Monday, May 19, 2003

Why doesn't HBO show Porn?

I guess years ago, HBO decided to cut off from the other pay networks and try to have class. And class they got. Sopranos helped that. But most pay cable has dirty late night programming. Yummy yum. I pay and extra $30 a month, I want some late night porn! I don't think that's much to ask for. I don't rent hard core or anything like that from the video store, because I don't want people to know what I'm watching.

Don't think for a minute that the video clerk isn't watching. I had a friend in high school that told me of al old couple that rented porn every Friday. I wan t be a subject of some guy's cocktail party story. " The Media Yenta came to the shop again today for some porn."

Nope, I'd rather get 3rd rate soft-core porn from a pay cable channel. Good thing Julie Strain is hot. I never knew Eric Roberts did some many roles between "Star 80 " and "Almost Perfect."

But HBO is above the old biker movie or drifter becomes houseboy and pet to all that needs it. They are an art house in a town of porno shops. Like the best of the art house, HBO needs to hide their dirty ways; under the cloak of "documentary." they have the real sex show, where middle age deviants go on camera to talk about their craziness. This show has been on so long that I went from hoping I don't catch my parents on the show, to hoping I don't catch myself on the show.

Now HBO is doing a 13 thousand part series on pornography. Who cares? What do I need to know that I already don't? Women and men with parent issues and drug habits have sex in front of a video camera, and I buy it whenever I'm out of town and wearing a fake beard.

Why can't HBO admit that they are showing porn and show porn? Stop pussy footing around and show some guts...and pussy.
Tonight ABC aired a three hour retrospective of their 50 years of being on the air. The show was 3 hours so they could fit all the great sucesses they had over the years and
because they didn't have any other Monday night programming.

Booth Babes and Video Games

While the networks roll out their fall line-ups this week, another industry (one that probably makes more
money than the TV industry) also unveils new shit. The videogame world's big convention, Electronic
Entertainment Expo (E3), wrapped up Friday in the Los Angeles Convention Center, with all the major playas
playing. Nintendo stressed games that utilized Gamecube/Gameboy Advance connectivity, like
four-player Pac-Man (Why? Because the Gameboy Advance costs $100 and the cable is $10). Sony unveiled new hardware, like an updated online-ready PlayStation2 and next Xmas' Gameboy-killer, the PlayStation
Portable. As for Xbox, well, um ... Microsoft lowered its price twenty bucks. Make sure to read all the
nerdy details here.

In related news, E Online announced Nic Cage will star in the movie version of the guilty-pleasure videogame Dead to Rights. He's a cop whose cop pop got popped by corrupt city officials, and it's his mission to avenge his dead dad. How does he avenge the loss of life? By shooting everyone in the room. That crass hypocrisy makes perfect Hollywood fodder. Here's to the start of another fucking franchise.

- Media Yenta's Brother, aka "Friend to the Star of 'The Ortegas'"

Friday, May 16, 2003

Lists of shows stolen from CYNTHIA TURNER'S CYNOPSIS at

Here's another place where a HUGE Company needs to get on the ball and cross promote. BET, MTV, Comedy Central, and the little seen VH1. They should introduce the actors, stars, and stories of the new season.

Monday: The Parkers, THE OPPOSITE SEX, Girlfriends, Half and Half

Finally, a good idea for Tuesday. More comedy. They came promote from Monday for Tuesday. Smart. Now all UPN needs are three sitcoms that'll work after One on One. One by one the other three will drop out.

Wednesday: Enterprise, JAKE 2.0
Sure, why not. A sci-fi show to follow Star Trekk. It NEVER worked before, why not do it again? UPN needs some reality shows. Maybe hey can get CBS's left overs.

Thursday: WWE Smackdown

Days are numbered. Still, enjoy while it lasts. Two more years, tops. By then Friends will be long gone and Survivor will be soooooo tired.

Friday: UPN Movie
A band-aid. Again, something that hasn't worked for years, why not do it again. It's always smarter than introducing those horrible shows that they had on before.

Here is FOX's confirmed Fall schedule 2003
Monday: Joe Millionaire (WONDERFALLS in January), SKIN

Monday - Lost. Joe was here, and now it's overdone after one season.

Who wants to see this show? 9 years old and grandparents. A different audience than the crazy 24.

Wednesday: That 70's Show, A MINUTE WITH STAN HOOPER, Bernie Mac, Cedric the Entertainer
Fine, fine, fine.

It seems like they can put whatever they want here and it'll be gone within a week or so. They might as well write; Thursday: THUSYES DJEL, OSKUEHSG

Friday: Wanda at Large, LUIS, Boston Public
Wanda, it was nice knowing ya. Then again, it might just work. Let's hope so. Friday, I can't say anything snide! DAMN YOU FOX!

Saturday: Cops, Cops, America's Most Wanted
Sunday: Oliver Beene, King/Hill, The Simpsons, THE ORTEGAS, Malcolm in the Middle, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The Ortegas star is a friend of my brothers. Great guy. For that reason, the show will be a big hit and will change the world. My pick of the season, out of all the shows on Network today.
Question: What already established FOX sitcom will replace ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT when it's cancelled after a month?

Thursday, May 15, 2003

"Bruce Almighty." I can't wait to see the remake of "Zapped" starring Scott Bao.
Here's CBS's Fall Line up and my two cents.
Again, The list was directly taken from Mark Berman's column on

8:00 p.m. Yes, Dear (new time period)
8:30 p.m. Still Standing (new time period)
9:00 p.m. Everybody Loves Raymond
9:30 p.m. TWO AND A HALF MEN
10:00 p.m. CSI: Miami

In a move that can only make NBC happy, CBS moved it's hit show out of the 8 pm spot and is now using a show that shouldn't of made it past the first season for it's tent pole. That means more viewers for Fear Factor on NBC. ABC should rethink their plan to give on Mondays with their news show. ABC will have enough holes that will need a news show band-aid, that they shouldn't start now. Maybe ABC can put a couple of sitcoms for people flock to once they realize that Yes, Dear is bad. After the closeted comedy, Still Standing, another show that people only watch because they are too tired to grab the clicker after Raymond. Maybe this season, Mark Addy can drop the bullshit American accent and use his real voice. He sounds like an angry Fred Flintstone with Harvey Firestien voice.

8:00 p.m. NCIS
9:00 p.m. The Guardian
10:00 p.m. Judging Amy

NCIS is yet another CSI show. Maybe no one will notice it's not CSI and watch it every week. I wonder if they use they came sets for all the CBS crime dramas? Maybe all the cops from CBS can get together and find Bin Laden.


8:00 p.m. 60 Minutes II
9:00 p.m. The King of Queens (new day and time)
9:30 p.m. THE STONES

Well, I hope they cancel King of Queens, they'll still play it on the plane. They should've put King and the Stones on at 8 pm and the adult 60 minutes II at 9. The 60 minutes audience is not watching the Bachelor or West Wing. Who is watching the West Wing?

F the Stones. It will die quickly and Becker will be call out of retirement to keep the spot warm for the next replacement. Anyway, Robert Kline yelled at me when I was a teenager. So f him!


8:00 p.m. Survivor
9:00 p.m. CSI
10:00 p.m. Without a Trace

They should flip CSI and Without a Trace. No one really cares about Will and Grace and ER is fading. It would be a great aggressive move to put the two mega dramas head to head.

9:00 p.m. Jag (new day and time)
10:00 p.m. THE HANDLER

JOAN OF ARCADIA will be moved to Sundays at 8 when the new cop show on Sunday is canned. Touched by an Angel did really well at 8 PM on Sunday. It's obvious. Anyway, let Friday be for cops and robbers.

The Handler should be moved to a place where people will see it. Now that NBC moved L&O:SUV to Tuesdays and put on the watered down version of Boomtown, CBS has a chance to steal that spot. Remember when Nash Bridges and Homicide went up against each other? The dumbed down Nash beat the smart Homicide.


8:00 p.m. 48 Hours Investigates
9:00 p.m. Hack (new day)
10:00 p.m. The District (new time)

Who cares? They should use Saturday to replay one of their shows.


7:00 p.m. 60 Minutes
8:00 p.m. COLD CASE
9:00 p.m. CBS Sunday Movie

Put Cold Case on Friday and Joan on Sunday. That's all. The movie is a good idea.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

The Fall Season: The Arm Chair Programmer
lists of line ups stolen from

ABC and WB
Over all ABC needs to take advantage of their cable channels and parent company Disney to get people comfortable and familiar with the new shows. They have a chance to end the summer with everyone knowing the shows and the actors before the shows even start. Abc Family, disney channel, US mag, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Radio Disney, etc. are all great ways to get the word out on new shows.

Here’s my two cents about ABC’s line up:

8:00 p.m. Primetime Monday
9:00 p.m. Monday Night Football (through January)

Fine. I guess they gave up. They can’t find a Monday show at 8PM. What about bringing

8:00 p.m. 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter
8:30 p.m. I'M WITH HER
9:00 p.m. According to Jim
9:30 p.m. Less Than Perfect
10:00 p.m. NYPD Blue

I'M WITH HER is about a regular guy who starts a relationship with a popular actress. That sounds like a great one time movie, but not a series. How can you keep up the premise every week? Will they get together tonight? Yes………….maybe. You’ll have to wait until next week.
Jeez, can this go on for 5 years? “Tonight they go to a regular restaurant, but she’s flogged with people for autographs! Get it? How can they deal? It’s Crazy!”
Here’s the end to every episode:
Regular Guy: “I know, but it’s just that you’re famous and I’m a regular guy.”
Famous Woman: “I know, but I don’t care that you’re not famous like me. Let’s just be ok, ok?”
Regular Guy: “You’re right”
They hug.
And the actress playing her doesn’t feel like a movie star. It just feels false. I know it’s based on Brooke Shields and her regular Joe Husband, who’s just a very successful sitcom writer who created this show among others, why not put her in the lead! Brooke is available. I might even watch it then.

I say the lasts 3 or 4 weeks. Don’t buy that house just yet.
Let’s just rent Knotting Hill and Call it a day.


8:00 p.m. My Wife and Kids
9:00 p.m. The Bachelor
10:00 p.m. KAREN SISCO

IT’S ALL RELATIVE: It’s basically the “Bird Cage.” Who knows. It should be a happier show if it’s going to be on the ABC fun block of TV. Parents might not let their kids watch a show with a happy stable gay family. And this whole lovable louse hasn’t worked since it was invented on “All in the Family.” I don’t buy it. Hopefully it’ll do well.

KAREN SISCO – Looks cool. ABC needs to do a lot of promotion. Get people more familiar with the character and the actress. They need to run “Out of Sight” (the movie it’s based on) this summer. Get the actress on shows, including Spanish speaking talk shows and magazines. Maybe spread a rumor or two. Otherwise it’ll get lost behind LAW & ORDER(ER). Maybe show the pilot on Sunday night. Here’s a place where a movie theater trailer for the show in the theaters could help.


9:00 p.m. Extreme Makeover (new day and time)
10:00 p.m. Primetime Thursday

No one cares. Maybe move THREAT MATRIX to Saturday at 10 PM when LA Dragnet gets cancelled. They need to but Monk from USA and produce it real cheaply and take a little loss instead of getting clobbered. This is Friends last year, so maybe a chance to start a real show at 8 PM. Monk can be done cheaply. Gets people used to having a show there.

ABC said Thursday at 9 is their reality wheel. A trash barge. Again, cheap burn offs, and maybe a break out hit.


8:00 p.m. George Lopez (new day and time)
8:30 p.m. BACK TO KANSAS
9:00 p.m. HOPE & FAITH
9:30 p.m. Life With Bonnie
10:00 p.m. 20/20

Finally, TGIF is back. It made no sense to fuck with something that works. Lopez, great idea. A perfect family show that everyone can enjoy. BACK TO KANSAS? F that. That thing will get shit canned faster than you can say “Inside Schwartz.” They need another family sitcom or a show that kids will flock to, like "perfect Strangers" or Family Matters." KANSAS and the rest of the night feels too adult. They should clone Lopez three more times.

8:00 p.m. The Wonderful World of Disney
10:00 p.m. L.A. Dragnet (new day)

They are adding hot young people to Dragnet, pushing the old guy in the mentor position. He’ll dole out the work to the hotties and we get to watch! As long as they stick to the cool Dragnet format where they interview wacky characters and gather info w/o the over the top NYPD Blue style interrogation scenes, I’ll be happy with it. No one is watching on Saturday, so who cares. It seems like a good Saturday night option.


7:00 p.m. America's Funniest Home Videos (new day and time)
8:00 p.m. 10-8
9:00 p.m. Alias
10:00 p.m. The Practice (back to its old time period)

Great. Great. Great. Great. Just be patient with 10-8 and not change it 100 times in the first two weeks and people will stay with it.


The WB. Looks fine. I got to gets to work so here it is. I’m out!
8:00 p.m. 7th Heaven
9:00 p.m. Everwood


8:00 p.m. Gilmore Girls
9:00 p.m. FEARLESS

FEARLESS – Goner. Noo one is buying this show! A young hot CSI? Who cares?


8:00 p.m. Smallville (new day and time)
9:00 p.m. Angel



8:30 p.m. Jamie Kennedy Experiment (new time)
9:00 p.m. What I Like About You (new day and time)
9:30 p.m. RUN OF THE HOUSE

Again Steve Harvey could be a bit hit. Move the whole line up to Friday and replace the 9 o’clock show with Reba.

8:00 p.m. Reba (new time)
8:30 p.m. LIKE FAMILY
9:00 p.m. Grounded For Life (new time)

Don’t get used to these people.

7:00 p.m. Smallville: Beginnings (repeat)
8:00 p.m. Charmed

When they shit can T & J they should move Charmed to 9 and Steve Harvey to 8.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

how did "Daddy daycare" cost $60 million?
it should be $10 tops.
I love "The Shield." The first season was so great. The second season was no slouch either. I even liked when the bad guy cop showed up for no reason. I could've gone without the out of place flash back episode "where it all began." No one cares.

I bought the DVD's of the first season, even though I have press copies of the DVD's. my press copies don't have commentary from the actors, writers and producers. I'm like a pig in shit. Or a geek in shit.

By the forth episode of people padding each other on the back for doing something as routine as a TV show. I know it's not easy, but it ain't noble peace prize time either. When Apartheid fell, I bet Mandela didn't pat himself on the back as much as the mooks that worked on "The Shield."

Jeez, I like a good cop show and I like to masturbate, but I didn’t know you can do them both all on the same DVD.

At one point they congratulate themselves on how great the extras are. "These migrant workers look like migrant workers," says the happy with himself creator/executive producer. "They are migrant workers," responds another voice, "You can find them at 'Home Depot.'"

The creator also talked of how great the day players are. He compares it to "Hill Street Blues" where the small players and mostly now famous. Michael "I took a great part that made people forget that I was the Comish and now I think that I'm God's gift to acting," Chickless, pats himself on his back for someone that was on the "Comish" and now has moved on. No one seems to have heard of her. He repeats his story on another episode with new people and they don't know who he's talking about either.

The original director's commentary? The 1980's movie "Du-Beat eo." It was so low buget, the director sills in plot holes and behind the scenes stuff. At the end of the film, a screening room with the director and some friends is reveled. Very cool. Very cool.

The new "The Wire" looks so good. I can't wait for a new season and a new case. Commentate that!