Bullet Proof Crap
Hollywood serves up the same old shit no matter what

Years ago Chow Yun-Fat got attention in America because he made these great action films and was a huge star in Hong Kong. Hollywood called and Chow checked his caller ID and then answered.


Now what do you do with an action star nearing 40 and can't speak English very well?

You put him in a movie with a younger star?

Right and?

You make them cops and have the Chinese guy have to come to America to avenge his partner's death and find the international outlaw with the help of a streetwise cop played by a young established star? Or a Chinese cop who comes to America looking for stolen drugs/weapons/diamonds/child and gets help from an American cop?


Bingo! It worked with Jackie Chan and all started (I think) with a new comer and huge TV star Eddie Murphy and film actor and safe white guy Nick Nolte in "48 Hours." Why not introduce something new with a familure face?

So Chow's first film with Mira "The Oscars was my last seen appearance" Sirvino, tanked. Then his other film with Marky-Mark Walberg(stein), barely made it to the car chase or the bonding moment at the bar.

Meanwhile, another action star Jett Li comes on the screen making gansta movies with rappers and great Black actors. These films didn't make much sense, but at least it wasn't 100% formula. They did well at the box office.

When Ang Lee was set to make a traditional Chinese action movie, Jett Li wasn't available. Sources, EW I think, say he was shooting one of those gansta movies, while he says he wife just had a baby and he was tired. I think he was too big for the art house director and the plum role in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" went to Chow who was one week away from co-starring in a syndicated action show that air on Saturday at 4 pm.

"Crouching Tiger," an art film, with subtitles, two female leads/heroes and no stolen drugs/weapons/diamonds/child; went on to make more than all of Jett Li's and Chow's movies combined!

Now what does Hollywood do?

They make more movies with subtitles, interesting plots, female stars, and older actors with the lead roles.

Wrong! You pressed your luck.

Dick.

What? Anyway, after that movie, every crappy film had to add wires. That's what Hollywood learned from "Tiger." AMERICA LOVES WIRES! Not intelligent plots and heart felt stories, but flips and kicks.
The movies didn't change; they just added more stunts.

This weekend a film starring Sean where's my car guy from American Pie as a cop who learns to kick ass from Chow and teams up with James King (chick) and they fall in love.
From IMDB:
Set in San Francisco, this is the story of a mysterious immortal Tibetan kung fu master (Yun-Fat), who has spent the last 60 years traveling around the world protecting an ancient scroll, who is now mentoring a street kid (Scott) in the wonders of his ancient ways... (King plays a "Russian mob princess"; Roden plays an evil kung fu master who is seeking the scroll)

I hope Chow saved his "Crouching Tiger" money. Anyone see "The Killer" or "Hard Boiled?" He was great in those movies. Well maybe him and Jett Li can do a WB sitcom together.

And fuck James King. I'm sick of models turn actresses. I know Haley Barry won an Oscar, but she's a great actress. That doesn't mean that every super skinny chick with lots of lipstick and an AA chip should star in a movie over a real actress.

Dinky Moore

Fun Oscars on Sunday, despite producer Gil Cates' attempts to ruin his own show. He eliminated the red carpet march-out, yet I still watched Joan and Melissa point outside a window from across the street. Mr. Cates warned guests that the orchestra would play if their speeches went too long. I guess he forgot to mention that the microphone would also descend into the floor, like a Bond villain gizmo. Tacky.

Mr. Cates also discouraged potential winners from acknowledging the war or life outside the Kodak Theater, but after watching 6 hours of "Greatest Oscar Moments" on E!, I can tell you that I'm sure he secretly wanted it. For every outrage that so-and-so said this-and-that or that What'shisname refused the Oscar for What'sthecause means another "greatest" moment to re-air or reprint in Entertainment Weekly. Why else was Susan Sarandon asked to present an award? Because she was so darn good in The Banger Sisters?

My Oscar party waited anxiously for the Best Documentary award, because Michael Moore would have something to say if he won. When he did win, and all the nominees went on stage with him, we knew a "greatest Oscar moment" was being hatched.

"I have invited my fellow documentary nominees on the stage with us, and we would like to - they're here in solidarity with me," began Moore. But before any anti-war sentiment was uttered, he lets out a bombshell: "We live in a time where we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious president."

Holy shit! He just said the president stole the elections! Is that what his "fellow documentary nominees" are "in solidarity with," Moore, that Bush is a sham? I bet before the show, Moore told them, "Whoever wins, let's all go on stage and denounce the war." They probably said, OK, no war, we agree. Or did the director of a film about bird migration think the elections were fixed and really wanted self-absorbed carnie-barker Michael Moore to express that? Seems like Moore just exploited their presence to sell some more books. Either way, that will be the last time the "Bush stole the elections" sentiment will ever be uttered on ABC Sunday night programming. Unless, of course, it is found out that it's true.

P.S. Why didn't we see any A-listers visibly boo Michael Moore? Because, according to ew.com, many of the boos came from stagehands. Invite someone over, then boo them? Even tackier.

- Media Yenta's Brother

Who Will Lose?

Even with war looming, it's hard not to get angry at this year's movie awards. Looking at the list of
nominations, we see who should win, but know will win:
Madonna.
This Saturday, March 22, one day before the Oscars, the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation
announces the 23rd Annual Golden Raspberry (RAZZIE) Awards winners. Celebrating the worst movies of the
year, the Razzies got their hands full for 2002. Swept Away has seven nominations (tied with Star Wars:
Episode II).
We bet it will win all. Why? Because it's all politics, man. Madonna has already won four
previous Razzies as well as the Razzie's Worst Actress of the Century award.
Entertainment Weekly has already handicapped the Oscars, but we're the first to place odds on this year's Razzie race.

We got the list from the Foundation's website, www.razzies.com

Worst Actor:
Roberto Benigni /PINOCCHIO, Adriano Giannini/SWEPT
AWAY, Eddie Murphy/ADVENTURES of PLUTO NASH, I SPY and
SHOWTIME, Steven Seagal/HALF PAST DEAD, Adam
Sandler/ADAM SANDLER'S 8 CRAZY NIGHTS and MR. DEEDS

We say:
Roberto. Breckin Meyer dubbed his voice in the first US theatrical release. The second US theatrical
release had subtitles. America suddenly misses Breckin Meyer's dub work.

Worst Actress:
Angelina Jolie/LIFE, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT, Jennifer
Lopez/ENOUGH and MAID IN MANHATTAN, Madonna/SWEPT
AWAY, Winona Ryder/MR. DEEDS, Britney
Spears/CROSSROADS

We say:
Madonna. But why was Enough over-looked in the worst movie category?

WORST Supporting Actor:
Hayden Christensen/STAR WARS/EPISODE II, Tom
Green/STEALING HARVARD, Freddie Prinze, Jr./SCOOBY
DOO, Christopher Walken/THE COUNTRY BEARS, Robin
Williams/DEATH TO SMOOCHY

We say:
Not only did Tom Green win big with last year's Freddy Got Fingered, but he showed up to accept his awards.
Wouldn't be surprised to see the Foundation pandering towards celebrities who show up.

WORST Supporting Actress:
Lara Flynn Boyle/MEN IN BLACK II, Bo Derek/MASTER OF
DISGUISE, Madonna/DIE ANOTHER DAY, Natalie
Portman/STAR WARS: EPISODE II, Rebecca
Ramijn-Stamos/ROLLERBALL

We say:
Madonna was bad but brief in Bond, but that didn't matter, that movie (that honor goes to Worst Original Song
nominee, "Die Another Day"). The Razzie should go to Lara Flynn Boyle for her phone-in job in MIB II.

MOST FLATULENT TEEN-TARGETED MOVIE
ADAM SANDLER’S 8 CRAZY NIGHTS, CROSSROADS, JACKASS:
THE MOVIE, SCOOBY DOO, XXX

We say:
The worst movie of 2002 is on this list and deserves special mention. xXx was awfully crass and crassly
awful, although it can't be worst than xXx 2.

Worst Director:
Roberto Benigni/PINOCCHIO, Tamra Davis/CROSSROADS,
George Lucas/STAR WARS/EPISODE II, Guy Ritchie/SWEPT
AWAY, Ron Underwood/THE ADVENTURES of PLUTO NASH

We say:
The Foundation's being a little mean to Tamra Daivs and Ron Underwood, because they can't take full blame
for their features. Guy "Mr. Madonna" Ritchie will get it, but Lucas deserves it for his two hour video game
promo.

Worst Picture:
THE ADVENTURES of PLUTO NASH, CROSSROADS, Roberto
Benigni’s PINOCCHIO, STAR WARS: EPISODE II: ATTACK OF
THE CLONES, SWEPT AWAY

We say:
Swept Away. And Pluto Nash. And Crossroads. And Roberto Benigini's Pinocchio. And Star Wars: Eposide
II. And Chicago. And Gangs of New York. And The Hours.
And Lord of the Rings II. And The Pianist. I want to thank the Foundation and my lawyer and everyone
involved in everything. U.S. out of everywhere don't have the orchestra play now, I'm not finished with my
speech!

- Media Yenta's Brother

I believe this weekend will mark another #1 win for the movie "Bringin' Down the House." I have at least two major problems with that movie.
IMDB.com describes the movie as:
Tagline: Everything he needed to know about life, she learned in prison. (more)

Plot Outline: When a lonely guy (Martin) meets a woman (Latifah) on the Internet who happens to be in prison, she breaks out to be with him, and proceeds to wreak havoc on his middle-class life.

But didn't Steve Martin make a similar movie before?
Here's how Imdb.com describes the 1992 movie with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn, "Housesitter;"

Tagline: She's turning his house into a home...hers! (more)

Plot Outline: Con artist Goldie moves into Steve's empty house without his knowledge, and begins setting up house posing as his new wife.



I'm not one to judge, but Steve has control issues. He lets women walk all over him and steal his house.


---
My other problem is that "Bringin'" is totally racist. It's goes in the category of "Magic Black People Films." There's a whole "MBPF" section at your local video store (the store of course was run out of business by Blockbuster).
These films have a Black person in a secondary role, but a big role, who's character's job it is to teach the white guy about life.
So talk to a black person, they might change your life. Once again, white people are the one's who get characters with depth and heart; black people are on call to serve the white person.
Movies like: "Legend of Bagger Vance," "Family Man," to name two that I can think of right now. But fucking Wil Smith is the #1 box office star in the country, and in order for him to be in a Robert Redford film, he has to play the caddy.

Don't forget "Carbon Copy" with George Segal and introducing Denzel Washington. George loses his house, job, and wife when his black son turns up. Apparently Washington is so embarrassed that he won't talk about the movie ever.

In "Bringin'" Oscar nominated rap star, Quean Latifah, plays an escape con (who didn't do it, so not an "escape con," just an "escape." but if she escaped from jail, doesn't that mean that she broke the law and that would make her a con? So escape con is fine) who ends up at Steve's house because he met her on a computer date. But once he realizes that she's not white, he can't date her. But she is able to fix up the house, teaches his kid to read (not a book, but a porno. Get it? She's black!) and of course, she teaches everyone to dance and to relax!

The commercial makes it clear that Latifah is going to help Steve get his wife back. Why can't Steve realize that his wife is an a-hole and Latifah is the one? Will people go nuts? Is it because Latifah is (supposedly) a lesbian?

Statement that's over the edge.
Thanks goodness for Black People. They are like our new Leprechauns.

I believe this weekend will mark another #1 win for the movie "Bringin' Down the House." I have at least two major problems with that movie.
IMDB.com describes the movie as:
Tagline: Everything he needed to know about life, she learned in prison. (more)

Plot Outline: When a lonely guy (Martin) meets a woman (Latifah) on the Internet who happens to be in prison, she breaks out to be with him, and proceeds to wreak havoc on his middle-class life.

But didn't Steve Martin make a similar movie before?
Here's how Imdb.com describes the 1992 movie with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn, "Housesitter;"

Tagline: She's turning his house into a home...hers! (more)

Plot Outline: Con artist Goldie moves into Steve's empty house without his knowledge, and begins setting up house posing as his new wife.



I'm not one to judge, but Steve has control issues. He lets women walk all over him and steal his house.


---
My other problem is that "Bringin'" is totally racist. It's goes in the category of "Magic Black People Films." There's a whole "MBPF" section at your local video store (the store of course was run out of business by Blockbuster).
These films have a Black person in a secondary role, but a big role, who's character's job it is to teach the white guy about life.
So talk to a black person, they might change your life. Once again, white people are the one's who get characters with depth and heart; black people are on call to serve the white person.
Movies like: "Legend of Bagger Vance," "Family Man," to name two that I can think of right now. But fucking Wil Smith is the #1 box office star in the country, and in order for him to be in a Robert Redford film, he has to play the caddy.

Don't forget "Carbon Copy" with George Segal and introducing Denzel Washington. George loses his house, job, and wife when his black son turns up. Apparently Washington is so embarrassed that he won't talk about the movie ever.

In "Bringin'" Oscar nominated rap star, Quean Latifah, plays an escape con (who didn't do it, so not an "escape con," just an "escape." but if she escaped from jail, doesn't that mean that she broke the law and that would make her a con? So escape con is fine) who ends up at Steve's house because he met her on a computer date. But once he realizes that she's not white, he can't date her. But she is able to fix up the house, teaches his kid to read (not a book, but a porno. Get it? She's black!) and of course, she teaches everyone to dance and to relax!

The commercial makes it clear that Latifah is going to help Steve get his wife back. Why can't Steve realize that his wife is an a-hole and Latifah is the one? Will people go nuts? Is it because Latifah is (supposedly) a lesbian?

Statement that's over the edge.
Thanks goodness for Black People. They are like our new Leprechauns.

I Choose Not to Accept This "Mission"

Mission: Impossible 3 has secured a new director, according to E! Online. The Tom Cruise May '04 release
will be helmed by Joe Carnahan. Who the what? Carnahan just directed "Narc," a film I walked out of half-way
through. Tom Cruise was an executive producer on "Narc," so that explains that. But why, why, why must
this franchise continue?

Money, greed, synergy? Out of all the mortally bankrupt film franchises, the Mission: Impossible movies were never true to their
source. The original '66-73 TV series was about team work, elaborate ruses, deceit and cool names like Jim Phelps and Barney
Collier. M:I-1 (did I mention these acronyms can also go to hell?) kills Emilio Estevez and the rest of the team in the first twenty minutes, leaving blandly-named Ethan Hunt to run, sweat and generally act like a humorless second-rate Bond. What remains is
that theme song and a lot of face-mask-ripping.

And why did they previously hire top-notch directors to do journeyman-like hackwork? The first movie had
none of Brain De Palma's glee or passion (compare it to his recent Femme Fatale), and John Woo had better
motorcycle tricks in Hard Target, for Pete's sake. And despite a few slo-mo white doves shots, there were
little of the directors' style or panache in the films. Maybe Joe C. will enliven the franchise with
more signature black and white quickly edited shots of crack-smoking. Either way, Carnahack as director makes
sense. So does killing the series and giving Cruise the spy franchise he really wants.

Media Yenta's Brother

-----------
Reactions are in.
From CP:
CrapMeter@yahoo.com



First of all, if you walked out of Narc you are a fucking retard or just an arthouse snob. It was a riviting story, well acted, well shot, well edited. Given the severe budgetary problems they experienced, it was a miracle it was finished at all. Tom Cruise was listed as executive producer because he bailed the film out half way through production. He invested based on the footage already shot and had no say in the script or pre-production. He was not in on the planning at all, and didn't have much involvement with post production either. It would not have taken much investigating for you to find this out. Joe Carnahan did a great job with what he had.

I do, however, agree with your perception of the MI franchise. It has survived only on shiney objects and slick production values. It may interest you to know that Carnahan was also not a fan of the previous two MI's. He said he would be interested only if they could do a punk rock version. We shall see how it turns out. But if you remain disinterested you can always rent Remains of the Day.

Are Reality shows killing TV?

Recently my friend, a very funny actress wrote me that her boyfriend, a very funny sitcom writer, was having problems getting on a new show since their were so little options. She was also upset that she didn't get that many auditions for sitcoms, because there wasn't that many to choose from.

They blame the new boogieman: reality shows!

They don't realize that the TV business is not about keeping writers and actors in the money; but about keeping eyeballs on their networks and selling advertisements. If crappy sitcoms or CSI rip offs are getting viewers and bug eating reality shows are.


Years ago, every show was a "Friends" rip off and everyone got bored. This is the same thing. TV copies what works. Even what doesn't work. The talk show "The View," did ok in the daytime TV world, but then all of a sudden every new talk show has 19 hosts. The psychic talk show does well and then everyone with a premonition and a crystal ball got a talk show pilot.

So at some point, people will get tired of the same format and want something new or old. But right now, everyone is buying reality shows.

The problem with that is that the people who make those shows don't make even close the money that sitcom and drama guys so.
On a scripted show, the writers, actors, and producers get money for reruns and rebroadcasts. They can make money over and over again off the same episodes. They also make more money per episode. They also make like 22 ep's of these shows.

Reality shows have like one or two writers, and a director who make money later on. But producers and the contestants don't make rerun money, residuals. So they can't buy that house in Hollywood Hills that they show off on E! Celebrity homes. Also most reality shows are six, nine, or 13 episode arks. Not 22.


Also, now instead of showing reruns of a drama, networks would rather introduce a new reality show to get new viewers and attract new advertiser money.

Like, "The Family" on ABC on Tuesdays for nine weeks straight, instead of showing reruns of the cop drama.
Instead of making money off of second runs of "NYPD Blue" these poor actors have to wait for reruns because the evil reality show came in the picture. So that's not fair, taking rerun money from actors and writers.

But, I worked on "The Family" with atleast 40 other people. We all had weeks of work because of this show. How dare actors and writers get all high and mighty that they can't get work. Why because someone else is in teh picture? Good, f them. they'll make more money than me any day.

But with sitcoms and dramas you can build a fan base and an identity. "Friends" and "CSI" can build nights, franchises, identities for a network. CBS once a babysit for old guys, now is the true crime channel. Even their news shows are about solving crimes.
What's better? Who knows, but you should learn to flow with the times.