Birdemic! the excitement is mounting

The premiere is only two hours away. The theater is sold out and the writer/director was seen with an entourage walking down the trending Fairfax. Were they coming from ultra hip bar "The Dime?"

The movie makes it's Hollywood premiere tonight to a sold out audience. TV personalities "Tim & Eric" are presenting the spectacular.

In front of the historic Silent Movie Theater on Fairfax a search like truck is parked making it a legitimate premiere. Just half a block down is the director's minivan covered with homemade Birdemic! posters and fake blood, making the event less legit.

We will keep you updated with all the faux excitement this reporter can muster.

Jim Belushi Breaks Deal with Devil

It was just announced that actor/comedian Jim Belushi will be starring in an upcoming CBS drama called "The Defenders."

"This is in direct violation of our contract," the devil told us while holding up a scroll with writing and a signature in blood that indeed looks like the actor's, "He was to have a very long running sitcom that would make it richer than anyone and then never appear on TV again. We had a deal."

Indeed the contract stated that he was to only make appearances at his "House of Blues" chain and corporate gigs.

"Maybe I'd be cool with an appearance on a high end cable drama playing against type or a walk on playing himself in some ironic sitcom," Satan said from his home in you-know-where, "But headlining his own series? That's unacceptable."

Right now the devil has no course of action. "I was going to reverse time and never put "According to Jim" on the air. But I realized it would bring a lot of people joy."

Eggs with your eggs...

Name Game

From Cynopsis.com:

Jay Harrington, star of ABC's Better Off Ted, may shift networks as he has been chosen as the lead in NBC's comedy pilot Nathan vs. Nurture. The comedy's plot, produced by Sony TV is about an overly-ambitious heart surgeon (Harrington) who finds his birth father and his underachieving brothers 35 years after his adoption. This new role for Harrington is in second position after ABC's Better Off Ted, though the sophomore series is not expected to be renewed by ABC.

Does this guy only play parts that are puns? His other shows are "Bird in the Stan" about an accountant at a zoo and "All the World's a Sage" about a health food store in the 80's.

Comedy Podcasts I listen to and like!

Comedy Podcasts:
WTF with Marc Maron- Maron is about to take his narcissism to another level. Luckily it's very entertaining. First he'll talk about himself, then he'll bring out a well known comedian and they talk about him. He caps the show with an interview with his dad or someone else and they...wait for it...talk about him.
It's very funny.

The Paul Goebel Show Paul and his friends are supposed to talk about TV, but it rarely happens. Instead we get funny conversation about dating after divorce, open marriage, working at Trader Joe's, performing at open mic nights and other random topics. Also ends in a fun game. Lots of fun to listen to. Grows on you.

WFMU Seven Second Delay w/ ken and Andy My favorite show. Andy is the station manager of WFMU and Andy is a former SNL writer and creator of the TV show "Monk." This is the most innovative show on the air. Each week they come up with ways to play on the radio. One night they drove a cab around New York and recorded it live, a variety show only using acts they got off Craig's List. Once they did the whole show without a clock and competed with each other to see who would guest when the hour ended. Ken cheated. They once had Sometimes the bits fail, but that's half the fun. Stick with it. It's great.

Comedy & Everything Else - Each Monday Jimmy Dore and Stefane Zamorano get together to talk about comedy, and everything else on their minds. Since Todd Glass left the show has become more political. Still fun to listen to and entertaining guests.

Another great show is the nonsense of "Things We Did Before Reality" by Will Franken. He's created a bizarre and hilarious world. Franken rarely comes out with a new show, but you can go back and hear a lot of funny timeless and strange shows.

I Love MoviesDoug Benson brings on his comedy friends to talk about movies and play his entertaining movie games.

Watch more Asylum Sideshow videos on AOL Video

The first bottle is amazing. Totally new and full of character. The second bottle is just as great but for different reasons. The third bottle is instantly a bad idea, same old thing, makes you tired and for some reason has Andy Garcia.

Finally - a package of movies you never wanted to see

Viewers would rather watch rape and murder than Leno

The night after The Jay Leno show went off the air NBC replaced it with a rerun of "Law & Order: SVU." The cop show was up 13% in that time slot over Leno a week ago.

$66,855,000 worth of people had no plans for Valentine's Day

The movie "Valentine's Day" made $66,855,000 proving that tons of people did not know what to do for the romantic holiday. No since "Titanic" has a movie gotten men who were out of ideas out of the dog house.

"It was a life saver," admitted Mark Richards, "I had no idea what do this weekend. Then I open the paper and there's a two page ad with the words "Valentine's Day" on it and times we could go. I called the babysitter and the good Olive Garden and it was became the most romantic night ever."

When asked if he was worried the movie would not be good he responded, "Ashton Kutcher was in the ad, just staring at me. He wouldn't let me down."

With no description of the movie, just faces of his favorite stars and a heart around it he had to take Ashton's word for it.

"To be honest," said Mark's wife, "I was bored during the movie. So i came up with a game. I tried to pick which celebrity on screen I would rather be with tonight. More importantly, who I would be with today if I didin't waste my youth with Mark."

"This movie really saved my marriage," Mr. Richards continued, "At least for a few months. Now if they can just come up with a film called 'Doreen's 40th' or '15th wedding Anniversary' we'd last at least until the kids got to college."

You can now dress like a d-bag at the Oscars

The Oscar committee has made it ok for actors and presenters to wear either a tux or an Ed Hardy t-shirt ti the big movie ceremony.
"We see Ed Hardy shirts everywhere," said one member, "Funerals, opera, weddings, why not the biggest awards show of the year?"

This will also stop people from asking "Who are you wearing?" since it says so high up on the guy's chest.

It's also now legal to hold your phone when driving as long as you don't put it to your ear,

Does this look like a penis to you?

Just checking.

Workers forced to lose sleep over TV

We can't stay up that late! Isn't that why they moved him earlier in the first place?

Indeed NBC did claim the Leno move was to capture those fans that grew so old over the past 17 years that they can't stay awake long enough to get through the local news. So Leno went to 10 PM. good, God Fearing, hard working people went to bed at a decent hour like a responsible person after watching Leno for 7 months. Then it all hit the fan.

NBC moved Leno back to 11:30. People were lost. "I got to work in the morning. How am I going to catch up on 'Headlines' and then be awake enough the next day to work the forklift," an angry email from Ledfute415 read, "Of course right now I'm not working, but if I did I would be tired."

A midnight vigil was scheduled at NBC studios, but it as you probably guested, everyone was asleep.

"Undercover Boss" accidently gets laid off

A CEO was accidentally downsized at his own company.  On an upcoming episode of "Undercover Boss" - a show about CEO's pretending to be regular workers to know how the little people lived - Founder of Eipcore, Donald Fisman was mistakenly lumped into a large group of people who were downsized.

"I wanted to know how the other half lived," said the now out of work millionaire, "I found out real quick. I started this company 25 years ago and made it what it is today. And now I'm fired. No severance package or anything. It's my company!"

What's next for the former chief who couldn't get one day as an Indian?
"Maybe start another company in my garage," he said "Or try out for Survivor."

CBS is very embarrassed. One executive told us, "This is the biggest mistake we've made since we gave Jay Mohr a sitcom."

John Mayer's camp responds

John Mayer recently got into some hot water when he said racists things to an interviewer for Playboy during an interview and then it was published in that magazine.

"First of all," started the new PR rep, "It was for Playboy and we never thought anyone would read it. Honestly, have you even seen a Playboy magazine? this is the first time Playboy has been relevant since they found naked pictures of Madonna. Quite frankly, I'm more shocked that people care what it's in Playboy than what Mayer allegedly said in the first place."

In the interview Mayer said he had a "Ghetto Pass" and then called it an n-word pass - but used the offensive term.

The publicist had a defense for this too. "Those are two totally different passes. One can get you into any kind of ghetto without any trouble and the other can get you slapped just asking for it by name."

Earlier today his ghetto pass was taken away and then was told to keep comedy for the comedians.

"Sex and the City" gets a change

The popular show/movie/book "Sex and the City" has officially changed it's name. It will now be called "Sex in the City." "We give up," said a very tired exec. "I'm tired of correcting people."

In a related story actor Willem Dafoe has changed his name to William Defoe.

Tigers Woods' Mistress talks about everything but Tiger

The news show Extra hit pay dirt when they grabbed an exclusive interview with Tiger Woods' mistress #1. Even though she refused to talk about the one thing that makes her interesting. Instead she talked about being a awful snob in high school, wanting a family, traveling to Asia and wanting to be like "Sex and the City." It's a segment called, "The worst first date ever."

Never once is the famed golfer talked about.

Future segments will have Dracula talk about how excited he is that there's an "A-Team" movie and an actual martian will discuss his favorite cookie recipes.

"It's our new direction," said a tired story editor, "Which is no direction at all. We hope people watch our show and say 'I don't get it.'"

Man saw divorce coming

An LA man said he knew his marriage was in trouble way before his wife a power agent in Hollywood ended their marriage.
"I knew there was trouble in our marriage when she wouldn't return my calls until after 5 PM," confessed the recently ankled husband.
When the marriage was just a wedlet, he says things were bofo.
"I used to get returns right away. Then after things got tough, she was always in a meeting. I wouldn't get a call back until night time. Sometime after she got to our home."

His wife says things are fine with them, she's just going in a different direction.

Howard Stern considers a return to showbiz

After leaving the public airwaves to go to a private entertainment service, Howard Stern has been rumored to be rumored to be possibly asked to maybe replace Simon (if he leaves - which he is rumored to) as a judge on "American Idol."

Although no official offer has been made to the former shock jock, a note was slipped in his agent's gym locker.

Here's what Stern had to say about the possibility of there being a possibly.

Sundance Channel sets new line up

The Sundance Channel, once the home to cool movies and docs is expanding its roster to scripted police dramas and style shows. "When you hear 'Sundance you think the best in new movies and the future of cinema," stated one executive, "but we plan to take that brand, stomp on it, set it on fire, find the ashes and shit on them."

With a full plate of police dramas and style shows the goal is set to be gayer than "Bravo, Logo and La Cienega and Santa Monica at 1 AM on a Thursdy night combined."

1 Millionth Comic Makes Baby Joke

Last night at 1 AM a new record was broken. The one millionth comedian made the joke "I slept like a baby last night. I cried and took a shit on myself."
"I honestly thought I wrote that joke," Matt Wilde told this reporter, "I was more shocked to find out I wasn't the only person who wrote this joke, let alone the 1 millionth."Although he's only been doing stand up comedy for 7 weeks - he's made a name for himself.

Last week, he got the honors of being the 2 millionth person to think he wrote the crowd work line, "What town are you from? Do you know Bob?"

Not everyone loves Mr. Wilde's sudden notoriety. The other open mic comics are jealous and have even shunned the celebrated joke teller.

"Just two weeks ago I told that baby joke," said Teddie Spaghetti from his job at bakery. "But I honestly wrote it. I didn't steal it. I lived the joke. I don't have any kids, but I cry and shit myself in my sleep. Now I can't do that joke anymore. What a waste."

(Phil Schwarzmann has nothing to do with this article. We just used his photo. Go check him out on his website.)

Hollywood reforms are working!

One of LA LA Land's newest mandates has been a huge success!

In order to cut the number of A-list actors who have to do jury duty and distracting court cases, the county installed the "Jury Duty or Gary Marshall" initiative is working.

Since the court does not want to be have security issues or distractions when a huge star like Jamie Foxx walks into a jury pool, the city counsel found another place for them. A-list actors were given a choice between serving on a jury or acting in a romcom directed by Gary Marshal who was working off a traffic ticket.
A trial run was done last year with the movie "He's Just Not That into You." Movie stars were sent a notice to appear at the Downtown LA court house along with a script based on the best selling book. Some actors did not take part in either program because they either thought it was joke or their Q rating dropped.
"Once Luke Wilson started doing phone commercials," one city official said, "He guaranteed himself to a life of jury duty."

30 Rock gag goes amuck

What was supposed to be a gag for an up coming episode of "30 Rock" has turned into an accidental movie release. Following past plot lines that Jenna was to star in such junk as "Rural Juror," Tracy Morgan's character was to follow up his fictional blockbuster "Honky Grandma be Trippin'," and "Who Dat Ninja" with "Cop Out." The idea was that Tracy Jordan was going to star in a by the numbers buddy cop film. "I thought people knew we were making fun of bad 80's cop buddy films when we 'cast' Bruce Willis," one writer told us in private for a free coffee and scone. "When I suggested that we put Kevin Smith as the director, we all thought everyone would get the joke."

But America fell for the irony and thought the movie posters and the trailers that told absolutely no story and made no sense were real. The studio is rushing to have something for theaters to show on the faux/now real release date.

The "30 Rock" writers promise to be more careful next time.

Where not to be seen!

Wanna have lunch and not see people you know from business? Ran to Toast or Doughboy's and ran into a publicist and an agent? Tired of explaining what you've been up to? THen Eat at Jan's Restaurant. A diner without agents, managers or even an intern. Show biz types won't even eat there ironically. Enjoy a pretty good meal without hearing someone make a deal. Jan's!

Jon Stewart goes after latest media victim: The Daily Show

This week, Jon attacked his own show for being petty and repetitive. "Making a face and going 'Wha?' is not political discourse," the host said about his own show and then showed a clip of himself doing just that over and over again.

"We just ran out of people to put down," admitted the show's producer. After Bush left office, the host had no one to attack. The administration was one that he supported. He was a political comment show with no one to comment on.

So he went after FOX News. Then Jim Cramer was fell victim to Stewart's scorn. It got so bad that in a wimpy move Cramer went on The Daily Show and admitted to being a dummy.

Jon Stewart vs. Jim Cramer - FULL VIDEO @ Yahoo! Video

Once Cramer apologized for not being as cool as Stewart, the TDS team needed another whipping boy.

The show went on a rampage and attached fellow TV personalities and shows from cable and network.
Then, last week the TV well ran dry and Stewart attacked the young children of the internet - bloggers!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Blogs Must Be Crazy
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Now they have nothing left to put down. So like a hungry snake - Stewart went after himself.

This all started when he went on another cable news show, called them hacks and asked them to stop producing the show. CNN canceled the show right away and jobs were lost.


The staff of The Daily Show understands the irony of their show getting canceled because of attacks from their show. "Yes we understand the irony," the show's producer said, "It's irony. That's what we do."