Saturday, December 28, 2002

Gangs of New York

It was like the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride with characters from "The Warriors."
Media Math
In honor of Martin Lawrence's new movie, here's one of those trivia thingies.

Cop, Jewel Thief, Thief, Both

In his movies, he plays 2 different roles: Cop and Crook. To prove it, check out his last nine non-concert, non-Black Knight (it doesn't fit) movies. Tell me what role he played.

1. Blue Streak 2 (2003)
2. Bad Boys II (2003)
3. National Security (2003)
4. What's the Worst That Could Happen? (2001)
5. Big Momma's House (2000)
6. Blue Streak (1999)
7. Life (1999)
8. Nothing to Lose (1997)
9. Bad Boys (1995)

Is that all he can do? Every time he does a new cop movie, they have to introduce his character's surroundings: family, work, car. The rest is the same. "Martin as a cop." "Martin as a crook."
I think they should do a series of cop movies starring Lawrence. Like the "Dirty Harry" movies. That way we can go and see a new bad guy and new cars getting blown up. Less time introducing the characters and more time for Martin fast-talking bad guys and pulling his gun on people.

I'll watch anything he does, as long as it's not set in medieval times.
The host for E!'s "Star Dates" dating show is so bad that if I worked there, after one episode, I would've fired him and then myself for hiring him.

Monday, December 23, 2002

From the "No Shit" section of the Hollywood Reporter:

Apollo Theater files trademark suit
Dec. 23, 2002

The legal saga of Harlem's famous Apollo Theater continues with the filing of a civil complaint in New York by the Apollo Theater Foundation against Western International Syndication and Inner City Theater Group for alleged violation of federal trademark law and unfair competition. Western International and Inner City Broadcasting produced and distributed the syndicated "It's Showtime at the Apollo." Western's association with the theater ceased earlier in the year, after which Western launched the entertainment series "Showtime in Harlem." The complaint filed Friday refers specifically to alleged infringements of the "Showtime at the Apollo" trademark. A statement by David Rodriguez, executive director of the Apollo, said: "The continued use of the Apollo Theater's trademarks by Western and ICTG's 'Showtime in Harlem' is the source of considerable confusion in the marketplace, in the mind of the consumer and among other interested parties, which injures and dilutes the Apollo's distinctive brands -- many of which have been symbols of the Apollo since 1934 -- and its affiliated properties, including the original 'Showtime at the Apollo.' This confusion, if it is not stopped, will hurt our ability to make needed improvements to the Apollo Theater and to carry out the important purposes of the foundation." (Steve Brennan)


The Showtime in Harlem totally stole the format, title, Sandman Sims, and hosts from "Showtime at the Apollo." I can't believe the rip-off show made it to the air.

Sunday, December 22, 2002

If you look at my site meter, you'll find lots of people go on my site looking for nude celebs. Here's how I'll get traffic: Pictures of Kelly Ripa nude.
Sharon Osbourne nude.
Who else?

I of course don't have these or want these, but there you go.
Don't Attack BET
White media outlets can't throw stones.

Recently BET canceled three of their news shows and one of their video shows. That leaves one news program and 14,000 video shows. They also made Comic View into a comedy show.

News sources around the country attacked BET for denying African Americans of news. HUH?
To be clear: No news source attacked BET. They reported that other people were upset. They pointed the finger without being the pointer.

The obvious question: Is BET the only channel that black people watch? Don't they have 400 channels like the rest of us?
The reality: BET was the only channel that was airing news and news programs for African Americans.

That's not what it's about
BET's decision was purely economic. They must have felt that not enough people were watching those shows and they could make more money with other programming. That's the same reasons that other news sources don't have minority news. Why should BET lose money if other news sources don't want to?

BET's job is not to inform African Americans. Its job is to make money. It's a TV station, not a civil rights organization. It's a shame that there aren't more news sources on TV for African Americans, but the blame shouldn't be put on BET.

There is a theory that Paramount bought the channel to make it a music video channel. The theory is that they bought the channel and are trying to make it into an "urban" partner with MTV.

Viacom/Paramount owns:
MTV: Young white kids and people in their 30s who don't know that it's over.
VH1: Apparently for no one, but originally for white people in their late 20s on up.
CTM: Country music.
So why not add BET to their radio station of cable channels?

If you don't like it, you can: write letters, boycott the station, or watch the news shows, giving them great ratings.

Other stations for African Americans are starting up. Viewer loyalty and pressure can be put on them to have more news shows than annoying videos.

To avoid a witch-hunt: This is about the media, not race. This is not about me, but about the media. Put the soapbox down.

This may prove my point about the news coverage of the lack of news coverage. If taken quotes from the almighty book, only read on special nights in the Spring.

From the Hollywood Hagaddah

The incredulous son would ask: "Why don't news sources who reported this 'upset' put on or print more news and news programs geared toward minorities themselves?"

You should answer: "Advertisers feel they don't want to reach minorities. Advertisers decide what goes on the news."

The son who doesn't know how to ask a question would then ask:
"Wouldn't you think that this would open up an opportunity for other news sources to pick up the ball and start running? It would make sense that at least locally in LA, KCAL could pick up the ball. The station is owned by the same megacorp as BET and Paramount. They run 3 hours of prime-time news every night. THREE HOURS! How many times can you say 'A rapist was caught... A cat was found... A car was chased'? Since Paramount owns both stations, they can share money and resources. Repurpose the BET on KCAL."

You would answer: "That wasn't even a question. Take your flat bread and go to your room. Be careful the sullen son."

Thursday, December 19, 2002

Some sick f*** found my site because they were searching for naked pictures of Dan Hedaya.

I do have the pictures, but I was forced to take them down when it was discovered that I superimposed the head on another body. It's hard to find real shots of him naked. I'll trade 2 naked Bob Newharts for a naked Judd Hirsch.
This morning on Howard Stern, he was about to play a tape of J. Lo and Ben Af-flack talking about the King of All Media. The catch was this: director Kevin Smith had to be on the phone to set it up. OK, the producers bit, and the Jersey director was allowed on air to set up this clip of two superstars discussing the DJ.

Smith got on and complained that he couldn't get on in the past. Anyway, the tape played...
It turned out to be dialogue from Smith's next film.

That wouldn't be so bad...



Jennifer Lopez and Ben Af-flack are so popular b/c they are so good. They have a natural way about them that makes them stars. Like most movie stars they play variations on themselves. As many classes of Misner will teach you, acting is just the exercise of putting yourself in different situations.

This clip was so bad that you'd think it was from a student film using the director's parents' friend's cousin's dog walker's next-door neighbors. With only two lines of dialogue he stripped away years of acting lessons and on-camera experience. With only four lines, he was able to make top-line, A-list movie stars sound like community theater actors doing "Grease" in a converted barn.

Is there no way to deliver his lines? His gig is that he writes realistic, natural dialogue, but his actors always seem uncomfortable getting their mouths around his run-on sentences and $10 words. The only time someone would use half those words is when they were studying for their SATs. Nobody talks like that.

How can a man make 5 movies and direct the biggest names in Hollywood and make their performances more wooden than my coffee table? He made Jennifer Lopez into Rebecca Pidgeon.

I'm a Jersey boy. I love Southern Jersey. I look forward to Kevin Smith's movies. I want them to be good and do well. But his films get stupider and flatter as time goes on. His only talent is that he got the first film off the ground. Bless him for that... but what the fuck?

How can he make the hottest couple of the year as boring as Fox's midseason lineup?

Their acting is slower than the new DA from "Law & Order" on 33 rpm.

Monday, December 16, 2002

Checklist for when you need a celeb for a show where you need a celeb
If you're working on a reality or game show and your boss yells out "We need to do a celebrity edition," just go down this list of readily available celebrities.

Gary Coleman
Todd Bridges
Kathy Griffin
Tommy Davidson (comes with Griffin)
Greg Brady
Any cast member from "Mad TV"
Any cast member from "Baywatch"
The wrestler holding onto the name "Chyna"
Stephen Baldwin

Is there no creativity to casting these shows? Or are these the only people who'll do shows?
Like flies to shit

Robin Williams once said that when he was addicted to coke he'd go to any Hollywood party, because there would be drugs there. He'd "go to an opening of an envelope."

I feel the same holds for the very funny comedian Kathy Griffin when it comes to TV shows. I'm in NO WAY saying she does drugs. I doubt she could afford them anyway. But it would be a good explanation of why whenever a "celeb" is needed, she's there. She's been on every talk show, game show, and reality show. She was a special correspondent on the Halloween Parade alongside fellow TV whore Tommy Davidson.

If there's a show with the word "Celebrity" in the title, she's on the panel. OK, maybe not the boxing show, but let's wait for part 4.

I just saw her in the credits of the Anna Nicole "E! Exploits a grieving widow/unstable person Christmas special." That means she was on the show. Is there a show she hasn't done?

She outed Stephen Baldwin. When he called into the radio show she was on, she told the listeners that she and the slow brother were going to do "Celebrity Mole." She also said that each celeb got $25,000. I don't know if that's total or per episode.

She was in NYC to shoot a pilot for CBS where celebs and funny folk talk about shows that jump the shark. Too bad that show jumped the shark, halfway through taping the pilot. (Have I used that catty joke before?)

This new trend of TV casting will keep Kathy Griffin working to a point where we won't know why she was famous in the first place.

What is she famous for? She was on a sitcom that was canned a few years ago and that nobody liked.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

I was told by a reader that she'd enjoy the site better if there was an "About me" section.

About the Yenta

The Media Yenta is a mench who works in the entertainment business. He lives in the Hollywood Hills Adjacent Heights. He obtained the power of show biz insight. He could clearly solve programing gaps, plot twists, and celeb makeovers. But with increased media powers, he lost the ability to spell or proofread. The Yenta realizes the irony and enjoys using that word incorrectly. He also insists that "irregardless" is a word.

Media Yenta wants to let the readers know that this is not a gossip site. NOT! The Yenta works in the biz and has to look at these people every day. His site is meant to inform, provide insight, and let people know how smart he is. He also doesn't want to pull a "Ron Fineman" and lose his job.

He also supplies links to media news sites, jobs sites, and other media blog sites, making it possible to get your daily entertainment news from one place.

Media Yenta will never forget the last words of his Uncle Ben (no relation):
"With great power comes bad spelling."

Friday, December 13, 2002

Schecky Yenta
The media yenta does a tight 5 upfront.

The Daily Planet, an Australian bordello, said Thursday that it plans to put itself on the stock exchange listing in early 2003.
- The stock is expected to rise and rise, then abruptly explode and become sullen and distant.

ABC announced that an episode of its cult-hit spy drama "Alias" will air after Super Bowl XXXVII on Jan. 26.
-The network says they picked the drama because of its great writing and fast action, and all the rest of their shows have been canceled.

Vermont trailer-dweller Lori Pratt was arrested this week for pointing a loaded shotgun at her husband's crotch and firing it after she found a pornographic video under their bed.
- Ironically, the video was called "Point a Loaded Shotgun at My Crotch and Fire It."
- She found the video while looking for her shotgun.
- The husband was feeling better and was only upset that they couldn't make their appearance on "Springer."

A half-smoked cigar that belonged to Winston Churchill was auctioned off this week for $3,585.
- Which is still much less than a packet of cigarettes in Manhattan.
- Insert Monica Lewinski joke here

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

If I were a transvestite, my name would be "Miss Speller."
The late-night doctor is in

From: Cynthia Turner's Cynopsis (12/11/02):
"FX is getting into the late night chat mode with Orlando Jones' new talker scheduled to debut this summer. Billed as an entertainment talk-variety show, the show will be just 30 m long, airing Monday-Friday."
Why? Why do we need another late-night talk show? Why does the network feel they need one? I mean, do all original programs after 11 p.m. have to be celebrity chat shows?

Anything would be good to prevent Jones from making any more movies, though. "Double Take" was the worst movie I saw all year, until I saw "Evolution."

They should spend their money on something the audience can't get on all the other channels. Is a celebrity chat show the only thing people will watch at night? I think Skinamax would disagree.

You can't say that. Orlando Jones is a big name, a draw if you will. A little network like FX should be thrilled to have him.

I hear ya, but after an initial sampling of the show, people will go away and back to what they watch. Then after 20 episodes, the thing gets canned and FX throws a bunch of Buffy reruns on.

Well, what would you do, you misspelling, high-on-the-hog, run-of-the-mill blogger?

Well, they should repurpose (or re-show) "Good Day Live," the Fox syndicated daily boobs and "news" show. I'd put it at 11 or 12. It's a stupid show, but it's sooooooooo brainless that it'd be perfect for falling asleep, or watching alone. They also go from story to story to story, perfect for flipping and zoning. It's perfect fast-food TV.

Why not reshow "Texas Justice?" It's their crazy daytime court show. For the smart upper-crust FX viewer, they can see something wacky without anyone knowing about it. Late night is the ultimate personal viewing experience. The viewer's spouse is asleep and the kids are in bed. No one will know what they're watching.

I know FX is trying to smart up the joint, but late at night people want to watch something different. They're alone, tired, and up for some reason. The late-night viewer wants something unique, totally crazy, and fun. Well, maybe a little dirty too.

TRIO is going to rerun the old NBC Letterman shows at 10 p.m. If it was at 11:30 I'd watch those over the new CBS Letterman shows.

ABC, NBC, and CBS all have talk shows. The network shows are already established and have a lot more money and pull than FX ever will. No one is turning down Leno to do Orlando.

Monday, December 09, 2002

When are leg warmers coming back into style? It's important. Legs are freezing.

Monday, December 02, 2002

ABC Late Night ... As simple as ABC

Driving back from Santa Barbara yesterday, C-Horse turns to me and says, "I don't know who told me this theory -- it might've been you -- but I have to agree with it."

Well, it was me. Only two weeks earlier, we were at the White Horse Tavern and he asked me why ABC would launch a new late night show. I broke down my theory. For the record, here's my theory on why ABC is right in launching a new talk show now. Remember, ABC has lots of money and can stand losing some cash in the short term for a long-term place on late night.

About six months ago, when Letterman was renegotiating his contract with CBS, things weren't going well. All of a sudden someone leaked that ABC and the gap-toothed comic were in secret negotiations. Then CBS stopped treating Dave like Bryant Gumbel and gave him the money he wanted for a five-year contract. He then announced on his CBS late night show that he was going to end his career at CBS...

1. Since he announced it on "The Late Show," no one saw it.
2. He made it sound like he was being loyal to the Eye Net.
3. A more honest approach: "It's all about cash money, yo. Dolla bills, y'all."

The Aftermath
That left ABC standing there with their pants down. They showed the world their cards: they wanted Koppel out and a regular talk show in.
"Ted, why the long face?"

Ted Koppel freaked. People freaked! "How can you replace a news show with a talk show?"

1. F' Koppel. He's on the air twice a week, if that. What if Leno only hosted his show twice a week?
2. F' Koppel. He makes $5 million a year. Take the money and run, to CNN.
3. IT'S TV. The only responsibility they have is to get ratings. If "Nightline" is so sacred, then more people should watch it.
4. Why should ABC not make potential millions so you can feel better about owning a TV?

Then What Happened?

ABC signed Jimmy Kimmel to do a one-hour talk show at midnight after the all-of-a-sudden-important "Nightline."

The Theory (Finally!)

- By Putting Kimmel at midnight, they are establishing him as a late-night option.
- Koppel has a three-year contract. When that expires, ABC can give the strange-looking deadpan news guy a proper send-off and put in the already established Kimmel at 11:30. It'll be as if he inherited the spot.
- Now there's three white men talking to the same stars about the same movies.
- Letterman's contract is up two years after that.
- With him gone, CBS has to introduce yet another new white male talk show host, making him the dark horse. (Jon Stewart may finally get out of the gate.)
- Now you've made it a two-horse race, Leno or Kimmel, with "that new guy who sucks and isn't as good as Letterman was on CBS" bringing up the rear.

So if ABC is willing to put up with losing money upfront and Kimmel can take early criticisms at a "Conan O'Brien rate," then ABC can pull the talk show rug out from under NBC and CBS.

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Sure, die another day, but at least return my phone calls

For weeks, I heard from you always. I couldn't move without you there. Everywhere I turned you were there. Halle, Pierce, James, Q. You were on every talk show, in every magazine. I heard you tell me fondly how you grew up on Bond films. How you love the role.
How Bond women are really strong women, not just floozies that are picked up and dropped off before the next film.

Halle, you were on "Revealed with Jules (Ed) Asner." And I was there. Halle, you revealed everything about yourself. You joked about crying a lot at the Oscars. YOU WERE REVEALED!

Pierce, you talked of being a young lass rushing to see the latest Bond movie, all excited. I pictured you dressed all Angela's Ashes running through the woods with your mates all wearing those caps that you wear.
You said James Bond was the greatest thing growing up. You opened up to me. You finally knocked down that wall and talked, and it was real.

Then there were the specials. "Bond Women," "Making of Bond," Bond, Bond, bond sndkskfjsdfjfsldklss..

Then every magazine had you guys on the cover. Even talk of a spin-off. Yes, talks of a Jinx spin-off with Berry as a female James Bond. What an honor! (Did you know that the Fleming estate never approved of a spinoff before? This is special. You're special.)

Then...BOOM! After the opening weekend, you were nowhere to be found. Nothing; not an interview or a special.

YOU USED ME! YOU USED ME! After the opening weekend you were gone. Not a word. You got what you wanted and left. You got your precious #1 at the box office/biggest opening of a Bond film and turned from me.

I feel so dirty.

When the DVD comes out, will you call me? Or at least appear on Craig Kilborn?

Friday, November 22, 2002

Who needs children when you have Friends
A certain yenta got caught watching Thursday sitcoms

Will someone call child protection? Or the deadbeat dad police? This fictional Ross Geller guy is getting away with murder. I was watching the "Friends" tonight. It had to do with his new baby and what he and his fellow sinning friend were going to do with the baby. It was all wacky and sentimental, as you know "Friends" and life can be.
Then it hits me. This guy has another son, from his first marriage, and he hasn't seen the kid in maybe 2 or 3 seasons. What the hell?
What kind of visitation did he get? Only during sweeps? And what about his monkey? Are kids and pets sent away when ratings are low?
What also has to go is that "Good Morning Miami." It's so perky and stale. The first episode smelled of cancellation. In fact, the pilot said, "Only 12 more to go."

Why do they make these shows with phony, too-pretty people in jobs that are so over their heads they could never handle them and apartments that don't exist? Then 7 episodes later, the audience turns on it and they have to cancel the show.

Why do shows take place in a TV station if they have nothing to do with TV? "Larry Sanders" was all about TV. This Miami-Miami crud could take place anywhere. Why not put it in a flower shop or an oil-can refinery or a schmelting plant? How many shows do there need to be about a TV station? These writers obviously don't try at all to be original. "How did I think up the show? Well, I was at work and I needed a workplace right away and..."

The show is about a guy, who looks 36, who moves to Miami to run a TV station because there's a hot chick who works there and he's in love with her. Great, so every sweeps period the writers have to resist hooking them up. Gee. By the way, the woman playing his oversexed grandmother looks like she could play his mother or older sister.
Of course the Granny is some kind of flake/whore. Aren't all old people (on sitcoms)? She came out, delivered a few lines, and returned to the "Who's the Boss" where she came from.

The episode I saw, all the women had extra-long sleeves that they played with while they delivered their lines. This was their "activity."

The not-hot-chick-who's-actually-hot delivered some kooky lines and then went right back to the TV show "Becker" where she came from.

The too-hot-to-have, impossible-to-get-until-you-reach-100-episodes-or-a-threat-of-being-canned chick came out and delivered her lines and returned to every '80s comedy where she came from.

Last week's show was about the guy who runs the station being upset because he was turning 29. 29! What the fuck? I'd be upset too if I was nearing 30 and looked 40. The guy is way too old for that. I understand having older people play teenagers, but are there any child labor laws for people actually in their 20s? Why not have him be 37, like he is in real life?

I dated a woman who told me when I asked her how old she was that she "played 25-29." She was 38. She quickly put on really long sleeves and brushed up on her snappy one-liners.

Monday, November 18, 2002

LEAVING: The View co-host Lisa Ling announcing on-air Monday morning that she's exiting the morning chatfest to replace Boyd Matson on National Geographic Explorer.

I don't think it was her choice to give up network money for cable money. But good for her. Apparently when the ratings drop, you fire the young one. Don't fire the older women. Don't get rid of Star.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Turning a blind eye

When is it OK to be a misogynist and a homophobe? I was taught never. But in Hollywood it's OK, as long as you sell a shitload of CDs. Eminem put out two albums where he talks about killing his wife and how much he hates gays. Strangely he refuses to use the "N word." It's good to know that even haters have limits.

As soon as he got big, anti-defamation groups jumped up and down to quiet him. That only led to more local "news" reports and higher sales.

Hollywood saw a crossover star and a movie draw. People felt they had to embrace someone who writes about hate. The Grammys gave him awards. The Grammys, BTW, don't reward the best music of the year, just the best of the highest selling. Have you ever seen an unknown rock group or rapper get nominated? Last year, Elton John sang a duet with the rapper. Does it make OK what Em was saying? NO! It just shows what an Uncle Tom and sellout John is. Fuck that over-the-hill (as big as a hill) sellout.

Hollywood came calling. He's now in a movie (which is a watered-down "Krush Groove") directed by Curtis Hanson. Apparently "Wonder Boys" was such a flop that this once-renowned director got stuck making "Breakin' 3."

The Em single to promote the movie is as watered-down as the free mimosas at the Standard. He doesn't even shit on gays once. What a let-down. Instead, the song is inspirational, like "Eye of the Tiger," except harder to understand.

The movie itself was a two-hour slow-motion lead-up to a last scene and end credits. Jeez, that movie gave no insight into Detroit or rap. It wasn't even that funny. It kinda began, middled, and ended.

So if you're an aspiring hate rapper, just make sure it's catchy.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

Medium Yenta
Reviews of things to come

That new George Clooney movie looks like a big bomb. You can actually smell the gunpowder from the billboards.

Signs that it's a flop:

- The TV Ads start with "From Academy Award winners James Cameron and Steve Sodenbergstien." They're automatically trying to sell you on the movie based on the two guys who EP'ed the movie, not the movie itself. ("It must be good if those two guys are involved.") Who knows what happened? It might be a regret or a mistake. Those two guys might've lost a bet and in return had to endorse this movie.
I love that it said " Academy Award winners." Just to remind you. ("Oh, THATJames Cameron.") As if to tell you that these guys won Oscars, so this movie has to be good. Remember that Steve Martin was the executive producer of "The Downer Channel" and Robert DeNiro starred in "City by the Sea," plus he starred and "Presented" "Rocky and Bullwinkle."

-The Plot. The commercial has Clooney chasing this young, thin, super-hot girl around trying to get her to marry him. When she says no, he tells her he'll never stop asking. Aw, ain't stalking sweet.
Then, next thing you know, she's dead and she apparently did marry him. Huh? Then she comes back! Talk about a co-dependent. Then he tells his friend about his ex-sex and his friend warns him. Why does he warn him? We never find out. I say his friend is a jerk. He should be happy for George. If old cleft-chin wants to hook up, recycle, and rebound with his dead wife, then let him. It's not his place his to judge. I bet you this is the same friend that told Clooney not to leave "ER."

- It looks like you know what: Dare I say it. It looks like this year's "Vanilla Sky" the way it's shot and cut and lit. All it needs is for the dead wife to say, "J'open jour j'eyes."

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

I went off to teach a class in yenta-ering at a major university. I then wrote a book about the experience: "On Yentaing Film."

To a young class of Future Hollywood Types (FHT):

Yenta: "Jackass" the movie was #1 its opening weekend and the crowd goes wild. The movie cost a few million and made tons of cash back. Now what does that mean?

Student 1: Moviegoers don't mind crappy video?

Yenta: True, but more.

Student 2: People want to see stunts?

Yenta: NO!

Student 2: They want to see more Johnny Knoxville?

Yenta: Maybe. Not really... more...

Student 2: What! JUST TELL ME! Jeez...

Yenta: People want to see what they want to see. They don't need things watered down or Hollywoodized.

Student 2: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! I'm leaving! This is the last time I go to the Learning Annex.

Yenta: The MTV show "Jackass" was really popular and censured. Then the show was taken off the air, creating a demand for more. If the "Jackass" crew took a script and did a regular movie starring them with an occasional stunt, the opening weekend would've been big, but it would've dropped off fast. People would've been disappointed and the "Jackass" franchise would be done.

Student 3: Like The Jerky Boys. They had a big success with prank calling on records and instead of doing a documentary type film with them pranking people, they made a "movie" with a BS plot. The first weekend brought in $7 million and was the #1 movie in the country. The second week it died a horrible death and we never heard from them again.

Yenta: That's exactly right. Great job.

Student 2: Kiss ass! I'm outta here!

Student 3: The plot of the "Jerky Boys" was as hack as anything can be: a mob guy is chasing them. That's so hacky. Since when were those guys actors? They sucked. Does every movie need a love interest and a car chase? Can't a film just be entertainment in its purest form?

Yenta: Now you're just showing off.

Friday, October 25, 2002

ABC's 'Joe' brings up baby alone
Oct. 25, 2002 (Hollywood Reporter)

In the original concept, Touchstone TV's " Regular Joe" was to center on a soon-to-be empty nester (Daniel Stern) and his wife, who wind up raising their 18-year-old daughter's baby. When the pilot was picked up in July, network brass decided to recast the role of the wife, originally played by Lisa Ann Walter. After an extensive search for Mrs. Right, ABC's casting gurus came up empty-handed, so the producers decided to change the concept and make Stern a widower. (Nellie Andreeva)

What sense does that make? Is it really that hard to find someone to play his wife? Is he that good of an actor? The only TV success he’s had is doing voice-overs for "Wonder Years" and "Dilbert." He’s had two failed series -- one never made the air on UPN, and the other one was canned by CBS during the second commercial on the first episode. If anyone knows how it ended, let me know.

Lisa Ann Walter was so bad that she killed the character. They'd rather not have anyone than her. Was Ruth Buzzi not available?
I think they’re not hiring a wife because they know the show will be off the air really quickly and they want to save money on actors. They should light the show with office lamps and candles.

That’s what ABC needs, another show about a wacky father. Besides Ritter, Lopez, Belushi, and Wayans, they don’t have any.

"ABC: Our fathers love their kids, does yours?"

CBS's Morning show debuts with four hosts on Monday.
'Early' rises to challenge Oct. 25, 2002
NEW YORK -- Although it remains a distant third in the national morning show derby behind NBC's "Today" and ABC's "Good Morning America," CBS' "Early" is a money-maker for the network. But many news executives -- inside and out of CBS -- feel that the launch of the new format Monday could be the division's last chance to save the show before CBS brass decide to give up and hand the weekday 7-9 a.m. slot back to its O&O and affiliate stations. The stakes are huge. Even after being buried in third place for more than 20 years, the show is estimated to earn $20 million-$40 million a year, which helps finance much of the news department's activities. (Andrew Grossman)

If the show is making money, then who cares? The 7-9 slot will just become a graveyard of syndicated talk shows and Matlock re-runs. But the stations themselves will get the money.

Although I applaud them for trying something different in the morning, why would adding more hosts help? Craig Kilborn said: "That’s what a sinking ship needs, four anchors." (Did I just quote Kilborn? Call a doctor.)

But why 4 anchors? Why do shows, when they are dying, add more hosts? If the audience hates two hosts, they’re gonna hate four just as much.
Plus, there's more hosts, but are they any good? One great person who people want to see can replace 100 shitty guys.

Why are they copying a low-rated show like "The View?" The show barely gets a million viewers. Their days are numbered as well. What can they do to boost the ratings? They can fire another host. Or fire Debbie again? Like David Lee Roth. That helped them last time. The whole host search was a real ratings grabber. But after they found a host, the ratings fell.

You can’t say it’s because the audience just wants a stunt.
When "Live! With Regis" looked for a new host, the ratings spiked up. When Kelly Ripa joined, the ratings climbed even more.

Maybe "The View" should add more hosts. Lisa Ann Walter is available.
As of 10/25/02 at 3:30 pm, the term "Jump the Shark" has jumped the shark.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002


The almost unseen TRIO channel bought the old Dave Letterman show.
That show was groundbreaking. It makes Letterman's new show seem as boring as Charlie Rose on mute (or not on mute).
You can ask almost anyone working in TV or comedy today and they will tell you that "Late Night with David Letterman" influenced them.

For me, of course, it was "Thicke of the Night" and "Rick Dees." Whatever happened to Johnny B? Stephanie Miller?
They are all rerun on the Bad Idea Network (BIN).
Reruns of "Joe Franklin" can be seen on the Paint Drying Channel (PDC).

E! re-ran the Letterman show a few years ago. It didn't work. But I think people are now pining for the great show. And TRIO is seen in, like, 2 homes, so how much ratings can they need for a show to be a hit?

Nothing has come close to that show, except for maybe "Late World with Zack" on VH1. Maybe TRIO should buy "Zack" too. VH1 has to be selling it cheap. VH1 could have a garage sale with all their failed shows from this year alone. If channels were department stores, VH1 would be the Costco -- failed TV shows for wholesale prices.

HBO picks up a second season of the "Wire."
What can they do now? That show's ending was pretty conclusive. Shit ended.
Same with (my favorite show) "The Shield." For whatever reason, they tied up the major story lines from that show as well. Both shows ran like great mini-series. It's like "V," but with better hair.

But if Jason and Michael Myers can get killed in every movie and still come back, then the drugs dealers can still evade the cops for another season.

Maybe next season they can add more women on both cop shows. Why was the only woman on "The Wire" a lesbian? If you suck cock, does it make you a bad cop?

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Smoking Yenta. An actual letter from a Hollywood hot shot.


I've noticed a distinct lull in our brainstorming sessions for "UNTITLED MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER".

I have Stanley Tucci's people calling daily looking for a script. I've kept them at bay, but it's only a matter of time before we are looking for another balding character actor to play our scientist with a heart of gold and a controversial belief (for the science world) in Christian Creationism. This character has debunked the Big Bang Theory and maintains his beliefs in miracles and other non-scientific Judeo-Christian ideologies. We haven't seen that character before -- have we?  I know it has all of Hollywood's Most Balding salivating -- Tony Shalhoub says he'll do it for scale. Dan Hedaya said he'll do it for his agent's fee. Gandolfini has lost 128 pounds for the role. Ed Harris said he'll do it for free under a pseudonym!

Ancient civilizations!  Globe-threatening plagues!  Action!  Adventure!  Romance!

I think we do need a monster of some sort -- an ugly one, too. Maybe it's one of these ancient guys brought back to life and he's all scaly and oozing and stuff? Nah. Maybe too "Mummy", or worse, "Mummy Returns", or even worse, "Scorpion King". Maybe we just stay high-brow? Everyone has an English accent!

Helena Bonham Carter is the love interest. The clean Helena Bonham, not the Fight Club version 3.ho.  Room with a View/Lady Jane-Helena. She still has to do a nude scene, though. Okay, maybe not a full nude scene -- implied nudity, we still want our PG ... okay, one quick boob flash and maybe a tushy peek while swimming in a lake in long shot -- PG-13s still do good box office (you show me a PG-13 movie not filled with 10- to 12-year-olds!).

Also, just for the record, JOEL SCHUMACHER is not allowed anywhere near this film!  He isn’t even allowed to see it in the theater when it is done!  If I see Schumacher near it, talking about it or even thinking about it -- me and Tucci are walking!

Now that that’s out of the way -- we have a hit on our hands, gents!  It’s smart, it’s scary, it could really happen and it has heart. On a serious tip (don’t tell Tucci or we’ll lose him), but Tucci isn’t our lead. The focus is on the two researchers played by real-life paramours Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon (that young lady could read a cereal box for five hours and I would watch it twice and two more times with DVD commentary). Phillippe (less annoying than DiCaprio and married to Reese Witherspoon) is still stuck in his snotty Connecticut (no offense Bethel) Fairfield WASP Cruel Intentions thing (kind of like the “Hoo-Hah!” Pacino), but a good director could break him of that.

And that director is soup du jour and Pacino tamer Christopher Nolan. Let’s make it spooky and smart without all the Hollywood glitz and Bruce Willis of M. Knight Shammalammadingdong. Plus Shamma… would put freaky kids in it -- what’s up with that dude and kids? He must have had his ass kicked on the playground?

Helena Bonham Carter as Tucci’s former wife and colleague (they have to be on the same government grant), Tucci in a career-defining Best Supporting Actor role and Witherspoon and Phillippe as young lovers with hot minds and hard bodies -- HIT!

You throw in gruff character actors like William DeVane, Brian Dennehy and John Savage as the (mix and match) angry general, concerned president or country-wise local sheriff.  Not to mention female scene-stealers Allison Janney and/or Christine Baranski as the bitch-on-wheels First Lady or tree-hugging environmentalist.

It’s gold.

So, let’s get cracking for real on this idea before the studios tap into the chip they've implanted in my brain at birth and suck out all the super cool ideas with their diabolical brain straw -- hmm, not a bad idea for a film.

Hugs and such,

The Cute One

(Found and submitted by FM DeMarco)
We are down until the weekend. I had to reboot the system.

We are also closed due to the loss of Arli$$ and Providence. It was too much for one Yenta to take.

Until then, check me out at

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Friday, September 27, 2002
Things I'm tired of hearing about…
These subjects are OVER. DONE. Please, for the love of humanity, these subjects need to banished.

Things I'm tired of hearing about:

1. Jennifer Lopez’s ass. When referring to large-back-ended women, you can no longer say “Like J-Lo.” She's not the only one with a big back-end. Have you watched The Parkers? Plus her ass ain’t all that big. And enough about Puffy, Af-Flack, and her. I'm tired of hearing about her personal life. It's even in the local news. By the time you get to # 5, she'll be married to someone else.
2. Britney Spears. She's blonde, white white teeth, breasts that change size week to week, I get it. Enough. She doesn't need to be all over the place. Every poster, soda can, radio, movie, even the local news.
3. Destiny’s Child. See “Britney.”
4. The girl from American Idol. She's not fat. Obviously no one cares what she weighs, since she won the ultimate beauty contest. I hate hearing that now she's famous she needs to lose weight because of "the business." She's already a star. Her single is flying off the shelf. What more does she need? Obviously, no one cares... She doesn't weigh that much! The weight talk is Bullshit!
5. The Osbournes. Sure, it's a great show, but then what? It's been off the air for months. but there's more mentions and updates of the family since they went off the air than when their show aired.
6. Saying "Pardon my French". Whenever someone says, "Fuck," "Shit," "Motherfucker," or "This guy was such a jerk," they follow it with "Pardon my French." The French do a lot crappy things, but using American curse words isn't one of them. Just own it and blame the French for other stuff, like WWII.
7. Anna Nicole Smith Show. That show sucks. They just exploit her. You can feel that the Osbournes had love and caring about the subject even when they showed them in a silly light. But on E!, it feels like they want to make her look stupid so that they can shock the audience. The show is bad and mean; that's why the ratings are half of the premiere episode.

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Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Are you Kidding?

''Barbershop'' jokes anger civil rights activists. Despite apologies from the filmmakers and MGM over barbs about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, Jesse Jackson wants the offending lines cut from the video.

What Cedric said on the movie was a joke and it brought up a different point of view. Jackson is looking for attention. It's no coincidence that "Barbershop" is the #1 film in the country two weeks in a row and Jackson has to get in the papers over it. He's just looking for attention. Jesse, get off your Public Relations soap box and stay outta Tinsel Town -- and Hymietown for that matter.

I saw the movie with my mom and a packed audience. Everyone found what Cedric was saying funny. Some people reacted a little out of sorts, but they didn't cry or rush the screen. I thought the movie was funny; mom thought it was da bomb.

Jeez, I sound like an AM talk radio guy.
"This is The Media Yenta for Gold Bold medicated powder..."

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Monday, September 23, 2002
Ok, after a good night's sleep, I can see Friends winning best sitcom. I voted in this category and gave the eight-year-old sitcom a much lower vote than the other shows. Who knew? I voted, now I'm disappointed. I haven't felt this disillusioned since GWB won Florida.

The West Wing? That show wins every year. It's not any better than Sic[sic] Feet Under, 24 (which was inconsistent at best), or even Law & Older.

The NYC Times had an article on Sunday saying that the Emmys get too redundant and boring because the same people win every year. Why not go out of your way and recognize a new show that does new things? Certainly giving the award to Michael (not the) Commishlicks and the guy who writes Bernie Mac were highlights because it was new and different. It was good to see real good and interesting shows that took chances win.
Blessed Wing isn't new b/c it isn't new. Every year it beats HBO shows that deserve it more. The only difference is that it stole the award from 6' Under, not the Sopranos.
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Sunday, September 22, 2002
Friends? What the fuck? West Wing? Emmys are tired! I voted for best sitcom, and the opposite won!
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Saturday, September 21, 2002
Taking a stand, Any Stand

On E! News Barely, they showed Jack Osbourne on his way into a premiere. He told the producer, on camera, that he wasn't going to talk to the entertainment channel because they run the Anna Nicole Show.

What? They just copied MTV's idea of featuring a washed-up celebrity and reviving their career. It isn't like they copied his life or threw oranges at his home.

Take your $400 eyebrow ring home and relax.

Did Jack and MTV invent the reality show? No, of course not. Who did? Don't say Survivor. "Survi...nothing, I wasn't saying anything."

It's called a "documentary"! Documentaries have been around since way before TV networks started kidnapping people and making them live in the same house and eat worms. A reality show is just a documentary set to good music and with better-looking people.

Also, E! is not a news network, but a promotional network. They do "stories" that promote things, like bands, and reality TV shows. Why alienate them? It is important to take a stand (I still won't watch "Police Academy VIII" for political reasons). I just don't think it's such an important stand.

So they stole the idea that someone else thought of -- what's the big deal? It's not like E! underpays their staff, giving producers almost half of the going rate. Now that would be a tragedy.

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Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Spotting talent in the Mall
The movie "Frailty" comes out soon on video and DVD. It's really good and scary.
I saw it at the huge multiplex in Los Angeles' latest hip, huge mall. The theater was packed and we all gasped at the same times. Real good stuff.
The movie lets out and everyone, on cue, turns on their cell phones. The beeping of rejuvenated phones fill the air. Ahhh... Hollywood.

As I was waiting for Diana to come out of the theater, I overheard -- ok, easdropped on -- this guy in the phone.
"The movie was great. Very scary, " he Siskel & Eberted. "The direction was great. This director really knew what he was doing. He should work more. You should look into him."

The director that this guy "discovered?" Only Bill Paxton. (Not the guy from "Independence Day," the other one.)
Paxton ain't no spring chicken, he's Chet, for Chet's sake.
This guy on the phone made a discovery of a lifetime. He discovered a famous actor's directorial debut in a major release! What a lazy visionary.
"I just saw 'Road to Perdition' -- that Tom Hanks is great. That Paul Newman should work more, maybe do a western or a prison movie."

Isn't that how Tom Cruise was discovered? An agent walked out of Mission Impossible II (MI2 to those in the know) and said, "We gotta have him. I don't care what anyone says."

Saturday, September 14, 2002
Your life, new show

In honor of the soon-to-be-canceled "Hidden Hills," I have rented the "Current Ratings American Programmer 3000."
"Hidden Hills"' slogan is "Your life, only funnier."
Reader Kendoka wrote in, nay, challenged the Media Yenta saying that his (her) life couldn't be a sitcom. I ran down to my local "Bo Jinkin's Rental Palace" ("Rippin' off the poor since 1927") and got the "C.R.A.P. 3000." This machine can take vital info or popular trends and turn them into new TV shows. This machine has been used for years to "create" new shows.

Post or email me a little something about you (also male or female) and I'll put it in the TV-show-making machine and come out with a pitchable pitch. Don't think you can stump me; the "C.R.A.P. 3000" is up to the challenge. Please, only a couple of sentences. We don't need a lot of info to make a show. After 5 submissions, I'll put them in the machine and crank out some TV. I'll post the results.

Networks use "C.R.A.P. 5000," which is like the "C.R.A.P. 3000" but has more bells and whistles, including actual bells and whistles. The "C.R.A.P. 5000" explains why next year we have 5 new shows about specialized cops (mostly on CBS), two new medical dramas in the same time slot, at least two sitcoms about the behind-the-scenes at a morning show and one that takes place in a news station.

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Friday, September 13, 2002
First Casualty
The First Show to be cancelled

Prediction: First show to get cut
NBC's Hidden Hills. It just feels like a loser.

The Slogan is "Like your life, but funnier."
AKA: The slogan of desperation.
It feels like they had no other way to sell the show, so they went for the "relatability" factor.
Think "Family Circus", but less funny.

Like you'll get all excited! "WOO HOO! A show about my life! But funnier! I've been waiting years for this!"

The obligatory "kicked in the balls" gag.

The family is just like mine? Really? When did I get a well-lit house and hot younger wife and 3.5 children? When did I become the perfect Goy?

Am I promoting the show by putting pictures up from it? Am I helping the show succeed by putting it down? No. I could pick up 1,000 Nielsen families and duct-tape them to the couch and make them watch "Hidden Hills" "Clockwork Orange" style, and the show would still fail.
I give "Hidden Hills" two weeks before it's canned.
Look for a bonus "Frasier."
Maybe little Billy will write an episode.

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Wednesday, September 11, 2002
OK, Who's the Sick Fuck?
One accidental reader was looking for some sick shit.

If you go to the site meter you can see the (low) numbers of people who log in and where they came from.
A lot of times people find yenta haven because they're looking for something else. That's the case with this sicko. Here's the search:

This guy was looking for a video of people jumping from the World Trade Center last year. On the first anniversary of the worst day in American history, this guy wants to see the "Faces of Death" version.

I'm sorry that my site couldn't help you find the tapes of people jumping to their deaths because they didn't want to burn to death. But instead, can I offer you college girls who want to bare it all? Have fun.

Monday, September 09, 2002
The Heat Is On Again

Spotted: Ad at bus stop.
Show: CSI: Miami
Slogan: "Feel the Heat"
Problem: Two
First: That was the name of a song from 1985.
Request: Can we get something more recent? What about "It's Hot in Herre?"
Second: "The Heat is on" because the new show takes place in Miami. As the Kids say, "It's hot as balls all up in Miami."
Observation: The original CSI show takes place in Las Vegas, known for... well... heat.
Realization: Oh, the show takes place in Miami, like Miami Vice.
Still, I don't get it.

Other show taking place in Miami: "Good Morning, Miami."
Number of Glenn Frey songs: Zero
Slogan: "We'll be canceled in a week and replaced with a repeat of 'Will and Grace.'"

Sunday, September 08, 2002
And Viewers like who?

In a time long ago, before cable... growing up, PBS was a symbol of quality. They always aired great shows and news that the other stations wouldn't air. There was a pride and arrogance that went on with that network. People would get real snobby and say they never watch TV, ever, except for the Public Broadcasting Service. At the time, the government gave a substantial amount of money to the stations, allowing them to beg less.

Over the years the government has been cutting back on their spending on PBS. The stations beg more and show more commercials. Even the snobbiest show of them all, "Master Beast Theater", has added the name of an oil company to their name.
The question now, in the age of cable and such: Do we need PBS?
Can't we get British mysteries, documentaries on WWII, and children's shows on cable?

What part of PBS serves the Public? Could the US of A get by in our post-September 11th world without the broadcaster? Was there outcry in the Heartland for "Yan Can Cook"? Will we get along in this country without "This Old House"?

The idea that we "need" to support this style of programming floors me.
"It's commercial-free and I don't want my kids exposed to so many ads."
Not true -- before the show starts, they present the "underwriters," who usually sell kids' clothes or toys. Plus the shows are cut into segments, training kids to be used to commercial interruptions. Also, if you want your kids not to see commercials, turn off the TV.

As a taxpayer: Keep it. It creates jobs and gives another voice out there. Taxes are spent on more useless things than TV.
As a TV Producer: Keep it. The more jobs out there, the better.
As a viewer: Who cares?

(use the tag board to comment)

A Late Happy New Year

To all my Jewish readers. I am Jewish (see my photo), but I'm a little rusty. Someone asked me what year this was; I couldn't tell them. "Year of the Rabbit?"

Sunday, September 01, 2002
Take your prize... please

Recently, my brother wrote about puzzles and Will Shortz doing his weekly radio game on NPR's Weekend Edition.

I just want to say one thing that's always bothered me about his puzzle segment -- well, two things. I've been listening to him do the game on the show for maybe five or six years now. I even remember his first time on the air. He sounded uncomfortable, monotone, and lifeless. I figured it was first-time jitters. HE STILL SOUNDS THAT WAY!

Well, that's fine. But what's really crazy is the prize hasn't changed, either. Since the inception the prize has been a "Weekend Edition" lapel pin.You heard me right. Not a t-shirt or a bag. A cheap-ass lapel pin. To win this thing, you have to figure out the game from the week before, send in a postcard to the show, get picked, then play on the air. All this for a tin pin. I know it's public radio, but at least throw in a napkin from the cafeteria or a coaster or something.
This "prize" is more useless than a Cable Ace Award or the website award that TVBarn begs you to vote for them for. (That last sentence was shameful. Sorry, grammar fans.)

When someone wins, I wait for this exchange:
"We are sending you a Weekend Edition Lapel pin."
I thought I won.
"You did."
What do I get if I lose? Do you take my liver?

When can you wear this thing? At a wedding? An awards show? A job interview? This prize is more useless than one of those spoons you get at a gift shop.

So the next time you waffle about giving money to NPR, just ask them to figure out a riddle, put it on a card and hope to be picked.

Friday, October 18, 2002

Media Y. doesn't judge. Just put the Idol down

To Fox,

Slow down with the "American Idol" stuff. You're reaching too far into the stash. Captain Jack will get you high (ratings) tonight, but not at the risk of your schedule. Have you seen what you've done? In a drunken-from-success binge, you've cut back on the number of episodes of three of your sitcoms. Scaling back "Grounded for Life," "Andy Richter Should've Stayed," or "The Grubs" is only a temporary fix to make room for instant satisfaction.

After the great reality shows fade out a little, you'll still need something to keep viewers coming back. There'll be nothing there. Reality shows are great, don't get me wrong, but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater in the bush with two birds of a prey that flock together.

Save the episodes of the sitcoms for new summer airings, or to fill that huge gap you're gonna have on Friday after you can those two shows.

Have you not learned anything from "Millionaire?"

ABC was wacked out on the stuff and dropped 3-4 hours of programming to fit in that quick fix. Now look at them. They got no shows. Do you want to be stealing shows from USA basic cable or be forced to pick up "George Lopez"?

Who wants to be a "Millionaire?" Not me, Reeg.

Did you notice
The shows FOX did cut back on weren't doing that well in the ratings. They ain't dropping "Bernie Mac" or "Malcolm."

Be Honest
How bad was that intervention thing? I'm trying to spice things up here! Give me a break. Look at what time I'm posting!

Thursday, October 17, 2002
Must Watch

Boomtown on NBC, Sundays at ten, after the Sopranos.
It's a really cool show. It has the same feel of "Run, Lola, Run." The stories are seen from different points of view: the cop, the victim, the criminal, the guy on the street passing by, etc. They really pull it off. This show is worth checking out.

It's what I was saying before, different and good. The style moves the story along. It services the story.
For me to say something positive, it must be good.

You can watch Larry David piss people off in repeats every night of the week. Maybe NBC should double pump the show. News reports say that NBC is interested in buying Bravo, partly because they can double-run their shows. This show would fit in perfectly.

The ratings are dropping, so catch it before it gets canned and replaced with"Law and Order: The New Class" starring Screech.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

A comedian friend of mine told me a variation on the joke about Florida's weather.
If you don't like an executive at VH1, just wait a minute.

Apparently, VH0's ratings are at an all-time low. In fact, it's zero. After launching and then quickly canceling the "New Face of VH0," it's back to the basic-cable drawing board.

Right now, the cabler is showing programming from other stations. "MTV Diary" and MTV news specials, TV Land sitcoms like "Happy Days", and "Movies that Rock" with no rock, like "Bull Durham."
Snide response: Looks like Fonzie isn't the only one that jumped a shark.

It's filler until they launch another new face. This station has more faces than (insert name of actress over 40 or Jackson here). They had a funny show, "Late World with Zack." They canned the show after a few weeks. Either keep the strange and funny show on longer, or don't put it on at all.

The age-old question: Why not videos?

Viewers always complain that there's never enough videos and they should show more videos. VH0 and MTV keep saying that that's not true and people only say that, but the low #s don't reflect that.

So what? Lower than a showing of "House Party 2."
Tonight is the "VH0 Fashion Awards." So what? Who cares? Four queens in Bed-Stuy. This is more select than the Tonys.
Of course they still have their one ratings-getter, "Behind the Music". VH0 can be on their own show, "One-Hit Wonders".

Friday, October 11, 2002
Self-Serving Causes

Jerry Seinfeld complaining on Jay Leno about how he’s sick of reality shows. You know, the ones that are cheaper to make and have actual tension and drama.

“Don’t you agree, people?” the comic asks.

On cue, the audience applauds.

Leno agrees with him.

Then they show a clip of Seinfeld’s new documentary on Leno’s talk show.

(Get it? A reality show is nothing more than a documentary with hot people and better music. The big complaint is that it takes money away from actors and writers. Doesn’t Seinfeld’s new documentary do that also?)

Actors and writers hate reality shows because it takes jobs and residuals from them. I say it’s competition. If you made better scripted shows, people would watch them. Bad shows, scripted and reality, get canceled when people think the show is crap and don’t want to watch it.

The first two shows canned from the new season were dramas. Stupid ones at that. One was about a guy who can go back to his high school in the '80s and he’s from the present. Yeah, big deal, so what? After the first episode, when he makes out with the hot chick, punches the bully, and tells his guidance counselor she was wrong, then what? For those of you who like the plot, go to the WB. They have a sitcom version of the same plot.

This is what I’m talking about. There are multiple shows starting this year with the same plot. Why not do something different, like make a good show? Watch the "sitcoms by the numbers" on CBS’ Monday night. Every show has a blue-collar guy, pushy in-laws, and the tolerant wife who loves him. (I stole that from somewhere, I think EW.)

Different is good; a good show is better.

One show that was different, but crappy, was also shit-canned today. The other show was Push, Nevada.
If you matched up the clues you could win a million dollars.
A show so bad that it had to bribe people to watch it. Now that the show is ending soon, by law, ABC has to jam in the clues and give away a million in prize money. That’s on top of the money they lost on the show.

My guess is that they bought the show because Ben Af-flack was attached to it. Just because there’s a celeb that will back a show doesn’t mean people will watch it.

“I’ve been watching Push, Nevada for 14 years. I hate the show, but Ben Af-flack is the EP and I love his ‘Changin' Lanes.'”

Sunday, October 06, 2002
Armchair Programmer

Give Fear Factor a rest. This season opener rated lower than last year. Meaning people are a little tired of that same old shit. (ratings come out today for last night. Let's see if I eat my words.)
Put on Dog Almost Drown Dog or Meet the Parents. Then bring the Fear show back for November sweeps. In Sweeps, replace an ailing show or two sitcoms that air on a Tuesday night and one that's called Inlaws.

You should move CSI from 9 p.m. after Survivor to 10 p.m. and put Without a Trace or Robbery Homicide Division on at 9 p.m.
Let's face it, er is getting old. Why not go head to head with it with some real power? Like when CBS put its reality show against Friends. It threw NBC for a loop. For a minute, at least.

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Uncredited quote of the day:
"There are no easy paths to success in show biz. Scientology is pretty damn close."

Saturday, October 05, 2002
Movie: "Igby Goes Down"
Good?: Yes, very
Ryan Phillippe: Also good
But why does he ALWAYS do that phoney-baloney, snooty, Connecticut rich boy, 1985 rich kid's asshole friend accent in every role?
It was campy and over the top in "Cruel Intentions," After that you thought he'd try something different, like a real accent. It's like Keanu Reeves in "Bill and Ted."
After the movie the other guy, Alex Winter, talked normally and even directed a couple of funny movies. So you realize that it was just an acting choice. But Key-an-hoo! Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, that was just him.

Maybe Ryan should worry more about his acting and less about how much more money his wife makes.

Even the name of that film was over the top. "Look out! These rich kids don't have nice intentions, good-hearted intentions, or even well intentions. It's CRUEL INTENTIONS!!

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Friday, October 04, 2002
Excuse: Wedding
Wedding: Texas
Flight: American Airlines
Class: Low (coach)
Saw on plane: Joey Lauren Adams
Class: Also in coach
Question: Why was a movie star in coach?
Yes: Were people asking her who she was?
First class: thousands
Coach: hundreds
Chasing Amy: her last film

No: Did that screechy voice disrupt the captain?
Realization: Maybe that's why she was in coach...
She's not allowed to talk within 15 feet of the driver

Also seen: generic Alternative Comedian
Seen: at Starbucks
Sell out: I don't want to hear any more of your whiny bits about how only drones and Yuppies Drink Corporate coffee.

Question: If I have a (310) cell phone, but I live in the (323), does that make me a yuppie?

Monday, August 19, 2002

Monday, August 19, 2002
No Comment, Print That

You can count on it. If an actor has a movie coming out, he/she will do 1,000 interviews and pretty much say the same thing each time. Not today. Not this next big thing.

Some actors talk a lot and have nothing to say. One actor just won't say anything.

For whatever reason, Vin Diesel refuses to talk about his past. He won’t say where he’s from or even what race he is. He says it’s because it ruins the reality when fans watch his movies. He’s afraid they’ll just think it’s him or something. The guy is 7 feet tall, bald, full of muscles, and has a crazy deep voice, who else can he be? No matter what he is playing, you think it’s him the whole time. He’s no Sean Penn in "Carlito’s Way".

I’m being cynical again. I’ll stop. He was great as the tough Italian who didn’t take any shit in “Saving Private Ryan,” and as the tough car thief who didn’t take any shit in “The Fast and the Furious,” and … you get the idea.

But now that he’s a big star (and he should be), he won’t talk about his past. When the interviewer asked him about his bio (that Diesel’s publicist gave to him), the D-man got mad and refused to respond. He even got offended about the most inane personal questions. Toots, where do you think you are? You’re in an interview. That’s what you do, you interview. Many articles were written about how he wouldn’t say anything.

Here’s what I would’ve said if I were the interviewer. “Babe, here’s how the game works. You give me something to fill the pages of my weekly rag, and I’ll give your film free publicity and your acting career credibility. Now work with me!” (File that last paragraph under “Yeah right!”).

One thing he won’t talk about is his race. He won’t respond to comments that he’s half Italian and half Black. I guess it’s because he wants everyone to assume he’s his/her race. That’s fine. I know what race he is, he’s Who-gives-a-fuck-ish.

Saturday, August 03, 2002

Saturday, August 03, 2002
Say the Write Thing

Oh, I get a lot of hits! I don't want to brag, but maybe 10 or 11 a day... OK, that sucks. But I'm very happy writing for Potch, Rob, Susie, my bro, and the other person, who I don't know. I do get a lot of hits from people doing searches for other things. They find my site, stare at it, and realize that this ain't really the Nicole Kidman naked site. One person found my site searching for "Ruth Buzzy" (sic). Who knew she was so popular?

I figure, while I'm gone, I should list most popular keywords. When I get home home from teaching my two-week course in Ireland at the "Institute for Media Research and Yentaing it up" on the Pros and Cons of Cons Gone Pro, I can see really high hits on my site and feel good about myself.

Go to the bottom of the page and click on the site meter, then go to referrals; there you can see what people were looking for when they came to this site.

Remember, Rob, Potch, Susie, and the other guy, these subjects might never really appear on this blog. These are randomly selected popular key phrases selected by the firm of "We Count Everything":

Ozzy naked pictures truth gossip
free pix Tom Cruise divorce papers big pussy
little pussy pussy barely legal movies free money
jobs entertainment jobs aint-it-cool-news girls girls
girls are pretty hot young Freud secret naked celebrities
brad pitt jamie pressly that other hot chick from the show with
the thing Jesus discount flights free shit shit fuck fuck fuck Rhubarb
summer camp lose weight find weight easy austin powers Arte Johnson Artie
Lang Howard Stern Man Cow the best Rock in the US Tom Lycus truth behind being rich
and famous very easily, without much help at all Jimmy Fallon new hair the truth behind Burt and Ernie.