Dinky Moore

Fun Oscars on Sunday, despite producer Gil Cates' attempts to ruin his own show. He eliminated the red carpet march-out, yet I still watched Joan and Melissa point outside a window from across the street. Mr. Cates warned guests that the orchestra would play if their speeches went too long. I guess he forgot to mention that the microphone would also descend into the floor, like a Bond villain gizmo. Tacky.

Mr. Cates also discouraged potential winners from acknowledging the war or life outside the Kodak Theater, but after watching 6 hours of "Greatest Oscar Moments" on E!, I can tell you that I'm sure he secretly wanted it. For every outrage that so-and-so said this-and-that or that What'shisname refused the Oscar for What'sthecause means another "greatest" moment to re-air or reprint in Entertainment Weekly. Why else was Susan Sarandon asked to present an award? Because she was so darn good in The Banger Sisters?

My Oscar party waited anxiously for the Best Documentary award, because Michael Moore would have something to say if he won. When he did win, and all the nominees went on stage with him, we knew a "greatest Oscar moment" was being hatched.

"I have invited my fellow documentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to - they're here in solidarity with me," began Moore. But before any anti-war sentiment was uttered, he lets out a bombshell: "We live in a time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president."

Holy shit! He just said the president stole the elections! Is that what his "fellow documentary nominees" are "in solidarity with," Moore, that Bush is a sham? I bet before the show, Moore told them, "Whoever wins, let's all go on stage and denounce the war." They probably said, OK, no war, we agree. Or did the director of a film about bird migration think the elections were fixed and really wanted self-absorbed carnie-barker Michael Moore to express that? Seems like Moore just exploited their presence to sell some more books. Either way, that will be the last time the "Bush stole the elections" sentiment will ever be uttered on ABC Sunday night programming. Unless, of course, it is found out that it's true.

P.S. Why didn't we see any A-listers visibly boo Michael Moore? Because, according to ew.com, many of the boos came from stagehands. Invite someone over, then boo them? Even tackier.

- Media Yenta's Brother