Deadline

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Smoking Yenta. An actual letter from a Hollywood hot shot.

Gentlemen,

I've noticed a distinct lull in our brainstorming sessions for "UNTITLED MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER".

I have Stanley Tucci's people calling daily looking for a script. I've kept them at bay, but it's only a matter of time before we are looking for another balding character actor to play our scientist with a heart of gold and a controversial belief (for the science world) in Christian Creationism. This character has debunked the Big Bang Theory and maintains his beliefs in miracles and other non-scientific Judeo-Christian ideologies. We haven't seen that character before -- have we?  I know it has all of Hollywood's Most Balding salivating -- Tony Shalhoub says he'll do it for scale. Dan Hedaya said he'll do it for his agent's fee. Gandolfini has lost 128 pounds for the role. Ed Harris said he'll do it for free under a pseudonym!

Ancient civilizations!  Globe-threatening plagues!  Action!  Adventure!  Romance!

I think we do need a monster of some sort -- an ugly one, too. Maybe it's one of these ancient guys brought back to life and he's all scaly and oozing and stuff? Nah. Maybe too "Mummy", or worse, "Mummy Returns", or even worse, "Scorpion King". Maybe we just stay high-brow? Everyone has an English accent!

Helena Bonham Carter is the love interest. The clean Helena Bonham, not the Fight Club version 3.ho.  Room with a View/Lady Jane-Helena. She still has to do a nude scene, though. Okay, maybe not a full nude scene -- implied nudity, we still want our PG ... okay, one quick boob flash and maybe a tushy peek while swimming in a lake in long shot -- PG-13s still do good box office (you show me a PG-13 movie not filled with 10- to 12-year-olds!).

Also, just for the record, JOEL SCHUMACHER is not allowed anywhere near this film!  He isn’t even allowed to see it in the theater when it is done!  If I see Schumacher near it, talking about it or even thinking about it -- me and Tucci are walking!

Now that that’s out of the way -- we have a hit on our hands, gents!  It’s smart, it’s scary, it could really happen and it has heart. On a serious tip (don’t tell Tucci or we’ll lose him), but Tucci isn’t our lead. The focus is on the two researchers played by real-life paramours Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon (that young lady could read a cereal box for five hours and I would watch it twice and two more times with DVD commentary). Phillippe (less annoying than DiCaprio and married to Reese Witherspoon) is still stuck in his snotty Connecticut (no offense Bethel) Fairfield WASP Cruel Intentions thing (kind of like the “Hoo-Hah!” Pacino), but a good director could break him of that.

And that director is soup du jour and Pacino tamer Christopher Nolan. Let’s make it spooky and smart without all the Hollywood glitz and Bruce Willis of M. Knight Shammalammadingdong. Plus Shamma… would put freaky kids in it -- what’s up with that dude and kids? He must have had his ass kicked on the playground?

Helena Bonham Carter as Tucci’s former wife and colleague (they have to be on the same government grant), Tucci in a career-defining Best Supporting Actor role and Witherspoon and Phillippe as young lovers with hot minds and hard bodies -- HIT!

You throw in gruff character actors like William DeVane, Brian Dennehy and John Savage as the (mix and match) angry general, concerned president or country-wise local sheriff.  Not to mention female scene-stealers Allison Janney and/or Christine Baranski as the bitch-on-wheels First Lady or tree-hugging environmentalist.

It’s gold.

So, let’s get cracking for real on this idea before the studios tap into the chip they've implanted in my brain at birth and suck out all the super cool ideas with their diabolical brain straw -- hmm, not a bad idea for a film.

Hugs and such,

The Cute One

(Found and submitted by FM DeMarco)

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