The Secret Santa prank

I didn’t know anyone my first semester at New Paltz. So I was happy to see I had a secret admirer. I came in my junior year and joined the theater department. Around Christmas, I signed up for Secret Santa hoping to make a connection. Every day, I got a little gift and a really sweet note from a woman telling me how cute I was and how special I was. Each note got a little more explicit. Nothing too crazy, but going there. I’d look around the classroom and wonder who my secret admirer was. I assumed she was just being nice. Maybe she was getting a little carried away with the Christmas spirit. Or maybe this was going to be the start of something. At the party, it was finally my turn to open my gift and meet my Secret Santa. I looked around the room. Who was the lucky lady? I gave my gift an unimpressed guy I never really got to know. No biggie. It’s my turn! My gift was long and rectangular. Was it booze? I had no idea. I unwrapped it. It was a toolbox with just a note in it. “Now that I got your tool all hot and bothered, here’s a box to put it in.”

Joe was one of our senior professors. He taught my stagecraft class. He was a theater expert. He was super nice and super fun. He was a legend at the school-a large man with a hearty laugh, which he let out as he watched my face drop. Joe was one of our senior professors. He taught my stage craft class. He was a theater expert. He was super nice and super fun.He was a legend at the school. A large man with a hearty laugh, which he let out as he watched my face drop. I knew it came from a good place. But I had really been looking forward to meeting that woman. He didn’t know how lonely I’d been. As he shared the laugh with me he explained he had his assistant write all the notes so they’d be in a woman’s handwriting. Download the Medium App I told him I appreciated the amount of work he put into disappointing me. A couple of months later, we got hit with a bad snowstorm. The snow was about a foot high. The road into campus for the professors was paved and had high snow banks on one side. So I wrote on the bank “I ♥ Joe Peperone.” Joe called me into his office. Apparently the president of the school had seen it and called Joe, worried someone was harassing his favorite teacher. Joe assured him that from the spelling of his name, he had an idea who it was. We had a laugh. We agreed it wasn’t the best prank in the world. Besides being brilliant, Joe was a really kind man who went out of his way to help students. When he had advice about acting or business he was always calm, kind and right. He helped me write a letter and get it to John Turturro, hoping I could work on his latest movie, which was shooting in Italy. At the time, I was fluent in Italian. I’m still waiting for the response from John. Fingers crossed. Joe was also an actor. He appeared in Turturro’s movies and played a variety of New Yorkers on Law & Order. What made me think of him Today I got an email from him today. I opened the email. He was writing to say that he had two photos from 2026 to share.

I would’ve clicked the link, except Joe passed away five years ago. Either it was malware or Joe had figured out how to prank me from the great beyond. Sometimes the little things remind you of great people. Thanks, Joe.

The Truth Behind the Amanda Seyfried movie

No Spoiler Alert - The Housemaid may look like a sexy thriller, but it’s actually a period piece. I’m a movie expert and long time host of the cult movie podcast, “Proudly Resents.” So here’s a summary of the hit movie The Housemaid. First, let’s give a shout out to my listeners and readers. Especially to my wife whose idea it was to get HBOMax and who I might have started this movie on her tile. It’s strange because the poster makes it look like a sexy thriller with possible nudity, but IT’S NOT. It’s an exploration of the human spirit.

The Housemaid is a based on a Jane Campion novel, directed by Jane Austen. (Update, I know that sounds wrong, but they switched jobs. Sydney Sweeney and Amanda Seyfried play two sisters, Sense and Sensibility. They are in a sprawling mansion with Sensibility’s husband who wants Sense… I gave away too much. Now there’s no reason to watch it and see that I made this whole thing up. Next week I’ll be writing about the classic sci-fi spinoff of the The Big Bang Theory strangely titled, The Sex Lives of College Girls. Which I only started watching on your account by mistake. Let me know what movie or show you need me to review. Share with a friend who might want (need) this review.

If you Like "Hot Ones..." I got a show for you

If you like Hot Ones, buy my new show Punched in the Stomach Ones. It’s an interview show, BUT between each question, the celebrity is punched in the stomach. Each time with a harder punch. First, you’re hit by an overactive toddler who’s ready for a nap. Then you’re hit by an eight-year-old who just found out his parents are getting divorced and that he has to start calling his babysitter “Momma Katie.” It goes all the ay up to the giant bouncer who’s tired of people commenting on his crappy beard.

They say imitation is the greatest form of television. If something works, we want to take a chance on it. There’s a show where celebrities eat increasingly spicy chicken wings. Every media outlet is looking for its own version of the wildly successful Hot Ones. In the early 2000s, everyone wanted their own version of the hit show Blind Date, where cameras followed a couple around and funny comments appeared on-screen. There was a block of all the knock offs. Remember all the Friends knock offs? Some of them featured actors that turned down Friends!! There was even Coupling. It was an American version of the British Friends knock-off! When Rikki Lake’s talk show blew up, every actor under 30 was deemed “relatable to the younger audience” and got a show. Then every show did what Rikki did, but a year later. Judge Judy was a hit, there were copies everywhere. Some worked. I remember Divorce Court shared a studio with Animal Court with Judge Wapner. “The case of Fildo vs. Mr. Cutie Cute.” It’s good to have shorthand when you’re pitching publicists a new idea: “They answer questions while we make fun of them, and then they get eaten by a polar bear for no reason.” Anyway, buy my show. The cast is getting impatient. I’m afraid they might hurt me.

"Shameless" wife reveals which sex toy saved their marriage

Sarah Shahi goes on TV and reveals she likes to use a strap-on with her husband, "Shameless" actor Steve Howie. Watch to the end!

I have loved Sarah Shahi for a long time — and that was before she said she likes to use a strap-on with her super hot husband Steve Howie.

They're now my favorite couple ever. pic.twitter.com/CI1yw9PYcn

— Jarett Wieselman (@JarettSays) July 10, 2019

FRIDAY FOTO DUMP (EARLY)

WHAT TV TAUGHT ME ABOUT DRUGS

This was from the PDF of the proof for my article. There are a couple of errors. But the finished article is only in the actual physical magazine at a newsstand near you. I've written a couple of article for these people.

Man Demands refund for "Garden State" 15 years later

A local man is suing his local movie theater for the full ticket price of the 2004 film "Garden State."

"At the time I saw it, it seemed original and meaningful," said a man who wished to remain anonymous. "But then I started seeing other films and realized it was trite. The love interest was just a manic pixie dream girl, something you see in a lot of films."

 "I was tricked into thinking it was good by Zach Braff's charming interviews and the film's slow score."

The man won a similar court case last year against the same theater for the 2005 Oscar winner, "Crash. "
"That was a no brainer," said the owner of the movie theater being sued. "We made a lot of money on Crash.  And then we had to slowly give it back."

The movie theater has started to protect itself for further litigation. It's been noted that a "No Backsies" sign was posted during showings of "Green Book."

* Listen to Starlee Kine's thoughts on Garden State
* Professor fired for teaching that Hitchcock ripped off Brian DePalma movies
* Steven Segal wants a career do-over


 

CBS returns to the well

CBS is launching a new sitcom this season called Broke.
Below is the description from Deadline Hollywood. Basically, a rich person loses everything and moves in with her "poor" relative. I put poor in quotes b/c they usually have a large house that can easily hold the relative(s) and a studio audience. Wait, doesn't the show have two broke girls... they should call it that! (also about a poor woman and rich woman who lost it all)

But most networks, CBS in particular, seem to repeat this premise. The rich person is unbearable and ungrateful, but they are family. Every week they seem to learn a bit more about life and then forget it by the next episode.

But I want to watch a show about the person being rich and having no consequences to their crazy actions or watch them crash and burn. Great, now I get to watch them give life lessons to a moppet kid and hug at a lot.

You want an example of another show Broke? Well there was a show back in the day called "Fired Up." OK, they weren't related and it was the 90's, but they both had bars. Here's the description from IMDB:
A creative executive, Gwen, and her long-time assistant, Terry are fired from their jobs. After 3 months, Gwen shows up at Terry's door, broke. Gwen cajoles Terry into going into business with her as equals, which proves difficult after their previous business relationship. Gwen also moves in with Terry and her brother, Danny. Gwen also has to fight off the advances of Danny's boss, Guy, who owns the bar below where the trio live.

Another common theme is the One man surrounded by women. The show is usually called "Ladies Man." The show revolves a widower or divorced guy who lives with or near his daughter, mom, love interest, assistant, gardener, caddy... all women! WHAT!!!???

Last year CBS did another old school plot with the teenage orphan moving in with her cool aunt/sister with the show "FAM." As a kid, these shows were great fantasies. "You mean I could live with my cool babysitter? The one with a motorcycle in his living room?

The show lasted a year. I have an issue with the term "Fam." Totally my deal. I once worked with an announcer who didn't know anyone's name and just called us "Fam." Years later, I worked with him again and he remembered my name, which is Fam apparently. He just said it with more conviction.

Me: Hello, Big Boy (that's his name)
BB: Hello, Fam.
Me: We worked together years ago at blah blah.
BB: OH! Hello, FAM!


CBS also had a show last year about a regular couple that has a rich and famous rock (or movie) star that moves in with them. It's called Happy Together, get it? Too late, it's canceled.  So after two failed shows about people with unwanted house guests, CBS made a new one?

Why not a show about a poor woman and her son that moves in with her rich sister and causes havoc? We'll call it Havoc! Get Steven Webber on the phone! Well, then try his home phone, you know he's got one!

There are some great unwanted house guest shows besides ALF.

BROKE (Comedy)

When an outrageously wealthy trust fund baby is cut off by his father, he and his wife move into her estranged sister’s Reseda home, forcing the two siblings to reconnect. Cast includes Jaime Camil, Pauley Perrette, Natasha Leggero, Izzy Diaz, Antonio Corbo. Produced by CBS Television Studios/Sutton Street Productions/Propagate. From writer-executive producer Alex Herschlag, executive producers Jennie Snyder Urman, Joanna Klein, Ben Silverman, Guillermo Restrepo, Gonzalo Cilley, Maria Lucia Hernandez, Jaime Camil and director Victor Gonzalez.

Is the show good? I have no idea. I haven't seen it. Watch the trailer. 

Baby crying. got to go. 

Felicity Huffman: "I was one of those students that tried to get away with doing as little as possible."

Felicity Huffman foreshadows her future college scams on the red carpet. When asking if she was a good student, the actress responded: "I was one of those students that tried to get away with doing as little as possible."

Dennis Pastorizo asked celebrities at an education fundraising event what kind of students they were. While most people said they worked really hard to get all "A's," Huffman was a little too honest. 

 


From USA Today:

BOSTON – Actress Felicity Huffman fought back tears as she pleaded guilty in Boston federal court Monday afternoon to charges in the nation's largest college admissions scandal, becoming the highest-profile defendant to admit to crimes in the blockbuster case.

The former "Desperate Housewives" actress admitted to conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud for paying Rick Singer, the nationwide admissions scheme's alleged mastermind, $15,000 to have someone correct SAT answers for her oldest daughter. 

Eric's Super Hot Girlfriend, Canadian Model Dies Just Before Meeting His Friends

Model and Canada's premiere super spy has tragically died. She was very hot and very mysterious. People loved her. Canada's version of the president said in a statement, "She was very hot. Very hot. And loved to model and fight bad guys. But she had to stay in hiding in Canada so she could never come to the United States. Not even for prom, for example."

She is survived by her boyfriend 16-year-old, Eric Schieder, who she loved very much and did lots of sex with. They met at camp. Eric is so very sad about this death. "She was finally going to come and visit me in the States and even meet my friends. Ah, it would have been so cool. Oh, well."

The secret spy's last words were, "Goodbye cruel world. Although I regret not being able to meet Eric's friends and prove to them I am in fact very real, I will always treasure the time I spent with Eric having actual sex with him. Which we did do."

Services have not been set so stop asking.

Men Starve as "Captain Marvel" Reaches $800 Million

 Men across the country are sitting at their table with no dinner because their wives have decided to go to the movies.

This obvious threat to the American decency is nonother than the self-titled Marvel movie Captain Marvel. By putting a woman in the lead, the comic book company has hatched an evil plan to lore wives and mothers to the theater while their husbands starve and their children go to school without their hair being brushed properly.

One child was quoted as saying, "I got a celery sandwich, a rotten apple and a green sock for lunch today. Mom, please come home.

Experts weigh in on this issue and offer this piece of advice, "Don't be afraid to use brides to bring your woman home from enjoying herself at the theater so they can cook and clean."
One bribe they don't recommend,  coupon books for hugs. "This problem is deeper than that."

This is not the first time this web blog has made this observation.  This is a bigger problem than we expected!

10 Lies we tell each other in LA to survive

We have a basketball team called the “Lakers” – but no lakes.
The “LA River” has no water running through it.
We call actual traffic jams, “Sig-Alerts.” It’s not an “alert” if it’s actually happening.

Hollywood is a hard town. So we have to tell each other little lies so we don't go crazy and move to a place with realistic housing prices and actual jobs.

I present to you - 

How to decode  Lies We Tell Each Other in LA to Survive 

1. “Your meeting is at 11 AM.” = “Come at 11, get you a bottle of water and sit until noon.”
2. "We will think about it and get back to you." = “We will not and we won’t. Use that door.” 
3. “It’s a web show” = “No pay.”
4. “I’m just out there pitching shows.” = “I’m not working.”
5. “We’ll keep your resume on file.” = “You didn’t see the door? I just alluded to it.”
6. "I'm not suggesting this, I'm just letting you know it’s an option."  = “Do this. If I’m right, I get the credit. If I’m wrong, I’m able to blame you.”
7. "Yes." = “No”  
8. “I need a ninja/rock star PA.” = You’ll be doing Producer work at a PA rate.
9. "I love you." = "I know both your first and last name."
10. “Do you need parking validation?” = “Do you need parking validation?”

Josh Brolin gets called out after calling reporter a "Whore"

NEW DRINKING GAME ALERT: Everytime @joshbrolin says the word “whore” in this #interview take a shot...#deadpool2

A post shared by Andrew Freund (@andrewfreund) on May 18, 2018 at 9:01am PDT