Saturday, August 15, 2009

TV Cop Show Police Academy

Attention TV police cadets - I am A veteran TV cop show watcher. I have seen things you can only imagine. I have years watching the force. You must remember these tips in order to get your man/woman in a timely 48 minute fashion.

1) If a case involves a retired cop, he either did it or is doing security for the guy who did. I know he was your mentor and/or played by the book the whole time he was on the force or you knew his wife. But chances are his wife recently passed away or left him and he's totally obsessed with that one cold case you are opening up. Or he's making a killing off private security for a fat cat and will do anything to protect him. We know it's hard to bust a fellow a fellow officer.

2) if you hear of the guest star, he/she did it. This is mostly for cops on the L&O beat. If this person had a series at one point or was on The Wire, he did it.

3) If a teenage girl dies on the show, she's going to be involved in a prostitution circuit or an internet porn ring. I don't care if she's a straight A student. That's part of the mystery. Also, when she is found dead, she will be in a Catholic school uniform, even if she went to public school.

4) If the Russian mob is involved, Mr. Big's headquarters is in a strip club. Feel free to investigate during operational hours. Don't worry about it seeing topless woman. For some reason these woman dance around in their bathing suits.

5) All cases of murder are horrible, but if it involves children you have to get extra angry and take it personal.

6) If you are a psychic working out of Arizona - the killer is the woman's husband. Trust me. I've seen a tone of cases like this before. Tons. Almost every week, it seems like.

7) If a cop you never heard of or hardly hear about is just promoted, just had a baby, just got married or is talking about getting out of the cop biz and opening a flower shop, stay away from that officer. He will be murdered, soon. I know, it's unfair.

8) This goes for all the squads - if you meet this man, I don't care if he's a doctor or the victim's father, he did it. Plain and simple.

Now you know. So protect our TV streets. And thank you.

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