entire hour. Apparently, this guy just goes around all day looking for women to drug. I, myself spend all day playing "Dick Clark's Rocking Eve" nickel slots soaking up the free drinks. I'm also a Wheel of fortune man. But I can understand it. When I go to Vegas, C-Horse likes to play "the Big Cheese," while I'm at the nickels. While this guy is drugging chicks, his buddy must be playing progressive slots or stabbing people or something. "You drug, I mame, meet you at the Ghost bar at 11."

Oh, I forgot to tell you the plot of the show. They work in Vegas. That's it.
I honestly don't know how they can get plots form week to week. Well God Bless it.

the show is a pointless as those Oxygen bars on the strip. You do it because it's there, but you don't feel any better after it.

Monday, December 29, 2003



MONSTER with Charlise Theron and Christina Ricci is a great move. Charlise Yenta (she'll take my name when we marry) should win the Oscar.

But don't go see it because you heard there was a great lesbo scene. It ain't true. It's a lie. Don't fall for it. I was in tea Sunset 5, packed with hipsters all ready for an allowable girl on girl. NO one can get mad at you for watching, it's an art film. There's Oscar buzz. Theron made herself ugly. It's an independent film...

Well the film was great but as for the sex, rent Muholand Dr. Or even "Where the Boys Aren't 12."


They make such a big deal about Theron making herself ugly and gaining 30 pounds. Gaining weight isn't the hard part, it's the keeping it on for 4 years that's the trick.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

A short media storm brewed last week when a big story broke out of Indiana and everyone wanted in.

Here's my personal part. Late at night at work, I was told of a news article I had to break. I book real people and I get my ideas from the newspaper. Or Fark.

Well a writer found a news story out of Midwest about Jason Smith. He's a 6 foot plus high school basketball phenom who Purdue U. Really want on their team. But they offered the wrong Jason Smith the scholarship. The 5 '2 head of the chess team was flattered and refused to give back the free ride.

Brilliant. We want to bring the chess chump to our studio and have him shoot baskets. I have a little sour grapes about it because my boss got condescending and sent me off to my desk at 10:30 at night to find this story. Fine. That's my job.

When I did an internet search for "Jason Smith Purdue basketball" nothing came up. I couldn't even find the original article. I waited for the next day at work at and asked the writer for the article. Hoosier Gazette. In Big letters it said "Indiana's first source for inaccurate news and commentary since 2003."

The writer wasn't the only one who was fooled by the large 18 inch comic sans disclaimer. Jim Rome rallied on about it on his radio show. ESPN mentioned it. Josh the editor of the comedy version of the Onion, was shocked to see another one of his headlines from the Hoosier Gazette on a CNN scroll. "Indidana voted fattest state," maybe a true statement, but it was a made up headline.

What these people did was dumb and sloppy. They obviously went to Fark, pressed Ctrl- A, Ctrl-C, Ctrl- V.

But the San Diego paper committed a crime. They copied the story right from the website word for word. Then they changed the Headline and By line. Their article was "compiled" by one of their writers. Compiled nothing. They stole it. They quickly pulled it off the internet version and the next day printed this sorta retraction.

Again, if I can make this personal. (In the new year, should I start writing in an accent?)
I remember in college I failed this test in psychology of women. (I know, I know.) I went to the professor to discuss this bad start. She was very helpful and got me a tutor. (Yes, I had a tutor in the psychology of women. Yes, it was a woman. No. Now leave me alone!)

Before leaving the teacher told me of something also troubling. Another guy also got a 64. He also had the same wrong answers.

I remember him asking to cheat off of me and I told him it was a terrible idea. I confronted the stoner and he told me I needed to try harder and concentrate more. If not for me, but for his chances of getting into law school.

This plagiarism of weblogs has to be stopped. Why is Jayson Blair and that Shattered Glass kid getting punished and these jerks are getting by?

People should be fired. Movies should be made. I should be treated better at work. The vending machine should have extra Diet Cokes.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Enough

I can't watch another E! or VH0.1 "special" where D list celebs critique A listers. So Sharon Stone wore an ugly dress once? So Britney started a fail restaurant in NYC?

Who hasn't?
I've worked at them all. If you opened a restaurant, I've waited tables there, and if I've waited tables there, you probably fired me.

But enough with 3rd rate comics and Michael Musto, that dusty queen. At least change it up. I don't need to see the same four people on all the channels.

Apparently, VH0.1 is looking for comics right now in NYC. No pay, no experience, no prep time.

For those "I love the 80's" and "I still Love the 80's," they sent clips they already picked to the commentators and cut up what they said. They made two remember the 80's specials. I'm surprised they didn't run out of things to say. If they make a third, they have to talk about my Bar Mitzvah or my brothers mullet. (Oh, wait, that was me.)

I never found Michael Ian black funny. But his dead pan faux praise of all things tacky in the 80's is so annoying and over done. And Mo Rocco pretend that trivial things are very important events...Enough. You two are smarter than me and smugger. I get it. Now call your mom for approval.


Friday, December 05, 2003

SpikeTV: Why would Spike Lee broadcast such
shit?



Caught the last 15 minutes of the First Annual Videogame Awards on SpikeTV, the First Network for Men. What a train-wreck. Halo 2 wins Most Anticipated Videogame Award? That's an award? Sounds to me like Typical VideoGame Hype creeping off the pages of GamePro and onto the TV. All you with girlfriends might be asking: What's Typical VideoGame Hype (TVGH)?

TVGH means Magazine X features Game Y on the front cover and spine, plus prints pages of fawning previews, a fawning review, and a paid back-cover ad. The line between editorial and pay-atorial is always blurred in videogame journalism because, unlike in real journalism, ethics mean less than junkets and free swag do.


Here's an example of TVGH on SpikeTV. The last award, Best Music, went to Electric Arts' hip-hop wrestling game, Def Jam: Vendetta. Then DMX, who is in the game, came out to perform. Couldn't DMX go on before they award his game? Isn't that a conflict of interest? And is David Spade funny?


On the plus side, I got to see Orlando Jones curse several times to a Crank Yankers puppet (he got bleeped out, of course), while in the background, two children giggle at his language. Videogames aren't a bad influence on children, Orlando Jones is.


Before the awards, SpikeTV ran a marathon of "Most Extreme Challenge," their recycled and redubbed Japanese game show parody that makes "Bonzai" look intelligent. I wonder if Spike TV viewers realize that the original show is "Takeshi's Castle," and that the co-host Count Takeshi is none other than the venerable Japanese director, "Beat" Takeshi Kitano (Sonatine, Brother).

Seems that these shows were taped before he damaged his eye and face in a motorcycle accident.


Whatever. The dubbed voices just said "nose boogers." Har de har har, SpikeTV!


- Media Yenta's Brother

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Repeating His Story


"History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce," wrote a hack, probably on a deadline for a Michael Jackson column. And he wouldn't be the only one. David Ehrenstein, in 11/28 - 12/4 issue of the L.A. Weekly starts his "Perp of Pop" piece:

"'History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce,' a puckish German wit once quipped. But were Karl Marx alive today, he would doubtless find both tragedy and comedy in the pedophile scandals of that most egregious piece of late-20th-century detritus, Michael Jackson."

And, in the 12/1 issue of Newsweek,
Jonathan Alter begins his "Between the Lines" column:
"History, Karl Marx said, repeats itself first as tragedy, then as farce. So what does farce repeat
itself as? Cliche?"


Let's compromise, shall we: If Marx was alive now, he wouldn't give a shit about Michael Jackson; and, yes, his quote is indeed a cliche.


- Media Yenta's Brother

Monday, November 24, 2003

Is the Food Network the last stop in the highway of celebrity? Why do Bill Boggs and Bobby Rivers have a cooking show? Who? Exactly!

Friday, November 21, 2003

King of Pop Will Eat Itself

From IMDB.com:
"CBS, which announced on Wednesday that it would shelve its planned Michael Jackson special, said on Thursday that it will devote Saturday evening's 48 Hours Investigates to the latest child molestation allegations against the pop star, replacing a planned investigation into fad diets."


So, it's bad for CBS to promote Michael Jackson, but it's good for Michael Jackson to promote CBS? Maybe they can show the shelved special footage after all, but this time as an "CBS EXCLUSIVE!"


- Media Yenta's Brother

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Saving Private Interests

Everything I've ever learned I learned from TV movies. For example, you can do anything as long as you've got your dreams and a swifty-edited montage; Medith Baxter-Birney needs to stop marrying creeps; and, it's ok to fudge facts unless it involves a fact-fudging president, then that's taboo. This last bon mot was all the rage a few weeks ago, when conservative groups stopped CBS from airing an upcoming TV movie about Ronald Reagan ( Boo hoo, Fox News, if you're more popular than CNN and NPR combined, stop acting like the liberals run the show.)

The Reagan miniseries has now been banished to Showtime, a fate I wouldn't even wish on Arli$$. No one saw the movie (myself included), but we read about it, and the stuff we read was enough. The facts were inaccurate; groups protested, justice was served...

...Until the following weekend, when the ElizabethSmart and Jessica Lynch TV movies aired. I didn't read about any protests on those two. I did read an AP interview with Private Lynch, who clarified some issues, while promoting her new book. Her rifle jammed, for example, and it was her fellow soldiers who shot Iraqis that fateful day, not her. She has also indicated that the hospital wanted to help the US rescuers and that she was taken back a bit from the videotaped "rescue." "It disturbed me," she said. "I knew it wasn't the truth." I doubt Saving Jessica Lynch covered any of that (Being a TV expert myself, I of course didn't watch it).


So why haven't the same groups poo-pooing The Reagans aren't also poo-pooing Saving Jessica Lynch? I do applaud them attacking inaccurate docudramas, but if you go after one, shouldn't you go after all?

Otherwise, it stinks of cheap politics, and that smells worse than any TV movie.


- Media Yenta's Brother

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

CBS Postpones Jackson Special
Broadcasting & Cable
11/19/2003 5:30 PM

CBS said late Wednesday it is postponing its plan to air a Michael Jackson special that the network has scheduled for the last day of sweeps, Nov. 26.
Santa Barbara, Calif., authorities on Wednesday issued an arrest warrant for Jackson on multiple counts of child molestation.



Well here's the answer... What wimps! This makes sense. Bad timing.

CBS is a publically held company and clearly answer to the advertisers before the fans. But at this point, who is a fan? Who is willing to let their kids watch a scary looking guy who is under investigation for child abuse? "And now a word from Tide."

I'm surprise no one saw Michael Jackson as a threat before. With Album titles like, Off the Wall, Bad, and Child Molester, you'd think someone would be tipped off.
From Cynthia Turner's Cynopsis:

WB has ordered six eps of a new reality show from Jamie Kennedy's Wannabe Producers prod company, says Variety. The show is aptly titled Wannabe about a group of aspiring actresses who wannabe big time actresses.


Why would WB go back in business w/ Jamie Kennedy? The reality show he has on the air with them now, barely gets any viewers. I'm shocked that they didn't can it a long time ago. That show I guess is cheap enough to keep on and then sell that thing into syndication.

I guess they are doing the same thing with Steve Harvey's Big Time. That show is against Survivor and Friends. But if it's cheap enough, and enough people are watching leave it on.

But why go back to the guy that gave you a non hit and give him more money? This business is great. You can fail, and fail up.
-----------

From Cynthia Turner's Cynopsis:

...a story in today's New York Post suggests there may be some question as to whether or not the special will air at all given yesterday's events. Can't imagine that will be the case. CBS is scheduled to air the special next week.

First of all, I just quoted a source that quoted a source. Please someone quote me quoting Cynthia quoting the NYP!

What will CBS do now? We now know that they will cave into conservative pressure. What if MSNBCPDQ, FOX NEWS, and the other conservative BS artists start killing time on their vast canvas of nothingness and bitch that CBS should pull the Michael Jackson Special b/c his house was raided? Will CBS move the special to Showtime? Or is Less Moonves so embarrassed of the fall out from the Reagan mini series, that he'll stand his ground?

If you notice, every show on CBS is a cop show where someone is brutally murdered. Crime rate might be down in NYC, but way up on CBS. Is that family entertainment? Do you want to watch yet another show about a strangled hooker with your Five year old? I think CBS has already crossed the taste line.

And you can quote me on that. Or Cynthia.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Kim Chee-zy


It wouldn't be a holiday season without the annual Celebrity Sell-out (see Myers, Mike in "Cat in the Hat"), but this year's Xmas Ho is a doozy. Keep your TV set on for fifteen minutes and you'll see Li'l Kim hawking Old Navy. Of course, crying foul on an Old Navy commercial is shooting fish in a barrel, but there's something offensive about a hip hop star promoting the "hood," i.e., a sweatshirt with a hood.

Too bad Kim isn't from Newark, because then she could sell "Jersey Hoods" (that's a pun).


Li'l Kim wearing Old Navy? Her MTV award schtick is to wear risque clothing, like her infamous exposed booby in '99. Think she now hangs out at the mall with Missy Eliot and Madonna?


- Media Yenta's Brother
ABC is pulling and retooling "Karen Sisco." The show is based on the Jennifer Lopez character from "Out of Sight." In that film, she falls in love with the criminal she's bringing to justice. It seems from the ads for the TV show that every week she falls in love with the guy she's chasing. It gets tired after a bit.

Maybe ABC should do what they did with "Dragnet." last year they took a tried and true and old formula and tried it in today's TV market. The first time "Dragnet" was on, it was on radio. The last time it was in syndication and shot up in Canada. Not enough people were watching it in syndication, why would they think it would work in Network TV?

To spice things up, every crime was about a dead hooker or a dead honors school girl who was actually doing porn on the side. ABC pulled and retooled the show and added 14,000 good looking, ethnically diverse cops, making the old Joe Friday guy a leader, not a clue follower.

Would this work? We will never know. ABC was so proud of this Law and Order: SVU rip off that they shoved it on the lowest night of the week. Saturday, after the family friendly "Wonderful World of Disney."

What was the logic? The family watches "Toy Story 2" then the kids go to bed at 10 PM and mommy and daddy get their dead hooker on?

Karen Sisca, hardly knew ya. Maybe she should chase all different races of men, then get dumped every episode.

Sisco, also stars, my favorite actor Robert something. So I hope it works out.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

The movie "Love Actually" opens on Friday. It stars, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, Roland Akenson, and Alan Rickman. It answers the question, "What ever happened to that British actor?"


It's like a British "love Boat." A movie version of "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here." If only George Kenedy had an acent, he'd be in that film.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Yesterday on MSNBC:

I was watching the "news" channel. They seem to go way over the top to be right wing. They are so over the top, they make FOX NEWS CHANNEL seem subtle.

It's soooooo obvious and annoying. So during their afternoon newscast, they had a round table discussion about the Reagan Mini series that CBS was going to air. The two guests and the moderator were all right wingers. Very much so. If FOX NEWS is "fair and balanced" (Which it's not), Then MSNBC "Very Fair, Very Balanced." I get it, people watch FOX NEWS. FOX NEWS is conservative. Is that why people are watching? Or is it... Oh forget it.

Anyhow, one of the three talking heads was Michael Medved, the movie reviewer turn right wing wacko. Some how, one day, he started saying Hollywood is bad and then became a spokesman for what is moral and right.

All three men agreed (which always makes for a good argument) that mini-series is a travesty and it shouldn't be on the air. They all praised Reagan and said the Mini would put the president that ignored AIDS and broke the air traffic controller strike in a bad light.

Then they started blaming the liberals, which should be the name of all their shows.
"Up next, Blaming the Liberals with Chuck Cushman."
They made it sound like the liberal wrote, shot, edited, and acted in the historical drama.
Like the "Liberals" control every part of the media. Obviously not if there's 3 right wing all news channels.

Then they said that the liberals would never make a studio picture condemning Clinton. They all agreed. As did Medved. Is Medved that concerned with making a point that he forgot about a little film called "Primary Colors?" You know the under the radar film that starred A-listers John Travolta, Billy Bob Thorton and that British chick that was a movie star and is now two indie films away from a CBS sitcom?

I can under stand two Bullshit talking heads to "not know" that a major film condemning Clinton came out, but Medved should've known better.

I tried to write MSNBCPDQ-Cougar-Meloncamp, but it was impossible to find anything on their website. I wrote Medved, but there was a disclaimer that he get so many emails, that he might not read mine. Maybe he's too busy reading emails to still know anything about film?

MSNBC and the other channels are trying so hard to have something to say and fill time that they start witch-hunts.

Well, CBS is pulling the Reagan mini series. They caved in. They might put it on Showtime which doesn’t have advertisers. So that must be the real reason. The advertisers wanted to pull out, so they put it on their pay cable channel.

A Hitler mini series showing the lighter side of the dictator is ok, but a show showing Reagan screwing up is bad.

here's my untrue facts that I'll state and stand by so people will believe it:
The Hitler Movie had a dance number!
From Marc Berman:

...and the biggest flop of the new season,
Fox's Skin (3.2/ 4). Did anyone really think there would be much interest
in a serious drama out of a frivolous reality hour where one of the
patriarchs is a successful adult film industry producer?


Yes, FOX did. They really did. They plastered the Baseball play offs with ads for a show so sexy, so hot, so dirty, that they'd have to censor it for TV, but it'll seem hot atleast. (It's like HBO, but without it actually being dirty.)

FOX was ready to show the ep's on Monday and rerun them on Thursday against CSI. Rerunning a show in a night where everyone is watching something else, isn't such a bad idea. FOX was going to put The O.C. on Thursdays, until it became a big hit, so they decided to have it anchor Wednesdays and move the sinking Bernie Mac Show to Sundays after the Simpsons.

Shouldn't it be the other way around? If the O.C. did so well in teh trial run, why not put it up on Thursday to challenge the big boys? That's what CBS did with Survivor. the show did so well in the summer, that they decided to move it from Wednesdays at 8, the original idea for a fall time slot, right against Friends on Tursday. Then they took their only other hit seeming show from their line up and moved CSI from Friday to Thursday.

Once again, I must apeal to CBS, switch CSI and Without a Trace. WaT is at 10 PM against er3: back in action. People are hooked to the last 10 minutes of Survivor, then they's stay for the next show. Will & Grace is not a powerhouse like er or Friends. So why throw your best stuff at it? Put WaT at 9 and make people chose CSI over the over done er.
(Please note: a new mandate from CBS; all shows but be abriviated. Sorry, ELR.)

Now back to the subject at hand

Well, FOX built a show and no one came. The Monday debuts for Joe Millionare and Skin weren't. No one watched either show.No one wanted to see a hot cowboy lie to Hot Europians or a show that 's about sex, but never shows any.

So then FOX reruns Skin on like Tuesday Thursday and Sunday. They must have been in a board meeting at along table the next day:

"I don't know what happened? We gave them sex. They must not have heard us."

Each night before they's run the ads: "He's a porno director and she's a hot piece of ass." After no one watched on Monday, I could've sworn that the announcer started to be more aggressive in his ads.

"I SAID HE'S A PORNO DIRECTOR, THAT MEANS THEY'LL BE HOT CHICKS! AND THEY WILL ALMOST SEEM NAKED, BUT NOT."

Noone watched the repeats to the piot durring the week. They tried one more time on Sunday. This time, I could swear the announcer was at my door.

(Buzzer)
Me: Who is it?
Annoncer: "IT'S ABOUT PORN! PORN! BUT THERE'S A LOVE STORY SO YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL WANT TO WATCH IT TOO. WE ARE TRICKING YOUR GIRL TO ACCEPT PORN! YOU'LL GET YOUR GIRL TO WATCH NON- SEXUAL PORN! WHAT MORE SO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU!"

I always like when a show with an evil rich Jewish media mogal is a bad guy and the super white poor, but principled Irish guy fails. Don't Fuck with the Jews. Or should I say, DFWTJ.

Monday, October 27, 2003

I wish I had The Daily Show's PR person. Every year, around Emmy time, there's tons of press saying the Weekend Update rip off is the great thing since air.

It's really insane the great press they get. It's a funny show, with great writers and a Peabody Award. But Jeez!

Entertainment Weakling, the premiere fickle news sorce, just did a cover story on the overated host, Jon Stewart. Stewart is funny, the show is good, but enough already. Why not write about something new, like "Tough Crowd," or "Pardon the Interuption?"

The EW Droolictle*, talked of all the important things that the show brings. They even said that Stewart was so smart, but he's also not in your face about it. Yeah, like that douch Kissinger? The example they gave regarding his high inteligence is that he made an old TV reference. HUH? They took a stupid coment and found a way to make him sound smart. He's so smart, he makes retared references to cover it. That's how smart he is.

What pissed me off the most is where they say that he's the best thing in late night and that when his contract is up in two years, Conan, Stillborn, and Kimmel should look out.

Why this is the stupidest argument:

1) Stewart was up for all three late night shows and lost all three to the current hosts. Remember how bad Conan was when he started? Well, NBC chose to have that crap on over Stewart.

2) Conan's ratings are high and he books A list celebs. Is you don't believe me, just read EW a couple of weeks ago when they were drooling over him.

3) Kilburn, has good ratings and makes money for the network

3) Kimmel not only recently beat out Stewart in a head to competition for the spot, he has been picked up for a second year and beats Stillborn in only 7 months of being on the air.

4) Stewart HAD a late night talk show, and it bombed. They cancelled it and replaced it with Stephanie Miller! She sucks so bad, I challenge even EW to write something glowing about her.

Stewart is on cable and getting good ratings for cable. He's proven a million times that he can't carry a late night talk show. Why write that he can? Why not chose something else he can't do? "Stewart would be the greatest astronaut if they just fired those qualified guys and put in the short comic. While we're at it, the Lakers should fire Shaq and put in the funny man."

The next step for Stewart? I think he should stay there and take over for Larry King on CNN when he retires. Also, Comedy Central should take advantage of their sister syndication company, Paramount, and sell a weekend chat show version. NBCE made some good money with a syndicated Chris Mathews show.


F-EW. They'd write something nice about Sadam if he were promoting a new sitcom.

*An article that does nothing but praise the subject.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Home Movie on DVD

They say now with technology and such, anyone can make a movie. That's both a good and bad thing.

What I hate is this "I'm going to make an independat film! F Hollywood crap." Most films are independat. If I shoot a home movie of my cousin's baseball game, that's independant? Making an independant film is not nessarily a sign of something good. It's just a signal to the viewer that the movie is probly about two inept bank robbers, someone who wants in or out of the mafia, high school kids who become gangsters, and my favorite, a dead hooker and no one wants to go to the police.

It also means that the film doesn't has the burdon of profession top of the line, sound, lighting, acting, and editing. Say what you will about Sweat November, but I heard every world Keanue mumbled.

This age of digital is supposed ot be a big thing too. Just because a movie is shot on High 8 or DV, doesn't make it better than a film shot on film. Two movies that I think were great on comercial DV were the "Original Famous Rays King of Comedy" and "Bamboozeled," both by Spike Lee, who appearently is not crazy about the Jews. He might not be smart about biting the hand that feeds you, but he was smart enough to higher great camera people and lit the movies correctly.

I might be wong, but I think both times Lee chose video for finacial reasons. Not art. If he keeps blasting the Jews, he'll be shooting his next film with a pin hole camera.


At Yenta Hall I got a DVD for "Bar Fighter." The box looked like one of those Girls Gone Wild/Too hot For TV type things, so I quickly put it in my DVD player.
The Box is filled with quotes like, "Reality meets insanity," and "We guarantee that it's not the usual Fake Hollywood Bulls**t!"

Well it isn't, because it couldn't.

A camera guy, his buddy, Jack and Jack's girlfriend are desperate to make it as actors in Hollywood. As they point out the odds are very against them. So what they plan to do is say “F.U!” to those Hollywood jerks that won't let them be in their movies, let alone get an audition, by making their own movie.

So without the burden of a script, a director, or a boom, they decide to send Jack out to bars and pick fights with people. They think by filming this, it will get the attention of those Hollywood a**holes and make them famous.

The best thing they did was film everything and they got a lawyer who told them to get releases from everyone. That's on film too.

Along the way they meet a hot crazy lesbian who'll do anything, a dwarf who can magically pee on cue and on people, peeing and another cameramen who stated that this was the funniest movie he worked on all year. It's kind of a desperate Gen Y Wizard of Oz set in the Valley. By the way, the keep saying they are in LA, but I keep seeing the Valley. Represent the 818, yo.

I love the fight scenes. They are only aren't that many of them. But that's not what it's all about. It really s about people desparate to make. Not just our Jolly crew, but the people they meet. Most everyone they run into happens to be an actor. This is a great window in the other side of LA. The other side of LA. People who can't get an audition, but still dream of being famous. These are the dreamers.
In the end, things don't change like in a real Hollywood movie. NO F@#% that! We're rebels. We make a movie to become famous, but that won't happen!


When we first meet Jack, his girlfriend perks up when she sees the camera and starts to fix her hair and make up. Which is odd, since her boyfriend is discussing his plans to get his ass kicked.




She also has a great moment when she drunk and telling the cameraman what she's going to wear when Entertainment Weekly does their big article about her and Jack. Just then, Jack is thrown onto the car's windshield. Everyone runs in the car as the second cameraman is saying, "the cops are coming, let's get out of here. I can't believe I was in the bathroom and missed it."

That means Jack started a fight for the movie while no one was filming.

Another great moment is when Jack backs out of his first fights because the guy knows Karate. “I can’t fight him, he knows Karate, that’s not fair.”

The more I think of it, I love this movie. I mean every

The DVD also has a commentary track with all the main people. It's great because it only adds to the documentary and the story. They should've kept the running commentary in the actual film. In the commentary you learn Jack’s girlfriend dumped him, no sh**t.



Tuesday, October 14, 2003

To add what My brother wrote yesterday, see below, this is not only lazy chosing for Steve Martin, but for film makers too. How many times do we need to redo The Pink Panther? The First movie in was in 1964 and spawned three sequals. The came out after the star Peter sellers died and used out takes of him to make it look like he was still in the film.

Just like it's director, Blake Edwards, the movies were uneven. Either great and really funny, or a crass attemp to cash in.
In 1968, apparently, Alan Arkin played the inspector.In 1993, Edwards announced he was going to revieve the series with Roberto Benigi. I remember thinking this was an inspired choice. Benigi is a great physical actor. He's likable and fopish. The movie did so-so.

Now, for some reason there's a need to do the movie yet again. Why, I don't know. First Martin goes out ot prove he can fill Phil Silvers shoes, not Seller's? And Benigi's?

Actor Herbert Lom was in the original Panther films, and he was even in the 1993 version. I wonder if he's well enough for this last one. As by "well enough" I mean alive.

BTW, Barney Rumble is taking over the title role in the new Saturday morning show. I will be playing the ardvark.

Inspiring Pop Quiz
Which of these new movies do not have the tag-line "Inspired by a True Story"? Answers tomorrow!
Radio
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The House of the Dead


- Media Yenta's Brother

Monday, October 13, 2003

Wild and Lazy Guy


MGM have just announced negotiations with Steve Martin to star in Ivan Reitman's Pink Panther remake. If Mr. Martin does sign up, this will be his sixth remake, following Cheaper by the Dozen, The Out-of-Towners, Sgt. Bilko, Father of the Bride, and Little Shop of Horrors. To be fair, we're not including his hosting duties in Fantasia 2000, FOTB sequel, the Cyrano de Bergerac-based Roxanne or even the Beatles-based Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Steve, we'll see you in whatever you’re in as long as it's not Bringing Down the House II.


Inspiring Quiz Answer


Both Radio and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre have the tagline "Inspired by a True Story" (The House of the Dead's tagline is "Based on the Video Game"). Didn't realize killing teens was so darned "inspiring."


- Media Yenta's Brother

Friday, October 10, 2003

What the FUCK?

Media Yenta:Universal just fucked up a possible great movie. Joel and Ethan Cohen are coming out with a new movie.

The inner movie geek: That's great! I love the Cohen Brothers! I love Barton Fink! OH, Brother I art happy!

Media Yenta: Have you seen the commercials?

The Inner Movie Geek: Yeah, it looks funny. He kisses her and she says, "I will have to report you to the bar." Boy, she's going to torture this guy.

Media Yenta:That was the trailer two weeks ago. now the new ones makes it look like a straight carbon copy bullshit crappy love story.

The Inner Movie Geek:But it's the Cohen Brothers, the movie has to be crazy and wacky and different.

Media Yenta:not according to the new ads. At first you think, that Universal would be excited to have two big stars to sell a wierd film. But they chose to take all the charm out of the pitch and sell it as a stupid carbon copy love story. The Cohen's name isn't even on the ad.

Now you have core Cohen Brother fans...

The Inner Movie Geek:Me and another guy.

Media Yenta:...and people who just like good movies, avoiding the film. Then you have people who "Just want to see soething mindless" walking out all pised off.

F them too.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Boomtown, you are not my father!




NBC screwed themselves with their Friday night line up. About a year ago, they lead the non competitive night with “Providence,” “Dateline,” and “Law & Order: CSIish.” Then the star of the still popular and watched “Providence” got pregnant and the brass at NBC kick the show in the ass. I don’t know if the pregnancy had something to do with it, but it would mean shooting around the star’s new schedule. They could’ve put it as a midseason replacement like they are doing with “Crossing Jordan,” but instead they let it go. Now that show is gone.


"Remember me? I ruined M*A*S*H."


NBC put in “ED,” the not so watched, but continually renewed drama about a guy who bought a bowling alley in his hometown where his high school sweet heart lives. The plots for this show are endless. Oh wait, no they’re not.

Audiences gave a no to the show. In fact there were studies that people were so bored by the show, that they moved back to their hometowns and went bowling. (Ok, it’s not that funny.)

Now this season NBC moved “Law & Order: SUV” to the wounded animal that is their Tuesday night line up. That show is doing really well in the new slot, but Friday at ten is dying.

It reminds me when my father left my mother after he finished medical school for a younger woman. Even though my mother supported him throughout his studies, he decided things weren’t working out once his private practice started to take off.

He moved to a rich suburb, bought a big house and sent his new kids, Hunter and Tyler, to private school. Meanwhile, my mom needed to take on two jobs since the child support checks weren’t coming in, and we had to live in a two room apartment above my grandparents garage.

But now NBC has taken “Boomtown” off the sched, moved “Mismatched” to 9 PM and Dateline and sometimes “Queer Eye” to 8 PM. At 10 PM, are reruns of “Law & Order: MD.”

Reruns. Reruns! Not new episodes! But leftovers. Am I not good enough? This sucks. This is like the time my dad came back for two weeks when Julia kick him out. We didn’t get all his attention, but that was supposed to be ok. Well it’s not! This stinks. Either put “L&O: Railroad” back on Fridays or just go away. I’m very fragile.

(Ok, that’s not even anywhere near to being true about my dad. But you get the point.)
From Marc Berman at Mediaweek.com:

-NBC Rearranges Friday:
After dipping from a solid first to a distant third on Friday NBC will
make immediate programming changes. Effective this Friday, Oct. 10, Miss
Match will move into the 9 p.m. hour, leading out of a repeat of Bravo’s
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy and into a repeat of Law & Order: SVU at 10
p.m. One week later Dateline will kick off the night at 8 p.m. ET.
Although we were all wondering which new series would be the first
to go,
sophomore Boomtown gets that honor, with the critically acclaimed crime
drama sentenced to what NBC says is at least a three week hiatus.



Actually, this season’s “Boomtown” is a new show entirely. Last season, “Boomtown” was a great new cop show with a twist.

No, the policemen didn’t sing or dance!

One crime was told out of order through the perspective of different characters. Each sequence would start with the name of the person whose perspective we are watching.
One event could have three different meanings. Something could be revealed at the end of the episode that took place at the beginning of the crime.

Confused? Well NBC assumed the viewers were. I’d like to have faith in the viewers and think that they understood the show and just didn’t care.

NBC took the show off the air and sent it to a reform school called, “development.” It was sent to one of those camps where they beat the will out of you in order to make you a better person. Like those boot camps to get kids to stop doing drugs or yelling at their momma. You know, the one where rich kids and guests of the Ricki Lake Show are sent.

Well, after a few weeks in the reformatory, “Boomtown” came back, a little beat down. He learned to stop his terrible ways. He would now admit that challenging the audience was wrong, and he was sorry.

The show’s stories were all linear. No jumping back and forth in time. Each segment would have a name of a character, but the involvement was nothing more than the first couple lines or happen to move the scene. The only time they f’ed with a timeline was when someone was describing the crime, like on CSI or CSI: Miami, or the little known, CSI: Camden.

I guess the ratings for this reformed cop show were good enough to get a spot on the Friday night line up. This season the show returned even more beaten down. The plots are boring and nothing really happens. Even the names were removed from the top of the acct.

NBC should ship “Boomtown” to the Siberia that is Saturdays and burn off the episodes they shot. Then sell the whole deal to their sister station Court TV. Then To Their sister station BRAVO. Then to their sister station TR!O for “Brilliant but Cancelled.” (BTW- “Brilliant but Cancelled” is now a catchphrase/sound bite. People now predict, “This show is so good, but audiences won’t get it. It will be on Tr!o’s “Brilliant but Cancelled” in no time.” Every time you hear that, drink. Drink heavily.

So when you read that NBC cancelled a critically acclaimed cop show, think again. First they shook it and beat it’s will to live out of him.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Totally Recall'd!





The gubernatorial circus has left the fairgrounds, leaving us with garbage and elephant shit, but damned if we weren't entertained. When politics meet entertainment, Politainment if you will, it's free fun for everyone, not just for Californian voters but to the pundits of E! News Daily, Entertainment Tonight and other soft news sources. Here's the highlights:

* Election loser, Part 1: Jay Leno. Sorry, but the Chin-Man, in my opinion, really fucked up. He "opened" for Arnold, telling a few gags before bringing the governor-elect. Arnold announced his candidacy on Leno, so in a full circle way, it makes sense for the Collision Course costar to introduce Scwarzenegger. Still, Jay shouldn't had shown his political preference to the public, for credibility's sake, as well of the sake of any future monologue.

*Celebrity sightings at Arnold's bash: Rob Lowe, Gary Busey, Ivan Reitman, Uncle Frank (Jimmy Kimmel Live), American Pie's Thomas Ian Nicolas, Maria Schriver.

*Election loser, part 2: Tom Arnold. Bad enough he has eighteen million hours a day to prattle on about sports, but a lowlight to Tuesday's coverage was the ex-Mr. Barr yammering over the phone to FoxNews. "I wasn't allowed to talk about Arnold on my show," said Tom (I'm paraphrasing). "So I would ask Shaq or another guest, 'what do you think about Arnold?'" Memo to Tom: True Lies blew. Give it up.

*Election winner: Predator. The sci-fi flick now boasts two future governors: Arnold and talk-show host Jesse Ventura. Danny Glover, you're next.

*Election loser, part 3: Newspapers. Arnold's election got two rows of headlines in Wednesday's San Francisco Chronicle, not because it's colossal news, but because Schwarzenegger has 14 letters. Previously, the Chron as well as the LA Times referred to him in headlines as the five lettered moniker, "Actor." Like as in: "Actor Admits to Wrong-Doing" ("Actor" does sound less tabloidy than "Arnie"). Now that he's officially gov, newspapers can use his 14 letter last name, his 6 letter first name, his 5 letter nicknames ("Arnie", "Conan", "Fugly") or the best name submitted c/o Media Yenta. Best name will be posted here, and winner gets our vote next go-around.

- Media Yenta's Brother

Sunday, October 05, 2003

The Travel Channel has a new travel themed dating show. Why does the Travel Channel need a dating show? Why not show...Travel?

They said that once we had digital cable, the new channels will become more niche to people's interest. The Golf Channel, The Western Film Channel, and the People Named George Houtman Channel are all example of channels for a certain interest.

So why a dating show on network dedicated to travel? Why not just turn on the Dating Channel?

It seems that every channel need to have their own show from a popular genre.

It just seems that no matter what the concept of the channel is, they need to have shows with a certain format.

Here are the shows:

The semi celebrity reality show. (SSRS) Thanks to the success of the Osbornes every channel seems to follow someone who fits their genre and covers their wacky life.



Examples:
Game Show Network - They follow the life of game show host Chuck Woolery. What the? Who cares about a rich middle age white man on his second marriage.

ESPN - Bill Walden's life is documented. Wow, we get to watch him make a Coke can into a bong.

E! - Anna Nichole Smith. What's a drugged up widow to do? This show is just mean.

MTV - The Osbornes, The Newly Weds, Brandy's pregnancy.

ABC Family - The girl who played Sabrina the Teenage Witch had a reality series about her wedding. Then she dropped off the face of the earth.

ABC - Had a show about Rosanne Barr making a cancelled show, then ABC canned that show. Get it? They should've aired one more episode to show everyone getting canned. But no.



Comedy Central - "I'm with Busey" a forced show about force people acting forced to act like they are forced.


The who-wants -to be -a -star show. (WWTBASS) Modeled after American Idol and Survivor, shows give people a chance to show their talent.

ESPN - Who wants to be a sports host?

Animal Planet - "King of the Jungle." People go in the jungle to prove they could host an animal program. Why not just addition them on air and fire them when you get tired of them, like they do on the View.


Vh-1 combined both SSRS and WWTBASS with their Ted Nugent's look-at-my-crazy-world-and-compete-for-a-new-car. People are competing and talking to a camera and Ted's running around. Does anyone know why?


The appointment Television show that'll get people to watch at 11:00 (ATSTGPTWA11). Since Leaving the "Daily Show," Liz Winstead made a good living making copycats that fit the station's identification.

The make over room show (MORS)
It started with Trading Spaces. Now everyone needs a home inprovement, ambush show. Even TLC the people who started it all with Trading Spaces, has spun it off 8,00 times.

Vh-1 Thought out of the box with a show that featured Rock stars redoing a fan's room.

USA just aired one to terrible ratings.

The Health DIscovery Channel has a show where people redo other people's baby room. What this has to do with health, I don't know.

Court TV - The ill fated "Snap Judgement." Wacky daily round up of crazy court cases.

FX - back when it was a network for men and not a low rent HBO, they had a show with 4 guys that sat around being guys. If show really reflected being a guy, I would've cut my dick off out of boredom.

Vh-1 - Late world with Zack. Funny take off on talk shows, that was canned faster than you can say "Orlando Jones sh-sh-show."

Do you think people say, "What's our American Idol? What's our Daily Show?" Why not put on things that reflect your channel's identity and leave the copying to Showtime and FX?


Are there other Examples that I missed?

Wednesday, October 01, 2003




My brother Mike has a talent for liking really bad movies. When I saw the box for "50/50" for $2.95 at the video store, I knew this would make a great gift. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!

Here's his review of the 80's classic.



"It's a good dish washing movie."

It's nothing you haven't see dubbed on Italian TV. It
is a Chuck Norris flick with Peter Weller as Chuck
Norris and Robert Hayes as Chuck Norris' beard. Takes
place in China, last scene is in Rome.

Charles Martin Smith costars and directs Fifty/Fifty.
You might recongize him from the cover of the American
Graffitti soundtrack; he played the baby faced guy
(don't remember if he was in the sequel but he was
also in Gary Busey's band in the Buddy Holly Story).
Another film he directed? How about "Boris and
Natasha," starring Dave Thomas and Sally Kellerman? It
was a live action take of Moose and Squirel's nemesis
from 1988 and is a bottom row staple of any video
store.

Best line from 50/50? "Snakes! I hate snakes!"

Monday, September 29, 2003

The rumor is that the sitcom "LUIS " is doing so bad that FOX has cancelled both that show and the never aired Cheech Marin sitcom, "The Ortegas."

First of all, Luis is Puerto Rican and his ex-wife is Dominican. The Ortegas are Mexican. Totally different things. You don't believe me? Just ask a Dominican if they are Mexican or vise versa. You will get a forty-minute tirade about how they are not and the many differences.

FOX's logic once again is horrible. Since "Coupling" was a bomb, should NBC cancel "Friends?"

Besides the glaring fact that they are different nationalities, the fact is people don't want to watch an over written standard sitcom with shrieking characters, shrieking at each other.

The funny part is, what sitcom beat "Luis?" The George Lopez Show! Yeah! So what can we decipher from last weeks win? There is a difference between Puerto Rican and Mexicans: people want to watch Mexicans.

Have you ever seen George Lopez's act? All he ever talks about is he's Mexican. I get it. I'm done.

I have a solution for the Ortegas-gets-canned-because-different-Latino-sitcom-bomded problem. Just call the show, "The O'Tegas."

Sunday, September 28, 2003




Joe Rogan was on Howard Stern http://www.koam.com/. They brought in a woman who was coming on the show next, who happened to have a "secret" about Joe.

It turns out that they had a one-night stand when she was only 19 and he got her pregnant. He had no idea until she sprung it on him casually on the show.

When she told Rogaine that she got an abortion, he was so happy and streaming for joy. He had no remorse for getting a young girl pregnant and doing nothing about it. She was a little insane herself, but she was the one who had to go through with the abortion, not him.

It’s strange that event the Stern Show would be ok with bringing the news up to him live on the air. When Gary said this woman had a secret, millions of things must have gone through Rogaine’s mind. “What’s the worse she could say?” He got his answer.

Rogaine’s (http://www.nbc.com/Fear_Factor/rants.shtml) response came off so smug and uncaring that it just feeds into persona of woman hating hunk. Fuck him. Too late.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Kill Bill Sucks Volume 2

(Continued from Volume 1) ...Kill Bill is a one-dimensional revenge flick, about a girl who wants to Kill Bill. Seems likely she'll survive her battles and will commence the titular action at the climax... of the second film. So where's the tension in the first film if I know she won't die and won't kill Bill until February?

- Media Yenta's Brother

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

From Mediaweek.com:

-Game Show Network Acquires Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:
In the event you want to revisit the former ABC phenomenon called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Game Show Network will begin airing the quiz show on Sunday, Oct. 12 in a four-hour marathon beginning at 8 p.m. ET. Effective one day later, look for Millionaire each day at 8 p.m. and 12 a.m. ET.




How is that a marathon? Four hours? That's four episodes. How is that a commitment? BRAVO shows Queer Eye more times a day just normally.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003


Kill Bill Sucks Volume 1


Ads have been promoting Kill Bill as "the 4th film by Quentin Taratino," but that's misleading. The October release is merely one half - excuse me, Volume One -
of a three-hour movie, with Volume 2 being released in February. The film can be screened more times during the day, and two release dates makes the epic eligible
for the 2003 and 2004 Oscars, the logic goes. But there's two good reasons why this insidious logic is flawed, and, in fact, defeats the point of this picture.

First, don't believe the hype. Splitting the picture into two may eke more money for the multiplexes, but it isn't the reason for the divide. Miramax clearly
has its eye on the upcoming DVD boxed set. Two discs cover the two volumes, with another disc for the deleted scenes, international trailers, documentaries
on genre flicks, and the obligatory unwatchable interview with the Q-man himself. Charge $20-$30 and watch the fans snap it up for years to come. Release
it Q4 2004 and it could make more money than the theatrical releases, making the theatrical releases little more than a year-long series of promos for the
DVDs, like this week's re-release of Scarface.

Ultimately, the reason why the bifurcation defeats the point of the movie is... (To be concluded in Volume 2)

- Media Yenta's Brother

Monday, September 22, 2003

No Emmy on The Wire



Why did HBO's great show not win am Emmy for Best drama Series last night on the awards show? Because it wasn't nominated!

But why wasn't it given a nomination? Well here's how the nominations work...
First everyone in the academy vote on everything that was submitted. The ones with the most votes go on to the finals. Then tapes of two episodes of each of the five nominations are sent to the blue ribbon panel that make the final vote.

Before the first round can happen, networks send out DVD's and VHS tapes of the shows they want people to vote for. So if you never saw an episode of the overrated "West 'I'd like to thank Tommy Shalomi for writing with brilliant words' Wing," you now have a fancy intro that you can watch at you leisure and then try to sell the DVD to used record store when you are done.

But with The Wire you need to see the entire first season to make a judgment call on the show. You need to see how all the episodes and characters relate to the stories outcome. Just click here to see how many people exist in this world. that's more than the lead, the lead's too hot for him wife, and the wacky neighbor that most TV shows have.

You really have to see the season to understand why the show is so good. One Episode of the show is just confusing.

Maybe after the season is released on DVD, people will get it and give the third season a chance.

Anything so that West Wing doesn't win again.




Monday, September 15, 2003

The best Channel ever

Ok, I've gone on and on about how channels that say that they are "For Men" or "Pop Culture" have no idea that they are doing and have definitely given up. I'd go on to say those channels have no idea what their programming is, so they gave them a general title. I think I said "TV that's about Pop Culture? Of course it is, it's TV."

But I have found the exception.

TRIO! Once a channel with no focus or slogan, this new power house has both!





Ok, I know I just said that pop culture TV was just an excuse...But right now I'm watching the PJ's!


One of the shows that caught my attention is "Brilliant But Cancelled." How did they knowthat I dreamed of this series? This is great! Why not? Shows that were great but only lasted a little bit, put them together into a series! This is a dream come true! Right down to the title.




Episodes of Action, The PJ's, Bakersfield, PA, and other shows I can't remember. They did a special show about TV pilots. It was well made. It tried to say that the networks were dummies and that the whole pilot thing was a waste of money. If the networks just let the creative people be creative we wouldn't have any problems int he world. Although I disgree with that, I learned a lot from the show.

All week they showed pilots that didn't make it and a documentary about the process. After watching a pilot starring George Clooney and Pam Dauber, and one based on the movie Fargo, you know why they didn't make it. They just sucked. I don't care that 4 years later Clooney got on ER and became a star. He would never have been a star on the other show.

This channel is like a it was run by a librarian of pop culture. It's no Bravo, that's goodness. Bravo, that sell out channel, had a documentary about how bad reality shows are followed by reruns of the crap "Restaurant" and the yet another showing of the best new reality show, "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy." How can you promote a show that you are shitting on during a show that you are shitting on? (That made less sense that I had hoped.)

While we're at it, they have an interview show. It's one host, one guest no audience. But it's more Later with Bob Costas and less Inside the Actors Studio. Unlike the Bravo show, the host listens to the answers (for the most part) and gets something from the guest. The guest is like a big studio head or excec, very cool. One night they had Jon Peters, then after the show, they showed Batman. That made perfect sense. Shoe his biggest film after talking to him.

Shows like Sessions at 54 and Egg are tons of fun.
Anyhow, nightly documentaries about mullets and handguns, old reruns of Letterman from his glory days on late night NBC!

Trio --- The best channel on TV! Now I never have to read.
Replacing John Ritter

The questoin everyone wants to know now that we lost the famous actor, is "How will they replace John Ritter on "8 Simpole Rules for Dating my daughter.?"

Here's some options:

The obvious:
Henry Winkler, Tony Danza, should be brought in to replace Ritter. They should make an anouncement that they miss Ritter, but the show will go on with another well liked actor.

The bad:
Change the show about a widow, Katey Sagal, bringing up two hot daughters and a horny son.

The outside shot:
Deal with Ritter's death, then quickly marry Katey Sagal off to none other than... Mr. T!

"I pitty the step son that doesn't claen his room."

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

The Whoring of America

USA Today reported last week that Hillary Duff is coming out with a new album where she's gonna dress all sluty and call it "Metamorphosis."

Hillary Duff is famous for playing the popular, independent, strong minded Lizzie McGuire in the hit Disney Channel show. After her obligatory spin off movie did better than expected, the mouse and mousy blonde couldn't come up with an agreement for a new contract.

Hilary's camp wanted more, more, more. Disney being Disney felt that it did not have to give that much. In fairness to the mouse, they might've been asking for more than was realistic or just not profitable.

Now what? The parents, the managers, the publicists rack their brains for the next step with the teenage star. The have a prom queen, but no prom.

So, putting out another album is a great idea. She's out there, establishing herself, keeping her name alive.

But why in heaven's name do they feel that they have to whore her up? Why should a pre-teen role model dress down now that she's a teen? Not that I think she should be in a turtle neck and turban, but why slutty?

I understand that sex sells. But Hillary already sells. She's a name brand.

"Metamorphosis" is supposed to refleck the fact that she's a girl becoming a women. It's more like a Lizzie to a Britney.

I feel the title refers to the fact that now Hillary is just another pop culture, cookie cutter, pr/money machine that you can't kill off, like a cockroach.
The Devil is a Dumb-Ass



According to E! Online citing the New York Post,
producers of The Exorcist IV: The Beginning have ousted writer-director Paul Schrader for delivering a
goreless horror movie (Morgan Creek Productions have yet to announce a new director who'll shot the additional blood and guts). Novelist Caleb Carr (who
wrote a draft of TEIV:TB) told the Post: "[Schrader's cut] does have some good dramatic elements which can be rearranged with some good shooting into a very good movie." That's comes to no surprise here, considering Schrader, who was hired to replace the late John Frankenheimer, has made a career of shooting very good movies. His last picture, Auto-Focus, was a stylized look of Hogan's Heroes star Bob Crane. The sick
punchline of that flick was Crane's swinging ways wasn't glossy or slick; despite Schrader's shiny direction, he was a lonely black hole.


Schrader's restraint within exploitation gave that film needed depth (plus the real dirty pictures shown were blurred out in my DVD, thank you Blockbusters). It's that depth that runs through his other films, from Affliction to Blue Collar. It's that depth that Morgan
Creek wants exorcised.

And since when are Exorcist sequels any good? I don't have my dog-eared copy of the Golden Turkey Awards in front of me, but didn't Exorcist II: The Heretic place
as first runner-up to Plan 9 From Outer Space for the Worst Movie Ever? Maybe if Morgan Creek is lucky, original Exorcist novelist and Exorcist III director William Peter Blatty is available.

- Media Yenta's Brother


Sunday, August 24, 2003

From Variety:

ALPHABET ALL 'EYES' FOR CORPORATE DRAMA
Net taking a risk on sleuth skein
ABC has its "Eyes" on the latest project from "Fastlane" scribe-exec producer John McNamara. Alphabet's given a seven-figure put pilot commitment to the hourlong drama, which will revolve around a 21st century version of a detective agency .


What does "21st century version of a detective agency" mean? how did you sell that? Doe s it mean it's another Sam Spade rip off with slow pans and spedd up frames? Fastlane was a 21st century version of Mimi Vice and it bombed. Why would you sink money in a Simon & Simon version of FOX's last year mistake?

Here's my pitch..."It's crap meets crap."

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

More things that have to go

Independent movies about the Mafia.
I like a good Mafia movie, but how many tough guys do we need?

I just saw a film made by Danny Provansono, a convicted criminal going to jail for extortion. He claims that there is no such thing as organized crime, but he made a movie about mob bosses, sit downs, and guys getting whacked.

The movie is real good, especially for a guy's first film. (Having said that, I can keep my thumbs). But why a Mafia movie? Doesn't he have stories about his life of crime that we can see that's not wrapped in a Sopranos wrapper?

One scene in "This Thing of Ours," that's off; Danny and his three buddies are in a back room of a Chinese restraint loudly telling stories about whacking guys and drinking Japanese rice wine.
1) Why so loud? I was waiting for the people at table 5 to come over and arrest them.
2) Wrong restraint!

If it's true that there's not organize crime and this guy did all this illegal stuff on his own, why not write about that? He could've redefined the Mafia movie by writing his own story.


Other movie genres that have to go:
1) Whacky but terrible bank robbers
2) Bounty hunters, bank robber, Jewel thieves, etc. out for one last heist.
3) Mean Streets rip offs.
4) Accidently killing a hooker and trying to hide the body instead of going to the police.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Just Saw

an ad for the 5 am news cast.

"Can't sleep? We have your sleeping tips this morning at 5 AM."
Yeah, if I stayed up at 5 AM, I' could sleep the next night too.

Lose 10 pounds. find out at 5 AM.

Back to school bargans, find out at 5 AM.

The best swimsuits. We have them at 5 AM.


How about, traffic, news and weather. If you are up that's what you need. If you don't need to be up, why bother? It's the age of the internet, I can find the info whenever...I can google, Bitch@#$%!

If I'm up at 5 AM, I'm most likely drunk.

Dailies, a big mistake. this morning at 5 AM.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

From Variety:


'RINGS' TEAM NABS A 'KING'S' RANSOM
Trio to share writing duties, $20 mil for redo
Peter Jackson will earn a King Kong-sized salary when he directs the ape remake: In one of the largest deals ever made with a director, Universal will pay $20 million against 20% of the gross.


Big mistake. I mean really. Peter Jackson is great. Always has been. Well, hit and miss, but always a good miss. But why "king Kong?" Why try and do it better.

Remember "Independence ay?" That was a huge hit. Tons of money. After that the film makers could write their own ticket. Next project? Anything they wanted. Next project? "Godzilla." and this movie was supposed to be better than the crappy old ones.

Well, it sucked. Who's idea was it to make his head flat? The movie bombed. People were complaining heated it wasn't as fun as the old ones.

But who said the old ones were worth remaking anyway? They were bad movies.

Same with "King Kong." It's nervie to say you can do better than either of those crappy films.
------------
From Variety:


. FOX VISITS 'BOONDOCKS'
If greenlit, toon would bow in the 2004-05 midseason
Fox has combed "The Boondocks" to find its next major animated project. Network ordered a pilot presentation last week for a potential series based on the edgy comicstrip by Aaron McGruder.


This comic is great. Please don't fuzz it up by adding white people or something. Please let it be what it is. Remember, it's not "South Park." It's "Boondocks."


Saturday, August 09, 2003

Things that have to go.

Years ago, the funny David Letterman did a bit where he talked about phases that have to stop being said. The one that stands out was "Go for it."

I have a new list and like the old list, I can only remember one thing on it.

Movies and TV shows have to stop saying. "I learned it from the Discovery Channel."

Whenever a character spits out some facts the other guy asks how he knows that he says something to the point of "I watch a lot of Discovery Channel."
That's just embarrassing. You didn't read that? You don't just remember that elementary fact from school?

It was funny ht e first time, but now I'm afraid that it's always going to be said all the time.

In Bad Boys II they went there. Oh they went there. Wil Smith said "The Learning Channel."

I can't watch those channels. I know people do. It just reminds me of those really boring film strips we watched in school.

I have et to say that I learned something from the Game Show Network.

"Johnny asked Susie to hold his BLANK."

Also, PLEASE STOP using this line in movies as a punch line. "For shizzle my nizzle." No one knows what that means, even Snoop Dogg. And it's to a point that it's obvious one person only wrote it or heard it from another movie using that same joke.

People don't say that fizzle thing anyway. It was old and dated the first time it came out of Dogg's mouth. It's just took a while to get to the white man's type writer and onto the scene.

I also don't like the term "off the chain." It just doesn't make sense. If something is not great, is it still on the chain? How is something on the chain in the first place? That must be hard. But I've heard people actually say it, so it can't be so bad... Which is good.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Gigli

Gigli sucks. No one is arguing that. Wall Street Journal called it the worst movie of the century. The movie took two years to release. that means they thought it sucked and hoped time would make it better. Well almost.

Apparently Byron Allen, the guy with the fake TV show, said, "Original with a surprise ending." Yeah, it still sucked. How bad off are you if you are quoting Byron Allen in your ads?

The movie would just be another Ben Afflack mistake that comes and goes from the studio, if the f@#$ing PR people didn't go nuts with the Ben/Lopez romance for the past year.

you had to hear about this s@#$ for months. Everything they did seemed news worthy.

They even took an interview that Pat O'Brien did for Access Hollywood and expanded it to an hour of Dateline. Now AC, is an entertainment news show, the interview makes sense. But Dateline is supposed to be news stories. So to have an hour of Ben/Lopez, it must be news worthy.

They showed them cooking rice and beans. How is that news? A Puerto Rican cooking rice and beans, news? It's news if she doesn't.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Also check out the lastest from Media Yenta

Jumping on the Gay (bandwagon)

Since Queer Eye for the Straight Guy became such a hit, the buzz is that over-the-top gay men are in! Thank God, I have an angora sweater I've been dying to debut. Hello, sailors!

Other shows are following suit. Casting calls will go out for "Queer Eye Types." Replaced will be the "Matha Stewart Types" and the "Steven Coocha-CooCha-Gara Types."
Sorry STEVEN COJOCARU, even you are too low key now. He's been very busy. Maybe now the People Magazine maven and Access Hollywood whore can take a break and relax his streched out face. The good news is that he does have a call back for Chacka in the Land of the Lost movie.
me-ouch!


I saw Queer Eye the other night. It a great show. I think that part of the show's success is that the show is really good. I mean the men are funny and all, but the editing and the casting are the real stars. They try and find a story with some drama built in and they are sure to get out information. Once again Hollywood has taken the most obvious part of something good and whittles it down to that. "Our entire show can suck, as long as we have 5 queens we're fine."

The new thing is that gay men know how to do things and they can be put to use like a mule to help the straight white man. We always bring it back tot he straight white man.
Isn't that right Queen Latifah? Who took her Oscar nominated bad self over to Steve Martin's crib to teach him how to live life.
Isn't that right box office champ Wil Smith who brought his world famous self over to the golf course to teach Matt Damon how to golf and live life despite having the world's largest teeth?


Gay and Black culture is not treated like culture on TV or in movies. It's treated as an oddity that can help us.



NBC took the hit episode off Bravo, cut it in half to 30 minutes and aired it with some success at 9:30 after Will and Grace.* I think they have the right idea, but go in the other direction. They should plan large 1 hour specials and have them ready for sweeps.

Last night, while drinking with a few choice friends at one of the few outdoor bars in a town where the weather is always great, I spoke out about the Queer Eye to a female friend. I asked her if she was offended that it's a show about 5 men telling another man what women want. Not 5 women.

She informed me that it was 5 gay men. I told her I knew that, but it's still men telling men that women want. She informed me that I didn't understand women and after that statement, I really didn't understand women.

She also went on to tell me that her show is looking to add 5 men to tell men what women want too. I suggested she add women, but she laughed me off.
"No, it's all about five gay men."

If you want to know what women want, go to the source, not the guy at the White Party.

Bravo has another gay teamed reality show hit. It's about a guy who has 15 guys to choose from to date. BUT! The rub is that some of the gay guys aren't gay! So if he picks the guy who's straight, the main guy has to turn him by the end of the episode. That's where the challenge is!

I thought Bravo was a channel for quality shows and movies, not risky reality shows that even NBC is too scared to air. How is this show a good companion to "Inside the Actor's Studio?" Unless of course Kevin Spacy is the guest. (Just kidding. Please don't sue. I'm not saying that's true.)


*(Will and Grace in case you don't know is a successful sitcom about a woman married to a dreamy doctor and her best friend, a gay man who hasn't had even a kiss since the show stared. We can have gay characters as long as they don't have meaningful, sexual relationships.)

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Deja Viewings

Imdb reported Paramount executives blamed Eidos'
videogame Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life
for the movie's poor b.o. Deja vu? Sure, videogame
company Activision recently sued Paramount, blaming
the poor b.o. of Star Trek: Nemesis for
tarnishing their line of Star Trek games.

Fall is in the air and Whoopi's new sit-com promos
are everywhere. The Whoopster works in a hotel.
Deja vu? Sure, since it sounds like her 1990 sit-com
Baghdad Cafe, where she worked in a hotel with
Jean Stapleton (and yes, deja vu fans, that was
based on the '88 movie).

F/X just cancelled my favorite new show, Lucky.
So, in honor of Lucky, I'm going to gratuitously
use the word "shit." Shit.

- Media Yenta's Brother

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

VH1 has thrown in the towel. After years of being MTV's older-not-as-good-looking brother, they are changing their format. If you've seen the station over the last two years, you'd notice that lots of strange shows were poppin' up. Left over Paramount movies from the 80's like Top Gun and Cocktail were part of their "movies that Rock." They even started re-airing shows like NBC's "Re-run Show" and a low budget caught on tape show hosted by a former Baywatch Babe.

Now it's official. VH1 is going to be a station not about music, but pop culture. Anything-pop culture. I know what you are thinking, "Isn't TV pop culture? Thereby anything on TV is instantly pop culture?"

Part of their big plan is to re-run syndicated programing. So if you missed your favorite Ricki! episode, you can catch it the next daaay. GO RICKI!
This can only mean one thing: In two years, VH1 will change again. Check this out;
Here's the progression of TNN:

TNN- The Nashville Network, country station
TNN- The National Network, "Anything POP." I don't know what that means either.
TNN- the New TNN, Anything to with pop culture. (Is that different than POP?)
SpikeTV/The very new TNN- The First network for Men.

Now check out the transformation of FX.

fX - TV made fresh, daily. Wacky mostly live channel from a large apartment in NYC. Had a late night show with Orlando Jones called SoundfX at 11 pm.
FX- Fox on Cable. They aired the successful reruns of NYPD Blue and X-Files.
FX The channel for Men. They had the terrible male version of the View called the X-show. It ran nightly and was a piece of shit.
FX- Once they got The Shield, they dropped their development staff that brought them the Shield and became a commercial version of HBO.

What's next for our little station that could? Who knows? But I do know their new slogan.

VH1 - If you don't like the format, just wait a week.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

For the Love of GOD!

Can we get some Black people on Reality shows? Big Brother 4 has a cast of the whitest losers you've ever seen. Watch what happens, it gets boring and no one watches. I love the people who make the show, I wish they'd just put a bunch of Black people on. More than one male one female.

Once again, everyone is real young except for one older male father type. Every year, since Chicken John was a break out star in the first try at the show, they've put in one older guy.

In the first Survivor, there were older people and non-beautiful people. The show was a huge hit. So what do they do for the next season? That's right, hot chicks and studs.
But didn't the first hit season prove that we don't need superficial beauty and youth to get viewers, then why add that element?

It's TV, Jake. It's TV.



That's not an answer, but you using a famous line and fucking with it.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Orlando Jones Show --DOA

Recently FX launched its late night talk show starring Orlando Jones. You know that comic actor who was in lots of forgettable, ridiculous movies. Well he's has a late night show, right on the 24/7 FX that seems to only have three original shows and endless M*A*S*H reruns.

Apparently, if Orlando Jones does any kind of ratings, FOX will bring the show over to the network.

First of all, why do we need another chat show? Why does every new show have to re-invent late night talk? Just do a late night show, or don't.

Orlando said in an Entertainment Weakling article that I saved since early June;

"No white guys, no desk, no band." No deference, who cares? If you can't afford any of those things, then it's fine.

He went on to say, " There's always a bit where they so the monologue, and they pause, and they laugh at their own joke and they pause again. And the monologue has maybe 3 minutes of comic material but it takes them to do it." (I wish I knew how to use my scanner. I wouldn't have to type so much.)

I don't get it. The other hosts take too much time being funny? Is Orlando going to save time but not being funny? And anyway, in all fairness, Caroline Rhea has been laughing at her own act since 1987.

Now OJ talks about something stupid and not funny instead of a monologue and then brings the guest out, asks one question and goes to commercial.

First of all, if you want to save time, don't have anything upfront at all and go right to the guest.

First the announcer says who going to be on the show and gives a lingering intro to Orlando (29 seconds).
Then the audience stands and goes crazy like their lives depended on it (5 seconds).
Then OJ intro's his music supervisor and his DJ. They are two different people. Why does a show with no band needs a supervisor?
The audience slaps crazy for them (4 seconds) and then the music supervisor talks about how the DJ is dope and blessed and hype and too dope for words and the DJ gets coy and blushes (36 seconds).
Then OJ talks about how blessed he is to have tonight's guest and how great the musical performer is even though you never heard of this guy who available. Didn't the announcer just tell us who was on the show? (45 seconds)
Then the clip and the guest.

Thanks for saving me 5 minutes of time by not being funny.

OJ hit my favorite note for talk show hosts on his first night. He told his guest that he was blessed. I love when hosts say that. It means the host has nothing else to say and they are stalling. T went something like this;
OJ: "You are blessed." Audience goes nuts.
Adrian Brody: “No you are. You have a show with your name on it." Audience goes nuts. OJ can't argue with good plain kiss ass logic and agrees with the Oscar winner that he too is blessed.

And why is the audience clapping/ No one is about to tell them that they are blessed.
OJ also says "no doubt" in response to the guest’s statement. Nothing kills a conversation like a conversation stopper like "No doubt," "Ok," or "Ok, no doubt."

The show is fine enough. OJ is so relaxed on his set, you think he's about to fall asleep before you do.

But here's what will hurt the show. FX is only showing 3 new episodes a week and show reruns on Thursday and Friday. Comedy Central does that with "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and too much Hype." But CC tells the audience that the show is on Mon - Thursday. They also do that with the very funny stand out show, "Tough Crowd with Collin Quinn who mumbles."

I think the audience will see a promo on Wednesday for a show that they just saw on Monday and get discouraged and stop watching because it feels like there's always a re-run. And the show is going on a 2 week vacation after only being on the air for a month and only showing 3 shows a week.

Here's what they should've done...I'm not saying, I'm just saying...
Premiered the show on Wednesday instead of Monday. Air all original episodes in the first week. Then on Thursday of the second week, air the very first show again. This keeps you one week ahead of yourself.

“But they need to sell ad time for the entire first week. They need to make money.”


Then they should've make 5 for the first week and three for the rest.

“It’s always a re-run.” Watch, people will get bored with his show before he does.

PS. Have you ever noticed that when you go to watch a show that you've only seen once before, it's the same episode as the only other episode you've seen? (Pause, laugh, pause)

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Man turns in $1,700 found under hedges, doesn't want a reward
The police department called a press conference to announce that Paul Wilson turned in the money he found. "I didn't know this was going to be such a big deal," says Wilson, a gardener. "There was really nothing to think about. It wasn't mine and I could imagine how (the bag's owner) must feel." (Palm Beach Post)


The shocking part for me isn't that someone returned it and didn't want a reward. It's; who walks around with $1,700 in a paper bag? And when do you realize you just lost the most important thing you are holding?

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

The Opposite Sex on UPN.

Like most things, I really wanted to hate this show. BUt Eve is a great talent. She has great presence. Also the show features teh famous for no reason, Ali Laundry. This is good for the show. The two women and do some publicity and people will watch it.

It's about how men are different from woman. But this show is also about how women are different than men. You see? You see why I wanted to hate this show?

But I don't think that the show is only about htat. I mena that Mars/Venus crap ran out of steam in the '80's.

Times I laughed out loud: 1
Number of white guys that think they are black: 0
Number of the dumb white guy: 0
Number of Samatha type charaters (slutty hot chicks): 1
Would I watch it every week?: No, I'm too hip. I only watch one camera stuff or cartoon sitcoms.

The show fit in great with the other marginal sitcoms. Eve is a break out star.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Reviews of pilots of new shows.
Finally a reason to read the Yenta, besides looking for typos and creative spellings. Other reviews to follow.

Recently I viewed three pilots for next year's season.
UPN's "The Mullets." Their new Tuesday night line-up is a strange color wheel if nothing else. At 8 pm they start with a sitcom starring only black people, then as night goes on, it lightens up a little with a sprinkle of the white man. Then at 9:30 it's a celebration of all things white trash, "The Mullets."

Now I love to laugh at mullet as much as the next guy.

Yes, I've seen Mulletsgalore.com. Yes, I have. Yes. Stop bringing it up. No I haven't seen the documentary. What the fuck? Leave me alone!

Mullets are funny looking and that's it. It's like saying, "Hey, let's make a show based around a rainbow wig or Groucho Marx glasses." (Those two ideas appeared here first, BTW!)

The show is a story about two white trash brothers that have mullets, their friends have mullets, and even their last name is Mullet. Get it? No, I don't. Why is their last name Mullet? Does that drive the point home more? Should my last name be "$8 hair cut?" Why don't they just change their name to Mulletsgalore.com?

The brothers are roofers and whenever they declare something is going right and their lives are going well, one of them falls off the roof or through it.

The other characters include, their MILFy mom, Loni Anderson, her new uptight "I-can't-believe-I-married-into-this-white- trash-family-good-God-look-at those-tits" husband, two or three buddies who hang out at the Mullet's house all day and have mullets including the obligatory black guy with a Jeri Curlish mullet. He's played by one of the great actors from "Fear of a Black Hat."
Let's not forget the obligatory "will they or won't they" hot Blondie love interest of the straighter brother.

The set for the house BTW, is straight out of Married with Children. With the sliding door in the back and the three diamond windows on the on the front door. Maybe they used the set for the pilot. I wish they used a couple of writers.

The brothers aren't believable. The love interest guy is too LA looking. It's like the cast directors went to Dough Boy on Third and put a mullet wig on their waiter. I'm trying to say he looks like the LA handsome guy. He's also too straight. I mean he's speech is perfect, his accent is straight out of nowhere, and you can see the acting classes all over him.

The other guy is too schicky. He shakes and looks down when giving out his wacky lines. He's doing an over the top version of the cool guy from "Dazed and Confused." Yes I know Ben Affleck is in that movie. Yes, i know he's dating what's her name.


The plot was funny; they have to listen pop music in order to win tickets to Wrestle Mania for their mom.

The show just feels false, everyday guys in mullet wigs trying to be likeable white trash.

I don't see the show catching on. They are watered down too much to for you to laugh at them and not relatable enough.

I don't want to sound racist. I like white trash. In fact my accountant and lawyer are white trash. Which is why I'm broke and going to jail.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Why doesn't HBO show Porn?

I guess years ago, HBO decided to cut off from the other pay networks and try to have class. And class they got. Sopranos helped that. But most pay cable has dirty late night programming. Yummy yum. I pay and extra $30 a month, I want some late night porn! I don't think that's much to ask for. I don't rent hard core or anything like that from the video store, because I don't want people to know what I'm watching.

Don't think for a minute that the video clerk isn't watching. I had a friend in high school that told me of al old couple that rented porn every Friday. I wan t be a subject of some guy's cocktail party story. " The Media Yenta came to the shop again today for some porn."

Nope, I'd rather get 3rd rate soft-core porn from a pay cable channel. Good thing Julie Strain is hot. I never knew Eric Roberts did some many roles between "Star 80 " and "Almost Perfect."

But HBO is above the old biker movie or drifter becomes houseboy and pet to all that needs it. They are an art house in a town of porno shops. Like the best of the art house, HBO needs to hide their dirty ways; under the cloak of "documentary." they have the real sex show, where middle age deviants go on camera to talk about their craziness. This show has been on so long that I went from hoping I don't catch my parents on the show, to hoping I don't catch myself on the show.

Now HBO is doing a 13 thousand part series on pornography. Who cares? What do I need to know that I already don't? Women and men with parent issues and drug habits have sex in front of a video camera, and I buy it whenever I'm out of town and wearing a fake beard.

Why can't HBO admit that they are showing porn and show porn? Stop pussy footing around and show some guts...and pussy.
Tonight ABC aired a three hour retrospective of their 50 years of being on the air. The show was 3 hours so they could fit all the great sucesses they had over the years and
because they didn't have any other Monday night programming.

Booth Babes and Video Games

While the networks roll out their fall line-ups this week, another industry (one that probably makes more
money than the TV industry) also unveils new shit. The videogame world's big convention, Electronic
Entertainment Expo (E3), wrapped up Friday in the Los Angeles Convention Center, with all the major playas
playing. Nintendo stressed games that utilized Gamecube/Gameboy Advance connectivity, like
four-player Pac-Man (Why? Because the Gameboy Advance costs $100 and the cable is $10). Sony unveiled new hardware, like an updated online-ready PlayStation2 and next Xmas' Gameboy-killer, the PlayStation
Portable. As for Xbox, well, um ... Microsoft lowered its price twenty bucks. Make sure to read all the
nerdy details here.

In related news, E Online announced Nic Cage will star in the movie version of the guilty-pleasure videogame Dead to Rights. He's a cop whose cop pop got popped by corrupt city officials, and it's his mission to avenge his dead dad. How does he avenge the loss of life? By shooting everyone in the room. That crass hypocrisy makes perfect Hollywood fodder. Here's to the start of another fucking franchise.

- Media Yenta's Brother, aka "Friend to the Star of 'The Ortegas'"

Friday, May 16, 2003

UPN and FOX
Lists of shows stolen from CYNTHIA TURNER'S CYNOPSIS at CynEzine@aol.com

THE UPN:
Here's another place where a HUGE Company needs to get on the ball and cross promote. BET, MTV, Comedy Central, and the little seen VH1. They should introduce the actors, stars, and stories of the new season.

Monday: The Parkers, THE OPPOSITE SEX, Girlfriends, Half and Half
Tuesday: One on One, ALL OF US, ROCK ME BABY, THE MULLETS

Finally, a good idea for Tuesday. More comedy. They came promote from Monday for Tuesday. Smart. Now all UPN needs are three sitcoms that'll work after One on One. One by one the other three will drop out.

Wednesday: Enterprise, JAKE 2.0
Sure, why not. A sci-fi show to follow Star Trekk. It NEVER worked before, why not do it again? UPN needs some reality shows. Maybe hey can get CBS's left overs.

Thursday: WWE Smackdown

Days are numbered. Still, enjoy while it lasts. Two more years, tops. By then Friends will be long gone and Survivor will be soooooo tired.

Friday: UPN Movie
A band-aid. Again, something that hasn't worked for years, why not do it again. It's always smarter than introducing those horrible shows that they had on before.

Here is FOX's confirmed Fall schedule 2003
Monday: Joe Millionaire (WONDERFALLS in January), SKIN

Monday - Lost. Joe was here, and now it's overdone after one season.

Tuesday: AMERICAN JUNIORS, 24
Who wants to see this show? 9 years old and grandparents. A different audience than the crazy 24.

Wednesday: That 70's Show, A MINUTE WITH STAN HOOPER, Bernie Mac, Cedric the Entertainer
Fine, fine, fine.

Thursday: TRU CALLING, THE O.C.
It seems like they can put whatever they want here and it'll be gone within a week or so. They might as well write; Thursday: THUSYES DJEL, OSKUEHSG


Friday: Wanda at Large, LUIS, Boston Public
Wanda, it was nice knowing ya. Then again, it might just work. Let's hope so. Friday, I can't say anything snide! DAMN YOU FOX!

Saturday: Cops, Cops, America's Most Wanted
Sunday: Oliver Beene, King/Hill, The Simpsons, THE ORTEGAS, Malcolm in the Middle, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The Ortegas star is a friend of my brothers. Great guy. For that reason, the show will be a big hit and will change the world. My pick of the season, out of all the shows on Network today.
Question: What already established FOX sitcom will replace ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT when it's cancelled after a month?

Thursday, May 15, 2003

"Bruce Almighty." I can't wait to see the remake of "Zapped" starring Scott Bao.
Here's CBS's Fall Line up and my two cents.
Again, The list was directly taken from Mark Berman's column on mediaweek.com


Monday
8:00 p.m. Yes, Dear (new time period)
8:30 p.m. Still Standing (new time period)
9:00 p.m. Everybody Loves Raymond
9:30 p.m. TWO AND A HALF MEN
10:00 p.m. CSI: Miami

In a move that can only make NBC happy, CBS moved it's hit show out of the 8 pm spot and is now using a show that shouldn't of made it past the first season for it's tent pole. That means more viewers for Fear Factor on NBC. ABC should rethink their plan to give on Mondays with their news show. ABC will have enough holes that will need a news show band-aid, that they shouldn't start now. Maybe ABC can put a couple of sitcoms for people flock to once they realize that Yes, Dear is bad. After the closeted comedy, Still Standing, another show that people only watch because they are too tired to grab the clicker after Raymond. Maybe this season, Mark Addy can drop the bullshit American accent and use his real voice. He sounds like an angry Fred Flintstone with Harvey Firestien voice.
----------

Tuesday
8:00 p.m. NCIS
9:00 p.m. The Guardian
10:00 p.m. Judging Amy

NCIS is yet another CSI show. Maybe no one will notice it's not CSI and watch it every week. I wonder if they use they came sets for all the CBS crime dramas? Maybe all the cops from CBS can get together and find Bin Laden.



----------

Wednesday
8:00 p.m. 60 Minutes II
9:00 p.m. The King of Queens (new day and time)
9:30 p.m. THE STONES
10:00 p.m. THE BROTHERHOOD OF POLAND, N.H.

Well, I hope they cancel King of Queens, they'll still play it on the plane. They should've put King and the Stones on at 8 pm and the adult 60 minutes II at 9. The 60 minutes audience is not watching the Bachelor or West Wing. Who is watching the West Wing?

F the Stones. It will die quickly and Becker will be call out of retirement to keep the spot warm for the next replacement. Anyway, Robert Kline yelled at me when I was a teenager. So f him!

----------

Thursday
8:00 p.m. Survivor
9:00 p.m. CSI
10:00 p.m. Without a Trace

They should flip CSI and Without a Trace. No one really cares about Will and Grace and ER is fading. It would be a great aggressive move to put the two mega dramas head to head.
----------

Friday
8:00 p.m. JOAN OF ARCADIA
9:00 p.m. Jag (new day and time)
10:00 p.m. THE HANDLER

JOAN OF ARCADIA will be moved to Sundays at 8 when the new cop show on Sunday is canned. Touched by an Angel did really well at 8 PM on Sunday. It's obvious. Anyway, let Friday be for cops and robbers.

The Handler should be moved to a place where people will see it. Now that NBC moved L&O:SUV to Tuesdays and put on the watered down version of Boomtown, CBS has a chance to steal that spot. Remember when Nash Bridges and Homicide went up against each other? The dumbed down Nash beat the smart Homicide.

----------

Saturday
8:00 p.m. 48 Hours Investigates
9:00 p.m. Hack (new day)
10:00 p.m. The District (new time)

Who cares? They should use Saturday to replay one of their shows.

----------

Sunday
7:00 p.m. 60 Minutes
8:00 p.m. COLD CASE
9:00 p.m. CBS Sunday Movie

Put Cold Case on Friday and Joan on Sunday. That's all. The movie is a good idea.