Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Sure, die another day, but at least return my phone calls

For weeks, I heard from you always. I couldn't move without you there. Everywhere I turned you were there. Halle, Pierce, James, Q. You were on every talk show, in every magazine. I heard you tell me fondly how you grew up on Bond films. How you love the role.
How Bond women are really strong women, not just floozies that are picked up and dropped off before the next film.

Halle, you were on "Revealed with Jules (Ed) Asner." And I was there. Halle, you revealed everything about yourself. You joked about crying a lot at the Oscars. YOU WERE REVEALED!

Pierce, you talked of being a young lass rushing to see the latest Bond movie, all excited. I pictured you dressed all Angela's Ashes running through the woods with your mates all wearing those caps that you wear.
You said James Bond was the greatest thing growing up. You opened up to me. You finally knocked down that wall and talked, and it was real.

Then there were the specials. "Bond Women," "Making of Bond," Bond, Bond, bond sndkskfjsdfjfsldklss..

Then every magazine had you guys on the cover. Even talk of a spin-off. Yes, talks of a Jinx spin-off with Berry as a female James Bond. What an honor! (Did you know that the Fleming estate never approved of a spinoff before? This is special. You're special.)

Then...BOOM! After the opening weekend, you were nowhere to be found. Nothing; not an interview or a special.

YOU USED ME! YOU USED ME! After the opening weekend you were gone. Not a word. You got what you wanted and left. You got your precious #1 at the box office/biggest opening of a Bond film and turned from me.

I feel so dirty.

When the DVD comes out, will you call me? Or at least appear on Craig Kilborn?

Friday, November 22, 2002

Who needs children when you have Friends
A certain yenta got caught watching Thursday sitcoms

Will someone call child protection? Or the deadbeat dad police? This fictional Ross Geller guy is getting away with murder. I was watching the "Friends" tonight. It had to do with his new baby and what he and his fellow sinning friend were going to do with the baby. It was all wacky and sentimental, as you know "Friends" and life can be.
Then it hits me. This guy has another son, from his first marriage, and he hasn't seen the kid in maybe 2 or 3 seasons. What the hell?
What kind of visitation did he get? Only during sweeps? And what about his monkey? Are kids and pets sent away when ratings are low?
What also has to go is that "Good Morning Miami." It's so perky and stale. The first episode smelled of cancellation. In fact, the pilot said, "Only 12 more to go."

Why do they make these shows with phony, too-pretty people in jobs that are so over their heads they could never handle them and apartments that don't exist? Then 7 episodes later, the audience turns on it and they have to cancel the show.

Why do shows take place in a TV station if they have nothing to do with TV? "Larry Sanders" was all about TV. This Miami-Miami crud could take place anywhere. Why not put it in a flower shop or an oil-can refinery or a schmelting plant? How many shows do there need to be about a TV station? These writers obviously don't try at all to be original. "How did I think up the show? Well, I was at work and I needed a workplace right away and..."

The show is about a guy, who looks 36, who moves to Miami to run a TV station because there's a hot chick who works there and he's in love with her. Great, so every sweeps period the writers have to resist hooking them up. Gee. By the way, the woman playing his oversexed grandmother looks like she could play his mother or older sister.
Of course the Granny is some kind of flake/whore. Aren't all old people (on sitcoms)? She came out, delivered a few lines, and returned to the "Who's the Boss" where she came from.

The episode I saw, all the women had extra-long sleeves that they played with while they delivered their lines. This was their "activity."

The not-hot-chick-who's-actually-hot delivered some kooky lines and then went right back to the TV show "Becker" where she came from.

The too-hot-to-have, impossible-to-get-until-you-reach-100-episodes-or-a-threat-of-being-canned chick came out and delivered her lines and returned to every '80s comedy where she came from.

Last week's show was about the guy who runs the station being upset because he was turning 29. 29! What the fuck? I'd be upset too if I was nearing 30 and looked 40. The guy is way too old for that. I understand having older people play teenagers, but are there any child labor laws for people actually in their 20s? Why not have him be 37, like he is in real life?

I dated a woman who told me when I asked her how old she was that she "played 25-29." She was 38. She quickly put on really long sleeves and brushed up on her snappy one-liners.

Monday, November 18, 2002

LEAVING: The View co-host Lisa Ling announcing on-air Monday morning that she's exiting the morning chatfest to replace Boyd Matson on National Geographic Explorer.

I don't think it was her choice to give up network money for cable money. But good for her. Apparently when the ratings drop, you fire the young one. Don't fire the older women. Don't get rid of Star.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Turning a blind eye

When is it OK to be a misogynist and a homophobe? I was taught never. But in Hollywood it's OK, as long as you sell a shitload of CDs. Eminem put out two albums where he talks about killing his wife and how much he hates gays. Strangely he refuses to use the "N word." It's good to know that even haters have limits.

As soon as he got big, anti-defamation groups jumped up and down to quiet him. That only led to more local "news" reports and higher sales.

Hollywood saw a crossover star and a movie draw. People felt they had to embrace someone who writes about hate. The Grammys gave him awards. The Grammys, BTW, don't reward the best music of the year, just the best of the highest selling. Have you ever seen an unknown rock group or rapper get nominated? Last year, Elton John sang a duet with the rapper. Does it make OK what Em was saying? NO! It just shows what an Uncle Tom and sellout John is. Fuck that over-the-hill (as big as a hill) sellout.

Hollywood came calling. He's now in a movie (which is a watered-down "Krush Groove") directed by Curtis Hanson. Apparently "Wonder Boys" was such a flop that this once-renowned director got stuck making "Breakin' 3."

The Em single to promote the movie is as watered-down as the free mimosas at the Standard. He doesn't even shit on gays once. What a let-down. Instead, the song is inspirational, like "Eye of the Tiger," except harder to understand.

The movie itself was a two-hour slow-motion lead-up to a last scene and end credits. Jeez, that movie gave no insight into Detroit or rap. It wasn't even that funny. It kinda began, middled, and ended.

So if you're an aspiring hate rapper, just make sure it's catchy.

Saturday, November 16, 2002

Medium Yenta
Reviews of things to come

That new George Clooney movie looks like a big bomb. You can actually smell the gunpowder from the billboards.

Signs that it's a flop:

- The TV Ads start with "From Academy Award winners James Cameron and Steve Sodenbergstien." They're automatically trying to sell you on the movie based on the two guys who EP'ed the movie, not the movie itself. ("It must be good if those two guys are involved.") Who knows what happened? It might be a regret or a mistake. Those two guys might've lost a bet and in return had to endorse this movie.
I love that it said " Academy Award winners." Just to remind you. ("Oh, THATJames Cameron.") As if to tell you that these guys won Oscars, so this movie has to be good. Remember that Steve Martin was the executive producer of "The Downer Channel" and Robert DeNiro starred in "City by the Sea," plus he starred and "Presented" "Rocky and Bullwinkle."

-The Plot. The commercial has Clooney chasing this young, thin, super-hot girl around trying to get her to marry him. When she says no, he tells her he'll never stop asking. Aw, ain't stalking sweet.
Then, next thing you know, she's dead and she apparently did marry him. Huh? Then she comes back! Talk about a co-dependent. Then he tells his friend about his ex-sex and his friend warns him. Why does he warn him? We never find out. I say his friend is a jerk. He should be happy for George. If old cleft-chin wants to hook up, recycle, and rebound with his dead wife, then let him. It's not his place his to judge. I bet you this is the same friend that told Clooney not to leave "ER."

- It looks like you know what: Dare I say it. It looks like this year's "Vanilla Sky" the way it's shot and cut and lit. All it needs is for the dead wife to say, "J'open jour j'eyes."

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

I went off to teach a class in yenta-ering at a major university. I then wrote a book about the experience: "On Yentaing Film."

To a young class of Future Hollywood Types (FHT):

Yenta: "Jackass" the movie was #1 its opening weekend and the crowd goes wild. The movie cost a few million and made tons of cash back. Now what does that mean?

Student 1: Moviegoers don't mind crappy video?

Yenta: True, but more.

Student 2: People want to see stunts?

Yenta: NO!

Student 2: They want to see more Johnny Knoxville?

Yenta: Maybe. Not really... more...

Student 2: What! JUST TELL ME! Jeez...

Yenta: People want to see what they want to see. They don't need things watered down or Hollywoodized.

Student 2: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! I'm leaving! This is the last time I go to the Learning Annex.

Yenta: The MTV show "Jackass" was really popular and censured. Then the show was taken off the air, creating a demand for more. If the "Jackass" crew took a script and did a regular movie starring them with an occasional stunt, the opening weekend would've been big, but it would've dropped off fast. People would've been disappointed and the "Jackass" franchise would be done.

Student 3: Like The Jerky Boys. They had a big success with prank calling on records and instead of doing a documentary type film with them pranking people, they made a "movie" with a BS plot. The first weekend brought in $7 million and was the #1 movie in the country. The second week it died a horrible death and we never heard from them again.

Yenta: That's exactly right. Great job.

Student 2: Kiss ass! I'm outta here!

Student 3: The plot of the "Jerky Boys" was as hack as anything can be: a mob guy is chasing them. That's so hacky. Since when were those guys actors? They sucked. Does every movie need a love interest and a car chase? Can't a film just be entertainment in its purest form?

Yenta: Now you're just showing off.