Best Comic Ever!

Give this guy a sitcom!

CBS tells fans to mind their own business

For the second time, CBS has canceled low rated "The Day After" TV series, "Jericho."

The first time CBS tried to clean this show off their shoes, fans sent them tons of peanuts to sway the network to change their minds. What the fans didn't know was that CBS president Les Moonves is a huge fan of "The Ground Round" and old western saloons - he constantly has peanuts crushed on the floor of this Florida mansion. He took this as a high compliment and brought the show back for 7 episodes.

The show had everything going for it: internut buzz, fans chumping at the bit for more stories, and most importantly - there was nothing else on.

Because of the writers' strike, this was one of the only new scripted shows on TV.

Still no one watched. The ratings dropped from last year.

"Take your peanuts and shove them up your ass!" said one CBS programmer. "Don't tell me how to do my job, " he continued, "I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your mouth." He then apologized for using such a hacky line.

"Next time send them to us," stated a spokesperson for a small starving nation.
"You can't pay your child support, but you can peanuts to save your little TV show?" demanded Sheryl Johnston, a single mother who is so poor she literally can't pay attention. "It's on lay-a-way."
"Looking back, this was a terrible idea."

"Duality" Watch

Sorry Christopher Coppola, but someone else is using that word to describe his film.

Background: Whenever I heard a director talk about the duality of something in his/her film - I have to turn it off. The word is often misused and always sounds prententious. To me. The guy writing. Maybe not you. We get that. But I do.

Location: BBC 4: Film Programme podcast
The Offender: Harmony Korine writer of Kids
Reason: He was talking about using celebrity impersonators in his film as actors gave his characters "Duality."
Ugh. It's someone in a Charlie Chaplin outfit playing a plummer. Doule ugh.

Failed Movie Tag lines

From the people that brought you the font of the Sopranos.

You like gambling and old tough mobster types, right?
Is this a good hand?

The guy in the middle might be Oscar winner Alan Arkin. Or it may not be. Take a chance!

Eric Roberts was not available.

The title is suposed to be tough. It doesn't sound right.

Paparazzi: They're just like us!

After getting beat up by Nicole Kidman's people, the Paparazzi are still trying to take her picture. They just can't take a hint.
Great Video!


One day while the photogs were innocently stalking Kidman for a hike, her trainer fought off the them off. Disoriented, but not thick headed, the next day a French flicker got his ass handed to him by her personal bodyguard. I mean really, literally handed to him. It's great....it's terrible.

Now will you stop? You are getting your ass kicked. Is it worth a possible shot of the Oscar winner without her make up on or picking her nose? A nip slip? A crotch shot coming out of a car? Ok, but wear this helmet.

Spitzer gal pal may win Oscar

The new most sort after writer in Hollywood? It's none other than the eye of the Spitzer controversy hurricane; high cost call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

After the success of striper-turned-Oscar winner over writer, Diablo Cody, agents and managers have been looking for the next Juno.

"I don't know if she could write, " said one agent/suitor, "But I know it'll be a great story. Not the movie's story, but her's. Right now America loves former sex industry workers who can write."

"Diablo uses an alias," added an agent turned manager after he was fired from his agency, " So does Ashley, I mean 'Kristen.'"

One possible script idea pitched from a hit hungry studio exec; "She can do a movie about a pregnant teenage girl who only talks in rhyming couplets."

So far offers for a reality show has been turned down because the $5,000 a night hooker didn't want the pay cut.

Worst Poker face Ever

Kathy Lee may Join Today. 26 out of 32 of Ms. Anderson's cats approve

Speculation is running wild that former Regis partner, Kathy Lee Gifford will join the Today Show as the host of their new 10 AM hour.

Spirits are high after last week when NBC's media research team concluded a scientific survey. They held up a picture of Kathy Lee that was taped to a picture of the Today Show set to the cats of Ms. Dorris Anderson. 26 of the 32 cats seemed to either enjoy or at least not walk away from the photo.

This is the high percentage that they needed. Not to say it was a landslide. The vote came down to Senior Fluffy Tail and Whiskers 3.

"It's important you got that endorsement," said Ms. Anderson from her one bedroom apartment on 182 Street. "Wiskers 3rd pretty much runs the remote. We all watch what she wants. Would you like some Sanka?"

It's NBC's hope that they can extend the love of the Today show to eventually last all day.

Full disclosure: This reporter did not have the Sanka.


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NBC tried something similar before about ten years ago. They created a post Today Show show called After Today. They basically ripped off the View before the show was that popular. they had three female hosts one of them was Florence Henderson. They all wore matching flight attendant type outfits. It was very strange.

Showtime will disapoint loyal lesbians for one more year

SHO announced that hey have picked up "The L Word" for it's 6th and final season (not to me, but to THR and Cynopsis).

Lesbians across the country will be relieved to know that they only have more weeks to watch a badly written show about them. Only 8 more time they could turn the TV off at the end of an episode and say, "That's it. I'm not watching that crap again. But don't tell anybody."

Laziest Pervert Ever

Usually the hits I get for this blog is people accidently coming to the site while searching for something else. To explore this fee-nam, years ago I put up key words that I thought would get me hits. It worked. Surprisingly the one that still gets a lot of action is "Sharon Osborne Nude."

this morning while picking apart my site meter for hope I found this search, "biggest names in hollywood nude."

believe it or not, those key words did not turn out. there isn't a site that just has everything laid out.

How lazy is that? is there a site that reads your mind? I would try egotastic.com. Or wwtdd.com. They are pretty up to date.

SNL's latest scene stealer

There's a new break out star on Saturday Night Live. Not The very funny Kristen Wigg or the new supporting player who's a total natural fit (I'd put her name her but I forgot it and it's not on the SNL site - if they don't care, then I don't!).

The new standout is the extra in the latest installment of the "Penelope" saga.

Penelope is a very funny character where Wigg tops whatever the last guy just said.

This week we find our heroine at driving school. Even though it's Wigg's job to be larger than life, it's the smiling teethy background extra that chews up scenery like a hyperactive puppy. Her mugging is so huge that my wallet is missing.

She's looking right at the camera. LOOK AT THE GUY TALKING! REACT!

I don't know who this deer-in-the-headlights girl is, but she's had more screen time in the one sketch than Kenan Thompson had all last season.

I would say that SNL should do a sketch about it, but I think they already did. It might have been Martin Short as an extra asking for motivation.

If that person is reading this and is upset, don't be. You're a public figure.You're a TV star.
I think I'm hypnotized by her stare. "I'm a chicken, Marge. I'm a chicken!"
Seriously, has anyone seen my wallet?

We get it!

Hey local news and CNN, the fact that Daylight Savings is coming is not a new story. Getting man on the street reactions? What are people going to say? "Wow! Back an entire hour? Have you heard about this thing fire?"

It's official...

You can now stop telling people that you will drink their milkshake. Thank you.

Rolling Stone is all wrong!

oops. Someone needs a new psychic. Today, two days after Hillary won Texas and Ohio the new Rolling Stone Magazine comes out trumpeting Obama as the far and away winner and Clinton as the clear loser. Wishful thinking on your part oh mighty music mag!

Slow down guys. You can't call someone a loser two days after she wins. No one in the art department thought she had a chance at Texas?

"Hillary's Last Stand" turned out pretty good.

I get it you are supporting Obama, but what ever happened to "We support Obama?" Why slam the other one? When did the Rolling Stone become the New York Post?

The Wire - with a laugh track.

Maybe now The Wire can get nominated for an Emmy.

Either they are blind or don't care

Re-reporting the news...

A blond, blue eyed woman passes off a memoir claiming that she's half Native American and a former gang member according to the New York Times.
(Hopefully you won't have to register all your personal information just to read the article.)

First off, couldn't she just write it as fiction? Why do we need this Vanilla Ice angle to get people to buy it in the first place?

They weren't suspicious when she cashed her advance check at Forever 21?

First hint for the publisher was when they found out the book was ghost written by this man:

"Duality" worst word ever.

Whenever I hear an actor or mostly it's directors, use the term "duality" I have to shut off. It's so pretentious. What bullshit.

I hate that term. It has no concrete meaning for me. It doesn't answer the question.

The first time I heard it used was with a radio interview with Christopher Coppola in 1994. He was promoting his second film and follow up to "Dracula's Widow" called "Deadfall."

I only "Deadfall" because at the time the poster for the movie was up on our college cafeteria wall. It's not such an honor when you account for the other movies on the wall. The place was decorated with large posters of crappy movies. As if some RA went to the dumpster of the local video store and pulled out all the posters. Except our one video store did not carry any of the movies that we stared at all day. You would think someone would figure that out.

Right now the only other movie I could remember seeing was "Suffering Bastards" a comedy with a pre Oliver Stone John C. McGinley and a pre "Showgirls" Gina Gershon. I did suffer through that film (get it?). I found it at K-I-M-s video in NYC a place that had a huge library of movies including bootlegs and promo tapes. This was one of them.

Christopher Coppola was interviewed on some show I don't remember. The interview was more interested in how he got Cage. They are brothers. Not an interesting story. Plus he's in one scene and the director wanted to talk about the importance of his film. Fine. the real story is the film.

He dropped the "D" bomb.

"It's the duality of it that I love." Duality of what? What are you talking about? This is a detective film - what duality?

So last night while listening to Elvis Mitchell on "The Treatment" his guest went right into dangerous territory. Neil LaBute the writer and director of "In the company of Men" and the Nick Cage Classic, "Wickerman" was talking about his new play "Some Girl(s)." He utilized the "d word" only 3: 00 into the podcast.

To me it's like "Chilean sea bass," it just sounds pretentious. It's bass. It's a fish, of course it's from the sea. "Really? Not the public pool?" What if it's from the ocean? Who cares?

Who is "Demetri?"

This goes under the very petty - While doing his dead on impression of most political comedians, Fred Armisen's Nicholas Fehn" character stopped his act to tell Amy Pohler he saw Demetri - no last name was used. I assumed it was a reference to the very funny comic and flavor of the last three years - Demetri Martin. DM would be a good name for a comic trying to look cool would drop.

If I gave a shit I would find out. I do not. I do, actually. But I'm too lazy to find out.

I'm surprised this isn't a lead story for the Apiary.